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Post Info TOPIC: any successful stories after separating from your loved one


Newbie

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any successful stories after separating from your loved one


Hello! I don't know if anybody posted this before... But I was wondering if you guys know anybody or has been through separation with your loved one without communication that was successful in the end. What made you be strong and what steps did you take?

Thank you!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi " need guidance-"- there is a "search "button on the front screen that can help you research this topic if you'd like. I would look up" separation" and see what posts surface.

Remembering that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured, I would hesitate basing any of my decisions on whether others were successful in separating with no contact. The first question would be what the word successful means-- does that mean that the person entered recovery and is active in AA -or does" successful "mean that the partner was able to separate and rebuild their lives with the minimum of pain.

Al-Anon face-to-face meetings offered me the tools that enabled me to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth, and make choices that were in my own best interests while living by the principles of this program.

I urge you to keep coming back here and keep attending meetings, the answers will be revealed


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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What is your definition of "success"? Happily ever after is not always with the other person. You don't have to cling to that. Of course there are examples of people separating and getting back together. More importantly is that everyone can be successful in alanon and in life with or without the alcoholic. Your hapiness and serenity is the measure of success.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I found that Al Anon taught me that I can find serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. For me, that meant that my separation (where I lived with him for 3 years but lived in separate bedrooms, etc) led to a divorce because I finally felt that I wanted more for myself. I think you have to decide what is right for you. What does that look like? Al Anon, journaling, talking to my sponsor, etc all have gotten me to a place where I had peace about my decisions: both the decision to stay for soo... long waiting for him to change or for things to get better, and for my decision to leave.

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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My situation in terms of successful communication with an active alcoholic who doesn't get their way? Not so much in my case, it has been mentally bloody for the last 3 years.

Where I have found peace is through the alanon program and knowing what I can do differently not to escalate those specific situations as well as knowing where to draw the boundaries.

The A in my situation turned around and married someone else .. all I can say is I seriously feel sorry for her and from the sounds of what my kids have shared she is having a small understanding of what she has gotten herself into already. My relief that I no longer have to do that dance or watch things spiral out of control anymore.

Staying or leaving is a very personal choice and what I do know is that through either road is not easy nor does it fix anything. I left and he continued to be more and more out of control. Now the façade is that everything is wonderful and the reality is no .. the alcoholic behavior is still there.

I would encourage you to seek your own answers, it doesn't really matter if he gets sober or not .. I came to find that when I got really honest about my marriage if you removed the alcohol .. there was no relationship to speak of and I want more than that even if it means being alone. I want a partner I can really be a partner with without settling because of the potential of said person.

I had fears that I would leave my XAH and he would get better and there was something seriously wrong with me that caused him to be this way. Thank God for Alanon because in these rooms I realized that I might have had a part in my dysfunctional marriage the reality for me was there is no way to have an honest relationship with an active alcoholic.

Hugs and keep coming back :)



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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I would say my life is becoming more successful each day since separating from my A. I am able to focus on what I want and need to do and be a much more stable and present mother; those are measures of success to me.
I found attending meetings and following the al-anon steps in great depth strengthened me in ways I had never imagined before.
The A in my life does seem to be much easier to communicate with now but after experiencing life in al-anon and away from the chaos and pain of our life together I could not imagine myself living with him again.
So all in all I would call my whole experience a success!

