The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A and I have had a lot of problems, especially with our relationship in the last two years.Though sometimes we work at it, the disease does get in the way.But more than that, its the honesty of the relationship by and large that has taken the greatest hit.And I feel more than ever, if I dont do everything my A wants me to do without complaining and in her way, she loathes me.The disdain is palatable. But even when I do those things she wants me to do, I still get the brunt of her hatefulness. And it breaks my heart.
Case in point: when we are in public- with her friends or mine, with family, etc.she says how wonderful things are, how much she loves me, and that she has all these plans for us.At first I have gotten hopeful.And thought she really thinks these things.But as soon as we are alone and I bring something up, she kinda hmmps at me, and turns away from me.It was really clear when I was with my family for a Valentines Day wedding, and she said she has this surprise for me and when we get home she has more waiting for me.So when we were in private, I asked her about this surprise in anticipation that maybe she really was serious and sincere.She just rolled her eyes at me, rolled over, and went to sleep.I cried the other way.
My biggest thing with me is trust.If youre going to say something, be honest.Otherwise, actions speak louder than words.And when were out in public, I feel like she wants to save face on how our relationship really is.But when we are alone, its total disgust for me.
So now that marriage is legal in all 50 states, shes playing up this marriage thing to everyone.And right now, I dont think its a good idea.And if I bring that up, hell I know will break lose.Because talking in private, its more about the financial end than, wow, I cant believe we can finally be married for marriages sake and all that it stands for.Im heartbroken. I believe a perimeter/ boundary needs to be set up before plans for this: seeing a counselor and doing what we should have done before our commitment ceremony 10 years ago. Though she only wants to go to the justice of the peaceI think for the rest of our lives, we need to have something prior to this commitment, because of all of the damage that has been done.I dont want to pay for a divorce on top of it.Thanks!
-- Edited by gabigail on Sunday 28th of June 2015 03:21:49 PM
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Gabi, when in doubt...don't. I am almost glad gay marriage was not legal when I was with my ex. I bet I would have married him despite all our issues. It was not unlike you describe. When I married my current husband, it was after I had a lot of recovery and I was firm in who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had zero reservations about getting married to him.
I know a 10 year (or longer) history is a long time and I understand a desire to still try and work on things...but, you are describing some really negative thoughts and feelings about this relationship...and major reservations. More alanon would help give you clarity also. Relationship counseling with an active addict is often disappointing. Some of it is what you describe. They want certain things and will verbally state plans, but they are too locked in the disease to follow through.
(((Gabi))) - so very sorry for the cold shoulder that seems to be present. I too first thought of, "When in doubt, don't...." - it is a tool I have close to the top of my tool box because for so, so, so long my reactions and decision making just sucked.
I believe the concerns you are discussing are your HP poking you. I believe that as you have embraced this program, you are seeing some things that may not fit. Another great tool in the program is try to avoid any major decisions for at least 6 months.
I would do the best you can to keep the three C(s) close to the top and work on you. I use the three C(s) well beyond this disease - I use it and powerless when folks are doing or saying things around me that are uncomfortable or inappropriate. Any time I remind myself how powerless I am over this disease, people, places & things, the serenity prayer pops into my head and it brings me a bit of peace.
I do not handle rejection well and am rejected every day (by my values and my perception). When I share with program friends and my sponsor, they all remind me that I am trying to be logical and loving in situations that present unwell people. And, I expect a positive or adult outcome - which is my issue on ASSuming and expecting 'normal'.
Do what you can to find peace in your world for you. Let HP hold you and lead you in your daily life and program growth. The answers will come - I've seen it happen all around me as well as in my life.
Hang in there and know you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Gabi)))) Better now than too late...You have received great responses already and I hope you combine them with "the courage to change the things I can" from the Serenity Prayer. I just loved being able to "get it" in the program by sitting and listening with an open mind and then applying "the courage to change" after the new wisdom. I know that I married my alcoholic/addict after coming to the realization that I shouldn't and wouldn't. Doing something I didn't want to do and planned not to do was appalling to me after the fact. I didn't so much hate anything or one other than myself thereafter. I came to understand that marrying her when I decided I wouldn't was a large part of my enabling, co-dependent character and changing it was a highlight in my recovery. Dealing with and living with hate and disdain isn't a great picture for me now. Prayers for you...((((hugs))))
((((gabigail)))) I'm married and I spend way too much time daydreaming about my "next" wife. I'm miserable. I can relate to your share - the constant posturing for friends and family with no substance behind it. She'll take anyone's side over mine on both the most trivial and the most important issues. Before al-anon every argument would finally end with me demanding that she tell me just one thing - just one - I ever did to be so undeserving of the least amount of respect. At that time I still expected there to be some kind of reasoning or rational somewhere in her and would say "You can relay to me in detail when so-and-so said this, and so-and-so did that - even if it was in the [sic] 8th grade! but you can't give me one single reason why you treat me this way!" She would just glare at me. I finally realized I was arguing with an illness in a person suit. I care for her. I love her. But I wouldn't say "yes" again for anything in the world. Not only do I feel she's not my wife and not my partner, but she isn't even my friend. Friends stick up for each other. Friends comfort each other. Friends support each other. Friends encourage each other...
I remember when my now ex proposed, I truly wasn't looking for marriage but I didn't want to say no which would result in an end to the relationship - I can imagine the fear, being afraid that if she asks and if you say no, the relationship ends and you aren't sure you want it to end. When in doubt, do nothing.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
