The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having an Issue with a Program Friend... They are Going thru a Whirl Wind of things Currently and I am Doing my Best to be there for them, and Listen, and Encourage them to Work their Program, but all I Get is the Same Day after Day, and It is Really Killing My Spirituality to the Point where at times I Feel Like All that I Am is their Whining Post...
They Live about 2 hrs away, and over the Last 5 yrs we have become Very Good Friends, we have a lot in common, and enjoy spending time together about every other month, but when they get in a Tough Spot, their First Thoughts are "If I Wasn't here My Family would be better Off!" This Scares me to NO END...
Know Matter How Much I Love them, I Don't Feel My Program is Anywhere NEAR What they May Need to Get out of a Ditch on this Kinda Statement, I Have Said that Maybe they should Talk to a Doctor or Seek Treatment for these thoughts, and all I Get is the Next Day (Or Later that Night) them Calling again, Saying they should just End this Craziness... I'm Very Scared for my Friend, but at the Same time, I Really don't know what "I" Can do for them... I Believe this is Beyond Friendship and Support, but I Don't know what to Do with this...
They have Been in Program Longer then I, but Don't attend as Often due to their Local Areas Meetings not being very Stable, so I Talk Program, and still it goes back Dismay, They are to be a of Faithfulness yet when I Speak it, they just keep saying... "I Can't take Anymore, and God Keeps Bringing it"... and tho there are Some Pretty Big things happening for them, A lot of it is Over reacted due to this Disease, and I Don't know if they are Using this for attention or if these thoughts Really do stand strong with them... How Could I? I Guess I'm Just Stuck... How can I Help someone that Doesn't want the Help themselves?
A lot of what they are Going thru Is "Life" and much of It is Out of Their Control Completely without question... and tho I Don't want to take from their Grievances I Also don't want to Loose My Friend... I'm Just in a Slump and Unsure what to do about it... I Strongly Feel that a Doctor is Much more Equipped for such things but at the Same time I Don't want to Not be there....
I have a dear friend who is not in the program, and she has some peaks/valleys in how she views life and loss and chaos. I do my best to listen and be supportive as well and I've set up some boundaries try to preserve my own sanity and serenity.
I have 'screened' calls before when it's affecting me so I can prepare for the discussion.
I have also set a boundary regarding 'ending it' with everyone I love/care about. If I believe it is a serious statement, I will notify authorities. I am not equipped to counsel anyone who believes that leaving this earth is a solution, so won't even try.
For folks within the program, I tend to redirect them back to their sponsor, the meetings, the steps or the literature.
It's a hard place to be in as we don't want to avoid them, however we must place self-care above all others as the latter is a big part of what got me to Al-Anon in the first place. We are so powerless over others and events, yet we often still want to fix 'it'. For me, at this point, I have to turn it over as I am almost trying to take back control that I've given to my HP!
I wish you the best as you support your friend and protect you! It's not easy but use your program as best you can and let it go...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Jozie, I completely understand what you are experiencing and know, that I truly learned how to practice Al-Anon principles and tools by using them at Al-Anon meetings and with Al-Anon members.
Accepting that we are powerless over people places and things is extremely important. Al-Anon phone calls are encouraged so that we can be offered the experience strength and hope, of another member and an Al-Anon tool to consider. It is then up to us to pick up that tool and use it.
I know that acceptance of life on life's terms is a difficult concept to embrace and have witnessed many sponsees who felt HP had abandoned them. I know I felt that way at some time as well. The best anyone could do for me, was to restate programs principles, and remind me of the 11th step and then let go.
As for you, my friend, you are great example of program in action, please trust the process and know that HP has a plan and if you have given what you need and then take care of yourself. Please do not abandon yourself and remember that your serenity is very important.
Hiya miss Jozie, I don't know if you have ever listened to father Tom. He talks about having days where he needs 100,000 more meetings. I find most people just want to be heard. Personally I find it appropriate to say in those situations it really sounds like you need some additional help. I feel very scared and anixous when I hear someone I care about make statements like (insert line). I know I would not be better off if something happened to you. Obviously this is a suggestion take what you like leave the rest or take nothing at all. I deal with this during the holidays specifically with my mom in her case it is about her way of getting attention that she can't verbally ask for .. I think I've come to the conclusion she doesn't know how to ask in an appropriate way and she just wants to be heard. I usually give an alanon "oh" and then try to listserv. Maybe I'm off the mark .. It really sounds like she's stuck and doesn't know how to really verbalize it appropriately? Please do take care of you first because people like this don't know how to express their emotional wants and needs and it serves kind of like an emotional vampire. It's draining and can feel as if a truck accident has been part of the process. Hugs. We all have that ability to become emotional vampires it's part of not wanting to be responsible for emotional health or choices. It's much easier to allow someone else to do the emotional work and draw off that energy.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
One of the gifts of recovery is the concept of detachment wth love, it doesn't just apply to the Alcoholic.
Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway.
The key is to stop feeling responsible for others and to be responsible to ourselves or you will start to feel
angry or resentful
You can only be responsible for your own welfare
Of course keep working your program and keep coming back.
Thank you All For your ESH <3 I have Stayed in the Moment and am Doing my Best to Listen with Detachment at Heart, It hasn't been easy, but it seems as the week goes on thier Bumps in the Road seem to have Slowed and we are not at such a High Arch of Tramatic Drama currently but Trying not to Feed the Beast either, and just let them talk...
This Program has Truly been a Life Savor for Me over the Years... And I'm So Grateful for the ESH I Get here, and the Love that Helps me see a Better Way of Life, even in some of my Darkest Struggles... So Thank You All