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



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SUCCESS for me means: I'm alive and have peace of mind, and I have a smile on my face most of the time these daysand if I don't , I know what to do to help myself.
That's what this program does and did to me, or what I did to myself. And yes I have NO Contact since exactly one year now. It was a struggle in the beginning, for he tried, in his many different charming ways. But I just went elsewhere. I managed to get a distance between us, and I first started doing that geographically. I went on a trip. a loooong trip. with every km I felt lighter, freer, more joyful on that journey day by day. Then when I got enough space around me I started focusing really JUST ON ME, selfish times, healing times. So much necessary times. I went through all the emotions, of anger, hatred, jealousy, desperation, sadness, sorrow, mourning. I let them all be present for some timeand then I let them go. I today I seriously believe I let that person die in my heart and in my soul. For when he contacts me today, and he still does, and he probably always will somehow, I am thinking of a dead person, and so i realize contact with that dead person is simply not possible, not realistic, not feasible. So I get contacted by a stranger, whom I don't know, who apparently got married 2 months ago and still drinking, so I don't have anything to say to that person, because he really is a stranger. I get on with my life, I am happy it is empty of lies and cheating and drama, I am peaceful now, and I appreciate the non-dramatic events and people that are in my life today. I replaced all that was connected to him with positive things and positive people. I gee a lot of time to myself, for everything I am good at, or what I want to learn or always wanted to do. I follow my dreams basically, and I found myself again, and I'm in love, with that fragile but so strong Self, honestly, I am doing well. And so do you. I don't know your story, but you are here for a reason, and YOU yourself clicked yourself through to end up here, so give yourself a gentle tap on your shoulder. Self-love is present, you just need to elaborate that a bit more. With growing self-love, everything unnecessary, everything dramatic vanishes automatically, and it will not feel like a loss in the process, it will feel like a gain. You have everything available to you, you just need to learn to look and grab in the right direction.
Never stop asking questions, if your gut tells you so!
Life is beautiful and I mean this, yes, this realization, that is success!
((((needguidance))))keep coming back!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Needguidance, and welcome. Here is a post of mine from last October:

After attending a F2F meeting this week that I hadn't been to in a while and realizing how far I have come in my 5+ years of Al-Anon, I looked back on some of my previous posts on this board. This one is from April 2012. Wow, I'm so grateful to have this program. I hope this post will be helpful to some of you who are struggling in an alcoholic marriage:



My AH and I have decided to proceed with a divorce. We've been separated for a year as of this weekend and between his continued drinking problem and our financial mess due to his poor business decisions (albeit, decisions that were made with a pickled brain), there were really no other options left. I was open to a legal separation, but he said, for him, it's "in or out- no in between."

There is a deep sadness in my heart right now, but at the same time a sense of relief that I can move forward with my life and to find the peace that I so dearly desire.

I'm so glad to have been able to have the support of my HP, Al-Anon sponsor, and my therapist in order to prepare for the tough decision I have come to and also to help me with the conversation I had today with my AH. It went much more civilally than I thought it would. No meanness, no hang ups, no yelling or blaming. Just two people coming to a decision in a respectful way. I know that I have a tough journey ahead of me as I go through the divorce process and beyond, but for today, I'm doing okay and moving forward. Thanks for letting me share.

Another additional post I added the next day:

Thank you, everyone, for your support and kind words. I've been married for 30 years- more than half my life. I can't believe he just laid down and didn't have anything to say. I know that I need to move on and that I have made so much progress since joining Al-Anon. I tried to stay for two years, but like Aunt Yaya said, it takes two to keep a relationship going.

For those of you who are early on in your relationship with your AH, I won't give you advice, but just tell you what worked for me. I will tell you that there were red flags that I chose to ignore or hide. I keep thinking that things would get better if I would just be there for him. Instead of him getting better, we both got worse. His drinking binges became more and more frequent (and then affected his health, finances and legal status), and I became depressed and physically affected (my blood pressure and weight went up with each passing year). Get to Al-Anon meetings, read the literature, get a sponsor. Give the alcoholic in your life up to his HP and trust in your HP to also take care of you. This is just would I would suggest. Take what you like and feel free to leave the rest.

I regret that I didn't get help sooner. I'm not sure if it would have saved my marriage, but I would have been in a better place much sooner and I think my kids would have been in a healthier state of mind today as well.

Hugs and God bless,



Green Eyes

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Jen


~*Service Worker*~

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My AH and I separated for almost a year, but it was not a no contact separation. He did eventually get sober and we have since put our family back together. That being said, please do not judge your own success on whether the A gets sober or not, or whether you stay together or not. My own personal success was found in my being able to finally set some healthy boundaries that I could back up, and let go of the outcome and its timing. I spent many days asking myself if I would stay married today? Each time the answer was yes, for today. There is so much that you simply have no control over in those that it is very unfair to yourself to make them a part of your standard of success. And it really isn't fair to the A either. The A has all they can do to survive this terrible disease, they cannot be responsible for your happiness or success. That is really our job to deal with.

Please just keep coming back. You will find help and hope with the love of the Al-Anon family. I did.

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~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown



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Need guidance, welcome:

Don't wait till tomorrow for a success story. Find serenity now, you can be calm in the face of the storm.

Use the tools of the Alanon program, for all your solutions and don't waste a day...
Keep coming back.

Hugs, Bettina

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