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Post Info TOPIC: ODAT 6-29 We Share This in Common w/the Alcoholic...


~*Service Worker*~

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ODAT 6-29 We Share This in Common w/the Alcoholic...


...Self-deception.

Today's page suggests that it is a natural tendency for all humans to omit our less flattering views and behaviors when presenting ourselves or our story to others. This is in evidence for some when we first arrive to AlAnon and share the unpleasantries that came at the hand of the alcoholic.

While the suffering we experienced might not be overstated, it is usually, though unconsciously, accompanied by downplaying our own role and behavior that was also unpleasant or unhealthy at times. 

This comes into play as we weigh our response to newcomers (and sometimes those not so new) who are consumed with catalogues of bad behavior attributed to the alcoholic. In AlAnon, we are guided to resist forming judgment or hastily offering advice on what they should do.

This reading reminds us that one of the reasons is that we don't truly know what the circumstances are, as we are relying only on what has been presented and is subject to self-deception on both sides. We are reminded to "Let Go and Let God" when asked to give advice. 

About the only thing we do know with a measure of certainty is that the newcomer is more focused on the problem of alcohol in another person than they are on their own behavior; I certainly was. The most beneficial advice we can share is to encourage involvement in the Program, self care and recovery.

I am so grateful for the direction toward the Program, toward my own recovery, and away from the alcoholic when I first arrived. It helped me make immediate and measureable improvements in how I handled my situation, and is helping me refrain from throwing my unsolicited opinion out there in other areas of life as well.  

I am so grateful for such wisdom...



__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Paul Thank you for posting this important reflection from the ODAT I agree, the principles of this program have influenced my responses in all areas of my life and the results are amazing Thanks for your service.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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I'm very grateful for that too.
I was certainly very afraid to acknowledge any defects of my own, I think because deep down I was so sure that every single thing that was bad or wrong with the world was my own personal fault. If I acknowledged just one flaw, people might turn and look at me and realise just how very culpable I was, for everything. And then slowly in al-anon I started to acknowledge my faults, openly and blow me down, nothing bad happened! I'm imperfect, not pure evil.
So now I fear those defects hardly at all. What a gift!! But not one we can force on others. I sure didn't like it when people tried to force it on me.
I think being able to finally and fearlessly see our own defects comes with a feeling of safety and being loved, not through lectures or explanations.

Thanks for sharing this.

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



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As you know, I've only been at this a little while, and I keep looking at step four and pretending it doesn't exist. It's like an ocean, and every now and then I dip a toe in and it's too [sic] COLD!! I KNOW I was a JERK. I saw the EXACT same manipulative behavior from me that my Q exhibited. That's one of the things that got me here. I started looking at myself and did NOT like what I saw. The issue I'm facing now is that the few tools I've learned have given me so much relief that I've needed for so long, that I don't want to give up the good feelings yet to do the dirty work. I know I have to, and I know that I'll come out even happier on the other side, but looking at it, I'm afraid I'll drown. Started to make a defects list this week. started to. Really need to get serious about it. Right now though I have to go be happy for just a little longer. Sigh.

__________________
El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.


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Thank you for this share. This is so true. Self-deception. I still have a tendency to focus on my A's problems and her self-deception. Actually, we both focus on the other's problems- she's really good at pointing mine out and denying hers.

I remember the f2f meeting when it finally hit me that I'm sick, too. It was a harsh reality. I know that I have to work on myself, and still notice when I'm focusing on my A's problems and what she's doing to cause so many problems. I have enough of my own to work through that one person to focus on is enough. I don't know if she will ever recognize that she has a problem and needs help. I'm so used to getting all of the blame for our relationship problems, money situation, the cleanliness of the house, my mood, etc. It's hard. I'm still a work in progress. Today's reading is good stuff for me to mediate on. Thanks for sharing!

__________________

Butterflies can't see their wings.  They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well.  Anonymous



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Paul:

As always, your insight and perspective and ESH are so helpful for/to me....

I do remember vividly believing with my heart and soul that I was the way I was because of THEM.

When I arrived, and folks kept telling me to focus on me, take care of me, stay on my side of the street, see my part, correct my reactions, etc. it truly baffled me. But, like those who traveled before me, I found some relief from doing what I was told...

It was enough peace and relief to continue forward and try to become a better person and act/react differently.

I too am so grateful for this program. I've been the remote technical support for my parents and their computer for most of the day, and I've used many, many Al-Anon tools trying to be patient and keep my mouth shut!!! I definitely am able to use my tools and program beyond dealing with my As - it's become woven into my core - thank goodness!

Thanks Paul and everyone!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I'm glad this topic resonated for you all, too. All credit to AlAnon because I was quite deluded when I arrived, and it's only been through reading and working the Program as best I could, daily if possible, that I came to see just how unhealthy some of my perspectives were.

Working the Program has been a truly humbling, worldview changing journey. Conference approved literature, particularly for me the daily readers, offer a pure, concise perspective that helps replace some of the old thinking bit by bit.

Replacing my focus on my qualifier and others with my own accountability has been like looking at the world for the first time after seeing it only as a photo negative my entire life. It has been incredibly powerful; I am grateful there is no time limit on working the program as I have fought the urge to rush through at times to allow for new concepts to sink in.

As AlAnon has helped me see the commonalities I share with the struggles of my qualifier, I find myself viewing others with more patience, compassion, and understanding. I see how difficult it is to change my own unhealthy tendencies and am grateful when I am given room to work out my recovery on my own terms.

I can only imagine that my qualifier wished for the same. And to think that without AlAnon, I would still be unwilling and unable to allow her to have it, all the while thinking that she was the one who needed to change... wow, self-delusion...

One thought, moment, hour, day at a time...



__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 

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