The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My dad has been alcohol-free for five weeks. He's also been in the hospital for that time. He attempted to do rehab last month and it seemed to uncover or exacerbate the neurological damage his drinking had caused. Five weeks ago, he walked into rehab under his own power. Now, he can't walk and if he's not on anti-psychotics, he's paranoid and agitated. We're now trying to figure out how to pay for the residential care he will need for the conceivable future.
I am so unspeakably angry at him for putting himself and all of us in this situation. I'm terrified that we're facing years of him existing in this horrible semi-coherent state. My step-mother often says that he would be horrified and embarrassed if he was capable of understanding the state he is in now. She also says that he would want me to know that he loves me.
Well, if that's the case, then why did he drink himself into serious and incurable liver and brain damage?!
I understand intellectually the nature of his disease and mine, but my heart is so filled with rage and sadness that I can't even think of him without feeling disgust and hatred. I know I can't maintain this level of emotion for long without it damaging me. The prospect of him lingering like this for months or years is overwhelming.
This is still very new, shocking, and disturbing. Prayers for your family. You have a lot to process. Just wanted to write in support of you. So sorry you are dealing with this.
Mikhail, I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I do understand your anger, and think it is a natural response. I can only suggest taking one day at a time (sounds corny, but it does help).
I can share a realization that I came to recently. My AH recently passed away. I know he loved me and never wanted to hurt me or his family. His resulting illnesses were painful for us as well as for him. He knew that and apologized for it. And yet, although he loved me, he still was unable to stop drinking until he was confined to a care home because of his physical frailty. The fact that I know he loved me, and he came to know that the results of his drinking hurt me, and STILL was unable to stop -- that is what convinced me that alcoholism is indeed a terrible disease.
I also want you to know that I understand your worries about how to pay for his care. Of course I do not know the solution that you will find, but I did want to share that in our family's case, our Higher Powers took care of us. Things unfold in ways we cannot predict.
Mikhall I too am sorry to read of the serious condition that your dad is in. Alcoholism is a devastating, progressive, fatal disease, and I know when my son was in the same place as you describe, I too projected into the future with great anxiety.
My sponsor and Al-Anon friends suggested that I live one day at a time, place principles above personalities and pray that HP's will be done.
Those simple tools helped me to live with a semblance of serenity and courage and let go of my anger
Please search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and come back here as well. You are not alone
WELCOME to MIP the Place where I Was Taught to Accept My Anger and Move on :)
When I Came Here I had Just Lost My AFather to this Disease... I was More Angry at him then I knew what to do with, And Every one Here told me to "Keep Coming Back", "Go to F2F Meetings", "Just One day at a time" and in the Beginning to be honest it Only angered me MORE :/ But I Did what they Told Me... I Went to 6 f2f Meetings, like Requested, I Practiced Staying in the Moment and Not Looking to The Future I Could Not Predict, and I Stopped Looking back at ALL I Could not Change, and Slowly, but Surely I was Able to Forgive My AFather, and Accept His Disease... and Alot of that came from My Al-Anon Family Holding me Up when I Was Slipping Down...
A Friend Once Said to Me... "Would you Be As Angry if He Died From Cancer even if he was Still and Alcoholic?" and I had to think on that awhile.. Your Forgiveness will Come... And if it don't, well this program will help you at least Let Go of what We Can Not Change...
You are Truly in the Right Place, and I Hope you Continue to Keep Coming Back... It Truly does Work, If your Willing to Work it ;)
I too offer you many (((Hugs))), Prayers and fellowship as you begin to process all this information. I am so sorry for your position in all this, and also want you to know we are all here for you.
I've not been in your shoes but we are all here because of this disease. As you can see from the posts above me, others have been and have offered some good advice to you.
The best I got - stay in the moment. The past is gone already and the future has not arrived.
Please keep coming back - you are welcome here any time.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Alcohol does more damage to the body and brain then any other drug. It damages all organs and goes to the blood stream immediately, then to the small intestine and then
the brain in a matter of seconds. Its devastating its frustrating to the person who has to stand by and watch the destruction of a human being that you love. That's what the
rage is all about, extreme love.
In living with my x alcoholic husband who passed away two years ago at 58 years old from alcoholism, You come to realize at some point that these are the choices they make
maybe it just becomes too much of a hurdle and inconceivable to them that they could stop. Nobody can tell you why they drink, except its difficult to stop. Everybody has a bottom
my x husbands was death, because he certainly was not living happily, he suffered so much to see he had declined...
I wish you serenity in the midst of chaos , keep coming back and learn the tools of Alanon for you...
Hugs, Bettina
Aloha Mikhail so compassionate with your situation and your expression of it. I went thru that with my alcoholic/addict wife until she finally got sober and then we were totally done in by it. I too carried a lot of anger and rage and didn't at first know what to do with it. I know I can't maintain this level of emotion for long without it damaging me. The prospect of him lingering like this for months or years is overwhelming. That was my thought at the time also until my home group taught me a lesson in Acceptance. Acceptance they taught me was the opposite of anger and if I did want to feel anger feel acceptance. I thought them crazy because who could accept all of the bad and crazy things that were happening and they went on to tell me "you don't accept the morality of the behavior jus the fact of it. I could accept the fact that it was happening and let go of the judgment of it and it was in that lesson that my anger was replace with empathy and compassion. I hope your anger gets changed also. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
