Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Friend's attitude got me thinking


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 242
Date:
Friend's attitude got me thinking


Every time I go away for the day, I know he will have been drinking when I come home. He does not get falling down drunk YET but it is getting worse again. I know that much of the way he interacts with other men involves drinking. Having a social drink is important to him.The problem is that they, for the most part, seem to be able to have one or two and quit. Not so much him. He will quit with them but that starts the drinking in solitude in his garage. It's like the one or two drinks prime him for more. And yet he can go a long time between without drinking at all.

 

Today a mutual friend asked me why I did not want him to drink? This friend has probably never seen AH at his worst or, if he did ,it was long ago. I know that I am the main reason that my husband does not drink because he knows that I will leave him if it gets bad again. I explained  that to the friend and he became quite sharp with me. Asked me why I had the right to tell an adult that he can't drink. Said that I was not perfect and hubby lives with me with my faults and I should do the same with him.

 

Took me back a bit. I told him that yes, hubby had the right to drink but that I also had the right not to live with someone who drank. And I wouldn't. He was quite disgusted with me I think.  And maybe he was right to some degree. No adult should dictate to another what they can do I guess. But I am and I will continue to do so on the drinking issue. And, if he wants to stay married after forty years, he is going to have to curtail his drinking. If not, he can go his own way and I, while I love him a lot, will go mine and I will be ok with that. I guess I really am the b..... the friend thinks I am.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1400
Date:

Dear Deacon, I think you hit the nail on the head when you "told him that yes, hubby had the right to drink but that I also had the right not to live with someone who drank."  It made me think about the rights and freedoms we have in our country.  We have the right to do many things (speak our opinions, worship where we want to, work, marry, own property, etc., etc.), but we do not have the right to hurt another person. In my opinion, you are perfectly justified in standing up for your rights.

In my home meeting we read the "Do's and Dont's", and one of the Dont's is Don't be a Doormat -- and forgive me, I am not saying you are, in fact I think you are doing your best not to be a doormat, and I applaud you for that.

 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
Date:

Firstly, good on you for defending your boundaries. That would have been a challenging conversation.

Secondly I wonder why it is so important to this chap that your husband drink? Most people would not be so rude or intrusive; I wonder what it is within him that needs other people to be comfortable with drinking? Smacks of alcoholism to me!!!

Hugs.


__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Dear Deacon, people who have  not lived the disease of alcoholism, cannot understand the pain, and the irrational fear and dread that are part of our everyday lives when we live with   the disease of alcoholism.

 That is why Al-Anon members and meetings are so important. It is here that I found people who understood as few others could, the pain and fear  that I lived with on a daily basis.

In fact one time when I left my husband, my mother called and told me that I was the problem and that there was nothing wrong with him.

I know I did have problems and did not have the tools to deal with life in a healthy fashion, but I also knew the pain that I was living with could not be explained to her, nor did I try.  Again, I used Al-Anon tools stated that " you're entitled to your opinion but if I don't leave I will kill him." That ended the conversation and I proceeded to call Al-Anon member


Keep taking care yourself, use your tools. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way





__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

deacon -

This disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful - I would not concern yourself with what another thinks of you or of your husband....

I tend to agree this was a nosey question and truly you did not have to answer.

I am a double winner (AA & Alanon) and the only folks who ask nosily why I don't drink do tend to be more qualified to join in at the AA table. My standard response practiced for 28 years is, "I don't like the way it makes me feel." In reality, that is not my truth - I love the way it made me feel....way too much....more than anything else in my life, world, etc.....

My answer though stops those who love to indulge them cold in their tracks. You have the right to answer however you want, and you don't have to listen, react or even care what an outsider thinks about the way your home should be.

So very sorry that you were confronted by an outsider. I haven't been asked that relative to my A(s), but believe I would be inclined to suggest they ask 'them' or 'none of your business'. It's not my story to tell and I am truly only worried about my side of the street.

Hang in there and do not beat yourself up over this.....so not worth it!!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 274
Date:

Deacon, thanks so much for the ESH. It sounds like you handled it very well. I'm afraid I would have gotten very angry. I'm going to hold on to this one as a tool : "I'm not telling them what they can or can't do, I'm telling them what I will or won't do." Spoken matter-of-factly, (I don't think I'm well enough to say it without that hint of "Duh, what are you some kind of idiot" tone YET) I imagine it can disarm most.

If it doesn't, I guess I can follow with "just like I'm not telling you to end this conversation, I'm doing that myself."

Thanks deacon. You did well!

 

wait...had to come back and scold you on one thing.  Don't accept the b-word like that!  Being strong-willed in a healthy manner, knowing your limits and boundaries, keeping a healthy focus on you and your recovery, saying what you mean and not saying it mean is NOT being a b-word!  Being mean, selfish, passively aggressive, bratty, retaliatory, and manipulative is being a b-word no matter what gender you are!  Part of what finally got me here was looking at myself and seeing a bratty little b-word!!!  Thanks to Al-Anon I'm not acting like that anymore (today)!



