The material presented
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I have had a rough couple of days back with my AH and his weekly benders. We are also in the middle of remodeling our home, so that adds a new dimension of stress. I got home from working all day and an hour at the gym and baking in the 102 degree weather outside, to find that the bender continues. AH is slurry, stumbling around, (I won't go in to the wardrobe disarray!) and of course he wants me to come outside and party with him (in 102 degree weather). Not today, I am tired, hungry and now angry and resentful. By the time I shower he is passed out on the couch. Mind you this is day 2 and I feel there are still more to come.
I thought I was doing so well in working my program and all it takes is a couple of days like this, and restless sleep for me to come unhinged. He asked me this morning what was wrong. I told him I was tired physically from being woke up a few times during the night until I went to the spare room. I also told him I was tired of him being drunk all the time. And I told him I need to talk to him about some things but I can't find a sober minute to do it. He laughed at me and walked away mumbling sarcastic remarks. I know my tone was wrong. It wasn't loving, or caring, it was pissed off and tired. Before I left for work I apologized for my tone. I don't apologize for my words, they were my truth, but my tone was bratty.
Does this ever get easier? Can I REALLY feel serenity and peace while he is actively drinking? I feel like I am on a roller coaster. SOme days are good adn things are smooth and then we have a few days where I feel disgusted with who he is. I know it is a disease, but it presents itself as selfish, irresponsible, irrational, unattractive behavior.
I prayed my gratitude prayer this morning, but I can't seem to shake the black cloud today.
Thanks for listening...
Beth
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Bethany, I think you are expecting too much of yourself. You are human, you are stressed, you are tired and your AH is on a bender and you are supposed to be loving and caring in your approach to him? And then you apologized! Cut yourself some slack here- I don't think that detaching with love means that you have to be apologetic for very human feelings. Personally, I have told my husband that I do not want to be around him at all when he is drinking and I walk away. Does he like that? Nope! Do I apologize? Nope!
As to whether you ever get total serenity with an AH, I don't know. I doubt if I will ever have that and I know that I am inching towards leaving him. It is a disease but it is also a controllable disease if they want it to be.
Goodexample I think you did you check your behaviour and made amends. Anon helps us to take responsibility for our . Own behaviour choices etc . I had to set boundaries the more I protected my serenity the, less I need to make a
Ends. Living alongside this illness is so tough and I am no saint I forgive, myself no point beatingme or him up disease is doing g a good job of that already.
You brought your tool bag home, and did just fine. I agree that we are human and when we are faced with competing priorities, it's a challenge by itself. When you combine that with another adult who is not able to add value at the moment, it's frustrating.
Just keep the focus on you and your program and you will find your peace again. I also have a boundary of not being around my A(s) when they are active. My AH just hides in the basement and my boys have their own places at the present moment.
As you get stronger in your program, you'll find your boundaries get 'smarter' and are for self-sanity, not punishment. You're not alone in this - we're all here for you.
Remodels are a nightmare......that stress by itself can make me grumpy! Give yourself a break and do something just for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for hearing me and replying with your words of ESH.
Thank Goodness for Tuesdays and Thursdays, my Al-Anon F2F days. I was able to share just a bit about my sadness and loneliness and my feelings of failure and I was given so much love and encouragement. We were talking about the steps, reading through all 12 and I was sent right back to step 1 in my heart. My HP said, "Welcome back, I have been waiting for you...".
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
You did great and in time with more practice will do even better. My sponsor brought me to proper expectations of my alcoholic/addict...she will drink and drug and I will be powerless over it so kill any expectations that she will be other than an alcoholic/addict...at times when she is practicing the disease. He also brought me to "feeling are choices...I get to choose at anyone time what it is that I want to feel...rocket science for this spouse of an addict/alcoholic and I learn it and it still works in my life even thought the alcoholic/addict is no longer here. Slow down...take is slow and think how I want things to go...the consequences and then make the choices to get those consequences. Don't hand over your power to an alcoholic they are not mature enough to handle your peace of mind and serenity. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
