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Post Info TOPIC: Huge Slip!


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 687
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Huge Slip!


What I'm about to share was not just a slip, it was a long slide crash and burn for me surrounded by some very sad circumstances.

On Tuesday Dad who was 82 was killed in a car accident.  He is in Heaven, I'm sure of that. I feel really good for him, I am sad for me. Dad and I did not agree on many things but some of his last words about me were "that girl marches to a different drummer, but it's the right song" I had his acceptance at the end- he made it clear to each child he was proud of us. We had asked him to stop driving because we were afraid he would have an accident, his words about that were "if I die on the road, you can know I went doing exactly what I wanted to be doing". If we had taken his independence he may have stayed here with us longer but he wouldn't have been happy.. I am so glad no one else was seriously hurt.

My sister wanted to be angry at the young girl who hit my Dad's van, My brother immediately started going through my Dad's things and making financial plans for my Mom..(scary because he drinks, but I have no control as Mom thinks brother is perfect).

Mom immediately became angry at me, and was snide, mean nasty whatever you want to say she was trying to pick a fight no reason except we have had many conversations about who would take better care of her when Dad was gone and seems she is determined to prove it wouldn't be me.

During the days of planning the service, I had little sleep and of course felt a little lost, I tried to be patient and remember to breathe.

Well I must have forgotten to breathe OUT, because I finally exploded, then I mentioned some pretty ugly things my Mom did as a mother....... Word vomit everywhere.

Even worse this was in front of her granddaughters who are adults but did not know and didn't want to know right now, the ugly side of their grandmother.

I feel awful, I was baited but I still feel awful, embarrassed and all this mixed in with the normal sadness.

If I stay away from the family the next few weeks, I feel like I'm going to be seen as playing "poor me" which is what I'm typically accused of and I do feel a bit that way but it's more I don't feel welcome.

The only thing I really can see is that I need to keep the focus on me and try harder to do the next right thing, not sure what that is.

Any ideas on how I can not think about this so much and just be happy that my Dad is in heaven and doesn't have to deal with all this DRAMA right now?

personal confidence and not taking it personally and not having unreasonable expectations might help... ugh!! wish I had used more tools ... 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1277
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In accepting the things we cannot change, we have to accept that we cannot change something we did in the past - so we have to give ourselves a break eh? I tend to take it until it explodes out of me in a flood - these days it takes a lot longer and a lot more to make the flood but they do still happen. I am so sorry for your loss!

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France


~*Service Worker*~

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(((Glad)))I am truly sorry to read of the loss of your father and know that this is a difficult time for everyone in the family. I would suggest first of all, that it is important for you to forgive yourself. The loss of a parent is extremely difficult and coping with that loss is not easy.Forrgiving yourself because you are grieving is the first tool I would offer .
. You've done a 10th step here by admitting and reviewing your actions and the amend that you can make is to let it go and treat everyone with courtesy and respect.

I pray that your family will walk through this difficult time together

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Oh (((Glad))) -

I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing. I will have the exact same circumstance(s) with my dad - he loves to drive and loves his independence....He's turning 81 this year.

I would certainly contact a sponsor if you have one and/or close program friends. I tend to need to 'share' what happened to help not think about it/have it be my focus. That's my best suggestion for 'not thinking about it'.

As far as what others think (you staying away), that's just not our concern. Make the best choice for you and your sanity - stay away or go back to be with - do what makes sense for you.

I am sorry that the explosion happened. We are human and the loss of a loved one is pressure for anybody - unfortunately for those of us who live/love dysfunctional people, it just gets magnified and turned into 'stuff it shouldn't be'.

My best suggestion for refocusing yourself is my favorite tools - self-care, prayer, meditation and fellowship with program folks.

Again, so very sorry for your loss. We love you here and I am grateful you stopped in to share. Keeps us all 'human' when @#$! happens and we slip. Breathe, breathe and breathe some more!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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Glad...so sorry to hear about Dad and that event that seems to always come forward when someone passes from our sight never to return...the emotional wreckage...arrrrrgh that is so strange because when we need to do the opposite (love and show compassion and empathy) we toss tomahawks !!! go figure.   Remember the words of encouragement of the 10th...Continued to take personal inventory and ....when we were wrong....promptly admitted it.  I love what doing a 10th does for my spirit..."free at last, free at last...thank God I'm free at last".   Plan it...do it...do it with a hug even if she stiffens up.  Take your Higher Power with you that way you know someone will be there who loves you more than anything.   Huge slips for me are recovery college classes.    (((((hugs))))) smile



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Member

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Posts: 21
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I am so sorry to hear about your loss! I hope the messages above that refer to the forgiveness part of the 10th step bring you some peace. I lost my mother seven years ago and it's such a tremendous loss. Please be kind to yourself. Stay in the day and minute right now. Write down happy memories that you have of your dad. Eat. Sleep. Connect with healthy people. Keep coming back.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Glad....Through all of this, I don't think I heard a word of you allowing yourself to grieve. YOUR DAD DIED! It's okay. Yes...it was your mom's husband and your siblings' father also, but still...YOUR dad. I think it is normal and okay to not be yourself right now and to not be fully on top of everything. In addition, I am reminded by the saying "Your mom knows how to push your buttons....because she installed them!!!"

That being said - 10th step: Make amends with your mom and move on. The rest of the stuff is old resentments and dynamics that aren't going away anyhow....only how much you pay attention to them and deal with them (ie,...your brother and his drinking and mom thinking he's perfect). I suspect you were minimizing how sad this loss is and wanting to be happy and you forgot to even grieve or allow yourself to grieve. So you were at a weak spot and stepped right into drama for which you have built a program for which ordinarily protects you.

Utilize your alanon friends and alanon family to help you get through this. Sounds like that is what you are already doing with this post...

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