-- Edited by almostThere on Tuesday 30th of June 2015 07:48:34 AM

__________________
El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1896
Date:

Yes, what almostThere said, I second wholeheartedly!

We have an old college chum that has been an A since college. he was over the top even when he was 25 years old, great fun guy after the first three beers but the next few bottles of wine that he would buy for the table would end up with him naked in a fountain or some other shenanigans. This was kinda funny for awhile, but a couple of DUIs, ruined marriage later it was kinda sad. His best friend told hims the same thing basically - I love you, but I won't see you when you are drinking, you are killing yourself and I don't want to see it. You are insulting my wife on facebook with no remorse, and I find those all unacceptable behaviors. Many of our mutual friends thought he was being harsh, but I applauded him for not putting up with unacceptable behavior.

And I applaud you too.

Kenny

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 194
Date:

Nicely done Deacon!  The power of suggestion can bring on self doubt and insecurity.  Glad you brought it here to gain some clarity and a larger persepective.  It's prefectly acceptable that you choose not to share your time with someone who drink in excess.  That's a health boundary. 

Keep in mind his friend may be dealing with his own fear.  He may fear losing his drinking buddy.  This is his way of manipulation to gain control over something he feels he may be losing.  Just a thought.  Either way, I've learned that what others think of me is none of my business.  I make choices on what's best for me and others don't have to agree with them.  This is a huge gift of The Program.  I used to be pursued by suggestions from others and wanted everyone's approval.  It left me in a tailspin and I lost my own identity. 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Ok...what if it were crack? Would the same friend be saying or insinuating you are wrong to have boundaries about that? Can't imagine him saying "Who are you to tell him you won't put up with crack smoking? He's an adult!" Problem is, people don't want to see alcoholic drinking for what it is. Not that different from any other horrible substance abuse problem.

__________________


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:

Ok, but what about the 3-Cs? I cant CONTROL IT? .. Isn't it a form of controlling the behavior? I'm glad though that this has worked for you and your husband. I don't think my spouce would stop even if I threatened to leave.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

I agree with the self thought and language...No B....(s)!!  This is where I learned that my alcoholic/addict talked out of school with her friends about my reactions and responses to her drinking and using and her friends had the same reaction as what you got.  Big deal it didn't bother me in the least cause they only got one side of the story from one person and that didn't make up the whole truth of it.  Last time this happened to me They told me that of all the guys my exwife could have been out with this one night I was the last one they would want her with.  Big Deal because she was the one who made the choice for me to be there.  She drank, got drunk, fell backwards and hit her head and got a concussion.  Good thing (partially) she was with her caretaker huh?  Helped her to heal and then left.   Thank you Al-Anon for the lessons.   (((hugs))) smile



Attachments
__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

I don't think Deacon is stating this as an ultimatum for her spouse so much as a boundary for her and where she is at with what she can stand. He still has the choice to drink or not. Can't say he wasn't warned. Problem is, it can turn to control when the boundary is laid down and not followed...or if there was never any intent to back it up, or if it was never based on self and only on motives to change the other person. Only Deacon knows how much of it is about her and what she can tolerate versus wanting to change the AH. And of course, deep down (or not even deep down), any of us with a still active drinking spouse do wish for them to be sober and change in that way, but with more alanon, comes more acceptance that we cannot change them.

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 194
Date:

pinkchip wrote:

I don't think Deacon is stating this as an ultimatum for her spouse so much as a boundary for her and where she is at with what she can stand. He still has the choice to drink or not. Can't say he wasn't warned. Problem is, it can turn to control when the boundary is laid down and not followed...or if there was never any intent to back it up, or if it was never based on self and only on motives to change the other person. Only Deacon knows how much of it is about her and what she can tolerate versus wanting to change the AH. And of course, deep down (or not even deep down), any of us with a still active drinking spouse do wish for them to be sober and change in that way, but with more alanon, comes more acceptance that we cannot change them.


 X2- spot on PC!



__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 242
Date:

I am not trying to control him- been there ,done that and it changed nothing. I AM trying to control me, get rid of all those 'what if's' and 'could be's' and face the reality. To be honest still trying to know just when it will be enough. And I have told my husband that I cannot make choices for him just as he cannot make choices for me BUT I am increasingly aware in my journey of just how much I can tolerate and what  I really want for the rest of my life. This is one of the reasons he does not want me to go to al anon meetings because he sees me really defining what I want in life.  I want peace and serenity. While I love this man, I don't need him to be a whole person and I can do quite well on my own. So really it is his choice if he wants to stay in the marriage- if that is a form of control, then so be it.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Deacon you've got the vision right on including options...no need to suggest when to put it into action because when the time comes you will know it, do it and turn it over with your Higher Power standing with you.  Thanks for the post.   ((((hugs)))) smile



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.