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My AH's drinking is a daily topic of conversation in our house. We talk A LOT about how it's time to make a change, how its negatively affecting our marriage and our home life in general. He "quits" at least once a week but never makes it to 48 hours dry. With the things I have learned in Al-Anon, I do my best to say what I mean, but not say it mean and I try not to plan his recovery for him or give him amazing, miraculous ideas for how to do it, that no other human being has ever come up with before! All I really do in these conversations is listen and let him know how I am negatively affected. Even though I am trying to apply my Al-Anon tools, I know deep down that I am still thinking I can have some effect on this man, if I just say the right thing.
I AM EXHAUSTED. I would really like to stop having these conversations. Everything we talk about, he already knows and nothing is changing. So, I would like to make a change. I want to do nothing. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I just want to live. I want my mind free to enjoy other things in life.
The thing I have to figure out is how to ignore the triggers that usually get the conversations going. I will see him with a drink, he will be noticeably intoxicated, he will ask me a stupid question, he will have "forgotten" something I previously told him about, he's stumbling, he scares the baby with the way he smells or the volume of his voice when he's trying to "play"...there are a lot of triggers. We live on one level of our home, my AH has been renovating the 2nd floor for 3 years now, we sleep in the dining room, our extra furniture is everywhere, so physically escaping him is not really an option for me. Especially on weeknights when I have to be home with our son, doing our basic routines before bed. I have to figure out how to escape him by using my mind all while keeping my mind in the moment as I play with the baby and prepare dinner etc, Any suggestions for me? I need some help so I can "fake it till I make it"! Thanks guys.
I love the fake it to you make it reference. I think at this point it wouldn't hurt if you stopped having "the conversation" as you are just spinning your wheels on this one. I did the same with with my AH and it got me no where. I wish I could give you some techniques on how to maintain your sanity with an active A but I found this to be very hard too, especially when taking care of my two young children. Is there anyway you can get out of the house with your son more in the afternoons/night before bed time or perhaps ask your husband to spend time in a certain room when he is drinking. I did/do find it very hard to detach when you are living in the midst of the disease. I did find that making more time for stuff I liked helped reduce my anger/resentment towards my A. Maybe find some time to go for a walk, do some shopping, etc. Sending you tons of hugs at this difficult time.
Great idea Coop'sMom. In order for me not to have those conversations and to stay detached, I had to pick up a slogan or recite the serenity prayer, over and over as soon as I was tempted to jump in.
I would simply continue to recite the serenity prayer or let go and let God in my mind. This kept me from reacting to the situation, I became calm and was able to respond in a constructive manner--- like walking out of the room or changing the subject.
Remember your serenity is of the utmost importance,
Coop'sMom: This sounds like such a hard place to be. I like picking a slogan and meditating, repeating and focusing on it when he's trying to engage you in the conversation
merry-go-round.
The great thing about that merry-go-round is that we can step off of it, it just takes practice and patience.
For me, making a list and doing something physically really helps me. I know some people can be still, read, pray, listen to music - I need to move. I need to grab a hammer and start renovating, painting, scrubbing dirt away or anything else that leaves me feeling satisfied after I see a change in my environment. Also, it seems to get me out of my head. I typically get stuck there and it's no place to be during an emotional time.
I hope you find a way that helps you detach and take care of yourself and your son. HP will provide an answer.
Ah your post was de javue for me today , I remember those chats years of them actually, I would come away feeling hopeful that this time will be different , in fact most of the time he forgot we even had the talk . I called them fireside chats , sheesh . I finally learned to stop them by giving him a hug and saying you don't have to live this way ,there is help for you if you want it .( It was safe for me to walk away as physical violence was never an issue in my home.) I was told every time i got involved in those stupid conversations I was just setting myself up for disapointment and was helping the disease-when I refused to have those same conversations and by leaving the problem with him he had to make his own choices. when I no longer assaged his guilt or enabled his disease things changed quickly in our home , my life got better his not so much when we arent there to save them and allow them the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose I have the freedom to get my life back on track. Our detachment pamphlet and the July 14 passage in our ODAT changed my life . There comes a time when as you say , its time to do nothing . We have 25 yrs of sobriety in our home , lots of positive changes and all I had to do was get out of the road . one more time .. Louise
Thank you all for your posts. I was able to have your wisdom in the back (and sometimes the front) of my mind last night. I succeeded in my plan last night and feel great about it today. This battle is truly won one day at a time.
I could've wrote hour post for the most part. I too relate. It doesn't help talking to them. They just tell you what they want u to hear , only to be let down. At least it was that way in the beginning. Now my AH just says he will only ever love me and I'm the only one but do what I need to to be happy. Pretty sure that's his way of telling g me he can't or won't quit drinking. Honestly it's not that I mind the drinking he does when he doesn't get looped. It's the drinking and whatever else he is doing w it that drives me insane. He is so hyper when he gets like this. Ugh. Praying for u and for u to find peace. ((((Hugs))))) I may have to try the ignoring it for awhile too. I just posted a post on here about how I feel like I can't do the steps because I find it hard to detach while doing them being that I'm doing them because of HIM!
