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Post Info TOPIC: Belated "Fathers Day" event - suggestions appreciated


Senior Member

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Posts: 210
Date:
Belated "Fathers Day" event - suggestions appreciated


Hi MiP friends,

I need a bit of "encouragement" here ....and a few suggestions would not cause offense..lol

Many here know my AH has been drinking since  age 10, but is in recovery right now.  He is a little over 2 1/2 months working a program and seems to be working it well, attending meetings, working with his sponsor, and generally doing a pretty good job of handling his business.

When we started this AA/ AlAnon journey, he  and I were both a HOT Mess!  He had gotten a DUI and finally realized he was loosing everything.  One of the things I insisted on was him addressing his grown daughter's behavior toward me.  He is the father and I feel he is the one who should address her (she won't listen to me anyway).  She is generally very condescending, petty, and generally nasty to me personally (directly and indirectly) and obviously speaks negatively about me to her two young children...since children have a way of letting you know how their parents really feel about you....lol. I'm sure most of you understand that a 5 year old's behavior to a particular person (especially when they very rarely see them) is a reflection of what they hear more than anything else.

Anyway, AH did address his daughter's behavior  over the phone and did tell her it was no longer acceptable.  The result has been one communication since....an email of the front of a Mother's Day card with no additional writing of any kind on Mothers Day, so it's not looking too positive on the pleasantly scale.

We were traveling on Fathers Day and have decided to have a small lunch here Sunday after church.  I am a crystal glass and China plate gal and she is a paper plate and plastic cup one, so I am even lowering my own expectations and doing things the easy way...paper plates, plastic cups and all.  It will be just my AH, our daughter, my mother and Step-father, my step-daughter and her two children...possibly her AB (long term live in), and perhaps my step-son (who has finally matured and is now kind of pleasant to deal with).

I have to admit that the thought of Sunday is making me crazy.  I generally despise these particular gatherings and get very angry, frustrated, and hurt by the clearly hateful comments and actions of my step-daughterand the fact that AH allows it.  If I address it then I am the "B".

I realize I am projecting and that is not a good thing.  I am looking for suggestions or ESH on the best/most pleasant way to deal with her behavior.  She is quite obviously angry that my AH "chastised" her for sending a birthday party invitation with only his name on it for her oldest daughter's 5th Bday party.  I refused to go since I was not invited and he did not go either. That was his decision. I made mine and he made his own.

I did pick up some small token gifts for the girls (kids) while we were on the trip since they are not to blame for their mother's behavior.  Even that was hard to do (if I am being honest with myself).  The history of the relationship is quite long and I honestly do not know what I have done to make her despise me so.  I have always treated his children exactly as I do my own daughter (until it became completely obvious that she did not want me in her life in any way....especially since she started having children of her own).  The only thing I can think I did was when she was just beginning her relationship with ABF.  My AH was drunk and she and I were in the car and she told me her BF was a very heavy drinker.   I pointed out only that she had lived her whole life having an AF and might want to seriously consider her decisions before marrying or having children with any man who is an A.  Otherwise, the BF was (and still seems to be) a very nice man.  He is now full blown AH and has a hard time keeping employment though, but they are still together.

She also harbors a great deal of resentment because she thinks we have things she (and her mother) do not.  He DID pay child support until she was 23 and was never late or anything like that.  We just chose to spend differently.  To each his/her own.

I have not talked to her since AH's DUI or since he began working a program.  I feel it is not my place, especially since we are not close.  I do feel, however, I should be treated with respect.  I don't want to have a big uproar though becauseI simply do not wish to participate in it.

Has anyone here been able to work through this sort of thing successfully?  It is tomorrow and I don't want to spend today and tomorrow in a negative state.  I really WANT to stay in the moment today, do my cooking and housework, and prepare for a lovely day at church and a nice afternoon meal for our belated Fathers Day "celebration".  

I do great with everything until her image pops into my head and the dread and resentment start.

Any ideas or suggestions?



__________________

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

Remembering that I am powerless over people places and things and that placing principles above personalities and treating everyone with courtesy and respect, while keeping the focus on myself, enables me to stay detached with serenity courage and wisdom.A few Al-Anon calls also helps

Good luck

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 210
Date:

Thank you Betty. I so wish I had that phone link.

AH was able to get me a list of some sort, but I haven't taken the time to sort through it with all the travel and trying to catch up. I'll pull it out today and see what I can find. Perhaps there will be some meeting somewhere close I can attend ff today. I sure hope so!

Thanks again for your reply. It helps!

__________________

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

I find my serenity best stays in tact when I avoid people that I perceive to be pushing my buttons on purpose.

I find myself wondering if there is any need for you to force yourself to attend these occasions that you don't enjoy, to be in the company of someone that you feel does not like you and that you do not enjoy being around? I have stopped attending things that I "dread" and need not attend and I feel a lot happier for it!

Hope you find a meeting


__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Doingmybest

I would do my best to hit as many meetings as possible before the event. As each day arrives, just keep in that moment. The luncheon appears to be for Father's Day, so it's not about you, the dishes, the Step-D, it's about the boys - try keeping that in the front of your brain and do your best to enjoy your hula-hoop!

I have a large family and we have disputes, dysfunction and more! But even the sickest of us can regain our focus when reminded - and it's been said more than once, at my family events, with and without love - let's remember why we are here and enjoy the day.

Those 11 words stated only when tension begins to surface have derailed more family feuds than I can count. Of course, it does help if the person saying them is not the PS (Pot Stirrer) or the target but it works even then if said with love and compassion.

