The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Update portion: last weekend, I went to my hometown to help my sister move. My AW came with, and that was incredibly helpful. My sister is going through a divorce, and that is not easy. We had one day to pack and get her things out, and we did it! My parents have a garage full, a friend of hers has a garage full, but at least the moving out portion is done.
As a result of the accident my wife had a while back, it seems that we are going to be living apart for the next year or two. She needs to live in a specific county, and that is not where we currently live.
I am really unsure of how to handle the situation. I am unsure about staying with her, even though she has been sober for almost 2 months. I took on a second job a year ago because I wasn't able to cover our bills, and when the accident occurred, I felt completely betrayed. She was supposed to be working on her recovery and mental health issues while I worked two jobs, not sit in a bar drinking while I was at work. I told her after the accident that she needed to get a job, because I couldn't handle the additional expenses, fines, etc. Still no job, six months later, and no plans to try to get one in the next 2 months. (Actually, her plan is to NOT get a job, not work, not look for a job for the next two months.) She decided that her medication dose is too high and stopped taking them until the doctor adjusts the rx. She is spending her days, from what I can tell, sitting in coffee shops, hanging with her mom, playing computer games, watching tv, and doing some minimal house work. When I get home totally exhausted, I have the pups to take care of, and then we end up fighting because I am not happy enough to see her, or not energetic enough in the mornings.
And, honestly I am trying really hard to let all this stuff be her stuff to deal with. Let her make the decisions. I cannot control her, anyway.
But, it seems that she wants affirmations and agreement from me that her decisions are the right ones, and when I do not agree with her, even if I do not say anything at all, we end up fighting, and she ends up crying, and I feel like a heel. She assures me that she is doing the best she can, and that might be true. I don't want to force her to try to progress faster than she is able to naturally.
Must be the hard part of the program. I am trying VERY hard to not say things I do not mean, which means that she does not hear things she wants or needs to hear from me. And, I am trying to not make this period of time more stressful for either of us than it needs to be. The change, some time in jail, etc. is going to be hard enough for her to deal with. She doesn't need me breaking down her neck about getting a job or taking meds, or doing things she is not ready to do. At the same time, I feel like it is important for me to be honest and say that I do think it would be better to separate finances while we are not living together. That way, neither of us is caught off guard by some bill the other paid. And it is important that I make changes that I need to make for myself and my own sanity, when I am ready to make them. I don't think it is fair for me to be stuck and unable to change anything related to me and my life because she is not ready for anything to change.
I am really not sure what the right balance is, or how to best handle the situation. My answer to this has become "give it more time" and "don't make a decision that doesn't feel right yet". And, my standard answer to her questions about my plans has become "Right now, I am not planning...." Because this is true. I just don't know. a year or two years is a long time. I do not know what is going to happen, and I do not feel like I should make promises to her that I am not sure if I will be able to keep.
But, maybe carefully thinking things over and being purposeful about my speech and actions is exactly the right thing to be doing right now. Anyway, I think knowing that I am unsure and being honest with myself about that is a huge step in the right direction.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
(((Skorpi))) This is indeed difficult all around I can understand your concerns and see your empathy and compassion I do agree that individual finances, while you are living apart should be a serious consideration. It just makes sense.
Pray about it and listen to that small voice within.
Prayers and positive thoughts for you , your partner and your sister This is a difficult time all around .
Skorpi you didn't mention what your sponsor suggested. I relate to your situation and also how it came out for me when I applied sponsorship...That was miraculous...not easy...just came out very very different than if I was trying to do it on my own. (((hugs)))
(((Skorpi))) - so very sorry that you and your AW are in this scenario......I can understand both sides, and my best suggestion is all program!
I agree with Jerry - seek out help from your sponsor. There have been times when I've only thought about Choice A & B, and my sponsor has seen it differently and given me suggestions I had not considered. I would suggest that your AW do the same - talk with her sponsor.
This program suggests that when we are in doubt, we don't. So, in reality, for me - when I feel pressured by another to commit to something that I can't/don't know - I won't. I will calmly reply that I'm staying in today/the present and when I know more, I'll pass it along.
It does also make sense to me to split up finances. In my state, even if we are living in separate homes, we are both responsible for debt (while legally married) so seek legal advice if that concerns you at all.
I completely understand that you are tired and over-worked. You truly need to find time to take care of you - meetings, program friends, etc. - a walk, a change of scenery.....I remember when my home was at the worst and I was in my crazies, I would actually begin to get anxious driving towards my 'hood' to the point where I was slowing down my arrival based on fear of the homecoming. Because of this program, the steps and my sponsor, I don't feel like that any longer; I enjoy coming home and seeing it and my pup.
So, breathe, and my standard line of write about it, talk about it, pray about it and then see where your head is. I agree with Betty - the answers will come - when it's time.
Know that we're here for ya!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree that mixing up the finances can lead to problems. Each of you will be living in separate residences. Part of growing in these 12 step programs is learning how to take responsibility for ourselves. Yes, absolutely each of you talking with your sponsors may bring clarity. I think you're on the right track with wanting her to take responsibility for herself financially. Skorpi... if you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you've always gotten. In my humble opinion, it's important to try to break the codependent cycle. You deserve a balanced and serene life. Hope you keep taking care of you and that cute dog too :) ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks so much for your thoughts and support, everyone.
I do not have a sponsor yet. I thought I was getting close to sponsorship with someone who regularly attends my face-to-face meeting, but then something inappropriate was said, and I just don't feel comfortable continuing that kind of a close relationship with that individual. I was kind of devastated, actually. Anyway, it is an awkward situation. And, I have decided to give it more time and try out a few different face to face groups.
My wife doesn't want a sponsor and doesn't want to work the steps. I think she is just going to meetings because she thinks I want her to go and because it will look good in court.
Anyway. She did follow through on trying to open an account for herself, so that is (I think) a positive outcome, despite the fits.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I've got you both in my thoughts and prayers. What she's facing (been there....) is a true mind bomb and very scary. I would say take care of you as much as you can and let HP handle the rest.
So sorry you had an awkward experience - I did not find my home group at my first meeting location. I liked that one just 'fine' but felt more at home with the 2nd!
(((Hugs))) for you both. I agree that opening her own account is a positive step - the way my recovering mind works, this would be huge because it would mean that someone is actually listening to me when I speak....ha.ha.ha.
Take care and know you aren't alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am proud of you for taking this one day at a time. You are not making promises you cannot keep. You are less willing to make your life, your decisions and opinions "chameleon" in order to change them to fit her mood or avoid fits.
This is being authentic and true to self. This is a moment worth celebrating.
Be exceedingly gentle with yourself, and keep the focus on you as you move through these few weeks.
