The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems this insidious disease is always with me. I wont ever be completely free from the effects of alcoholism, or will i? I dont know. The shortcomings that are strong in my life right now and act as a barrier to my serenity are impulsiveness and impatience. it seems i want what i want and i want it now and im in a desperate hurry. Its like an obsession and its about anything really. I get an idea of how i want things to go and how i think they should go and i want to make it happen exactly that way!!!!! listening to the aa speakers today i got a bit of insight into this. A man spoke about spiritual malady, i think thats what he said but he was saying how compulsive thoughts are about not letting go and letting God. I want peace. I dont have serenty right now. I feel like all my nerves are on fire and i cant slow down and feel my higher power. any suggestions good people?
My suggestion that works for me is being
Kind and gentle with myself. I am doing
The best i can, God has me. He is my judge
And jury not me or anyone else.
Elcee, from what I observe, you are just now embracing some scary, but exciting changes. You are out of your comfort zone. The disease had you settling for less for a very long time and only now are you questioning that. So...I can see how you would want to slow down this scary change process but it beats not going through it. Relax. I am willful and want things right away too. I want a 20k raise like...yesterday....and not cuz I even need it that bad. I just want it. I have to remind myself to cool my jets and be in the now also.
I find that this is where gratitude lists help me. I've been focusing on that tool a good bit. It's hard after I make a gratitude list to add the word "but..." at the end. I get a serenity boost and find it easier to let the things that aren't how I want them go.
I have been there and done that - not very successfully.....my brain has a hard, hard time slowing down and shutting 'off' always. I am not sure what side of the table or other genetic reasons for this, but it's 'there' always. I tend to say I lack patience and I too want what I want when I want it.....
I do not have the answers but can share that my brain slows the most when I am meditating. It's a hard thing for me to do so one of two things I do.....I either focus on a set of slogans or a set of prayers. Both from the program(s)......
When I am in the fastest mode of processing, and really impatient on results, I am often meditating on KISS - Keep it Simple (Silly - I choose to say)....I can say KISS (fully) as many times as 100 and it will slow me.
When I focus on KISS with ODAT, I am often brought back to center which makes my gratitude lists more 'meaningful' and less 'superficial'.
I can't say why, but for me when things start to 'derail' from what I want/need, my first reaction isn't always HP lead me. It's an old habit (been trying self-reliance for years and years and more years).....So - I often have to remind myself who is truly in charge, and it's not me.
So - beyond meditation with slogans/prayers, which usually bring me back to the moment & gratitude, my next choice to right-size my life is service work.
My brain will also 'slow to normal processing' while I am reading but I have to meditate before program literature. So a good novel/crime story/mystery will center my thinking and distract my brain when all else fails.
If I had to guess, I would say I was 'wired wrong' to begin with (genetics), which led me to feel less than/different (and to self-medicating)....but I will never know what came first - my chicken or my egg - LOL!
Hope this helps! I have to stay vigilant against this whole 'part of me' as I can think myself right into a rabbit-hole if I am not careful. It's easier to get right-thinking while holding on to the edges than when I fall to the bottom - for sure...
HTH!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I want to respond to this because I identify. We are never cured just as the A is never cured. What we really have is a daily reprieve based in our spiritual condition, each day. This means a lifetime of daily work.
As a selfish untreated Alanon who always wanted more and more to the point i started stealing emotionally security from others. When I saw through my work what the truth was, everything changed. And that's where I found God.