We can not control other people, places and things - important and powerful tool. We can control our actions, reactions and words - also important and powerful tool. When I know I will be around another who pushes my buttons or brings out the worst in me, I do all that I can to be pleasant and brief in my discussions with them. Yes. No. Please pass the potatoes. Thank you. So glad you came. I almost put my 'business mode' on to QTIP - quit taking it personally (Thanks Betty).

I believe my HP is always with me, but I invite him to the head of the table when with family. It tends to be a time when I really need to remember who is in charge.

Make today great and don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Trust HP and all will be well!

(((Hugs))) to you and prayers for a great event!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Focus on the children. 5 year olds love "knock-knock" jokes so google to get something to say to them. I would physically stay as far away from the daughter as possible. Go into another room if you have to. I have spent whole parties in the kitchen to avoid a confrontation that is pointless. (At least the kitchen is clean when the party is over).

Don't let her get you down. She is getting some of her attitude from the ex-wife, her mother. You don't have any control over that.

Take care of yourself.

__________________
maryjane


Senior Member

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Posts: 242
Date:

Why do we put ourselves through things like this? My husband's daughter and one son do not like me and never have. No reason as I met their dad well after their mom left him but that is just the way it is. The hurt is that we raised the son for many years until he wanted the party life at sixteen and we said no. So he went and partied with him AH and drug addicted mother and we became the bad guys. I used to host family get- togethers. They were full of tension and the biting of one's tongue. Finally I said enough. If my husband wants to get together with those two, then he can do so. ( Mother died of drug related health problems at the age of 41) His other son regularly comes to family functions and appears to love both of us. Now family occasions are comfortable and fun. You are not going to change his daughter's feelings and she apparently is not going to even try to be sociable.

Maybe encourage your husband to take her and his grandkids out to lunch for a celebration? That way he sees them and you are not stressed.

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Senior Member

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Thank you all so much. We (AH and I) spent virtually the whole day cooking today and will have to do the same tomorrow morning to simply have something ready to put on the table. That seems kind of stupid in a way, but I had a lot of fresh vegetables that I wanted to roast quickly, so I took the opportunity. Of course, he wanted fresh homemade spaghetti sauce for dinner tonight too...so k did that as well. I'm not playing play some poor pitiful me game....I actually really love to cook (my way...which this was), but I am chronic pain and this just does me in!

He did do a great deal of the work, including the last minute shopping, the lifting of anything heavy, and whatever else I needed his help with.

It feels good to know I'm not alone here! But, I am very sorry some of you have had to experience blended families with issues like mine. We too tried to raise these children, but the girl lied in court and that was that....the bottom line was that she didn't like our rules...the same ones our daughter has to follow...partying was more fun.

I will do my very best to follow all of my AlAnon guidance tomorrow and will try to stop being anxious. I did find out today that AH has not told her anything about his DUI or his time in recovery.

Thanks again friends!

__________________

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.



~*Service Worker*~

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(((hugs))) to you Doingmybest!

Just take it one moment at a time, and I'm sure you will be fine!

Prayers and positive thoughts sent your way for a great and beautiful day.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
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The best way for me to squash a beef when I feel I should be getting along with someone is to open up communication and do so in a humble way. I have to be willing to hear stuff that I don't like and don't agree with and still validate the other person. I have to be willing to hear that maybe I did act like an A-hole. I try to believe that nobody is purposely hateful or an inherent bad person. They are either sick or have their own ways of looking at things and the same is true for me. I try not to apologize for stuff I didn't do, but it's a fine line. I only do this when it comes to my husband's family really. I have been in relationships where we both had issues with each other's family members and that was horrid and I refuse to have that happen again if I can help it. There is no reason for them not to like me really....and vice versa. This time I put extra effort into these relationships with my in-laws and they know that I adore their son/brother/uncle...and it's all good. His mother is not the easiest person. I am the first partner of his to EVER get along with her. I listen to her, validate her, let her talk about herself and go on for hours about her opinions and so forth. I listen to her gossip. She even pulled some drama the day before our wedding, but it's all good. I let it go. It's that important to me to get along with my husband's mother and I actually do really love her now. I refuse to have another relationship where we compare whose in-laws are bigger A-holes. That was draining on me and whom I was with at the time....big time.

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Senior Member

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Date:

Wonderful ESH, as usual...from everyone!

I will take today as it comes. If needed, there will be a conversation...if not, then so be it.

I (we) brought the children back a few gifts from our trip and I will do my very best to give them with honesty and without expectations. I will say the serenity prayer over and over as long as is needed, and I will do it silently, to myself.

Unfortunately, church is not going to happen this morning because there isn't time....plus, I am in a very bad pain flare at the moment. This too shall pass. Please do not feel any need to address chronic pain. It is a part of my life and will therefore be a part of my thoughts on occasion, but I do not wish to dwell on it or to talk about it at length. It is what it is.

I have to get up and move now & reset my SCS (spinal cord stimulator) or I will just lay here feeling sorry for myself. It's time to start my day and make it a good one!

Hugs to each and every one of you and hank you for all the ESH, because it does help! I'm without a local group or sponsor right now and MIP and other literature on AlAnon and AA are my rocks right now. aH is doing great working his program, so I will let him work it and deal with me.

Peace!!!

__________________

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Positive thoughts and energy on the way
Hope the day works out well and I already know that the food will be delicious. )

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
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