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Post Info TOPIC: Listening to recovering alcoholics


~*Service Worker*~

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Listening to recovering alcoholics


I went to an aa convention last night and im blown away, as always, by the honesty and awareness shared by the speakers. The love and understanding and gratitude shown in the room by everyone is brilliant. I think about this disease as one disease, just alcoholism and how it affects everyone. The alcoholic has the most obvious symptoms, the partners symptoms more subtle, hidden behind the mask of denial, the childrens symptoms difficult to see until they are older, well, in my own experience and so its a family disease, each person getting sicker and sicker in different ways. 

I remember listening to an aa member for the first time, early in my own recovery and thinking, they dont have a clue what the partners been through. That may be true, neither person can completely understand or know the others experience within the disease.

Now, to me, its not about whos suffered the most? Who did what to each other, he said that to me 10 years ago, etc. It truly doesnt matter to me anymore. I recognise this as my own disease belonging to only me. The alcoholics in my life owe me nothing. Their drinking or their sobriety is theirs and theirs alone as is my own. We are 2 people fighting a powerful disease. 

When we accept our own responsibilities for our own recovery and take our eyes off another human being then we begin to see ourselves as part of the same thing, we are not them and us. Anyway, thanks for listening and have a happy saturday.x



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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks LC Alcoholism is indeed a family disease that is cunning baffling and powerful. I Kept the focus on the alcoholic in my life, didn't see my disease(because I never took the time to look at myself) and my disease festered untreated.

Thank God for AA, Al-Anon and Alateen.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Festering is a good word hotrod. Mines festered for years and I wasn't aware. Cunning and baffling it truly is. So so so grateful I've woke up Thanks to alanon.x



-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 27th of June 2015 06:30:40 AM

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Senior Member

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Excellent word for today for me ..... Festered...yep, that fits this disease to a T!

I have let mine fester way too long. It's time to lance the darn thing and stop it from growing.

Thanks for the reminder!

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There, but for the Grace of God, go I.



~*Service Worker*~

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El-Cee -

It sounds like your convention speaker did well and those in the room were supporting and loving and caring! So glad you went and so glad you had new growth during the meeting.

In April, I went to a convention in Arkansas. I had not paid too much attention to the speakers as I was a last minute 'Yes' to help a program friend who needed a roommate as another had bailed. So, talk about HP in action - of the 6 speakers, 4 of them were husband and wife. And it was split - one husband AA + one wife Al-Anon and then one wife AA + one husband Al-Anon.

It was absolutely incredible to watch them all share there story. Not one time did any of the four appear angry or resentful about the other. Not one time did any of them need to 'bash' about the other, and they were even careful to limit blends that would be potential gossip.

Being around for almost 28 years, I will say that 3 of the 4 were the best speakers I've ever heard. Their ability to focus on their path, their pain and their recovery was awesomely inspiring. The fourth was very nervous, and his story was awesome but he was coming from a place of shame as he had been sober for 15+ years, and gotten sideways with a bunch of debt recently. So, he was very honest and very 'real' about where he was - which I appreciated. His own shame held him back a bit in his delivery, which is the only reason why I had seen 'better'.

I agree with you about one group fighting one disease. It becomes so much clearer when you are at a convention. There were full rooms/standing room only for all 4 of these speakers - most of us were there to hear all/as many speakers as we could - no separate between the two sides of the table. Conventions are like a pep-rally before the game - so awesome and inspiring and full of folks with hope for the future. It is always so amazing to me that so many folks from so many different sides of life can come together for fellowship and love!

I am glad you shared this today. It took me back to that weekend which was absolutely perfect and the push I needed during a difficult time to get through it. I am going to another in August (I think....that's the plan) in Nebraska and can't wait!

Have a marvelous day! (((Hugs))) to all!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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One of the many things I am grateful for in AlAnon is my increased ability to look at others to see what I can learn, rather than to pass judgement on their actions and determine on my own what is best for them. I had not realized before how arrogant I was in some ways, nor how ridiculous that was of me considering my own character defects and denial (C2C p. 79).

So many times I approached with the mindset that my perspective was THE correct, accurate, and reasoned reality. We can learn so much from others, no matter who they are or what their character defects. Thank you el-cee and commenters for this reminder on the powers of respect and perspective.

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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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What a great post El-Cee with great responses!!  I feel so grateful this morning knowing I am in this recovering family.   ((((hugs)))) to you all. wink



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~*Service Worker*~

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The 7 years I spent with an alcoholic while simultaneously falling deeper into my own alcoholism....I have a hard time figuring out what was damage from my own drinking and what was the relationship. I also now view it as one giant glob of sickness. I was living in alcoholism from multiple directions. The entire thing was just a warped, sad, and sick existence.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Mark love your new avatar--Precious

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Cooper! The most photogenic of our 3 dogs!

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~*Service Worker*~

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smileCooper is adorable . Thanks for cheering me up with his  picture.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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pinkchip - I so agree.....Cooper is beyond adorable - what a sweet face!!! Thanks for sharing ... I am a huge fan of fur-babies!!!

I'll have to find one of Layla girl and add her to my avatar!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I went to an aa convention last night and im blown away, as always, by the honesty and awareness shared by the speakers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just my experience...... I heard an AA speaker last year and I was really blown away too. A few months later I asked another AlAnon about this guy and if he ever goes to the Alano club. I was really impressed by his speech. She replied to me that "it was all a lie". He fooled everyone except his wife who was in the middle of divorcing him. Wow. That hit me hard. I am so naive. It is hard to not swing to the not believing anyone about anything they say..... but...... I was tempted to go there.

Be careful and take care of yourself.

Pink, I love your Cooper. And I love the name for a dog.

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maryjane


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Pinkchip,

I have a friend that I was helping thru his recovery, he drank all his life mostly, he was 69 at the time he stopped and has been sober for 17 months, but

his wife continues to drink and now that he is sober, his eyes are open to the fact that all they had was the drinking and the covering up of not looking

at their relationship.  Its seems there is some type of codependent dynamic between them and he can't seem to break from it, even though he says

he has discovered that maybe the marriage should have ended a long time ago. but he cant break away and seems defeated. Did you experience any of that. I can't

remember if you separated from you spouse.

Hugs, Bettina



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~*Service Worker*~

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Yes Bettina. I did break up from my partner at that time. I actually separated to get sober because, at the end, the only thing we really did together was drink...and that was turning miserable and not fun at all.

In retrospect, it was like having a veil lifted and seeing all this ugly dysfunction more clearly. I saw how much of it was caused by my drinking and also by his. Prior to that, I just thought all this chaos, drama, and BS was truth and that was my reality. On top of that, I could see that my refusal or inability to deal with the dysfunction was also caused by alcohol. I relate to what you describe your friend going through.

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I guess its all about the courage to change...

Its difficult, I know when I had enough of the x, It was the most horrible withdrawal for me, it took all my strength and courage. Sometimes the non drinker is sicker than
the drinker...

Well, we must move forward , because we have too

Hugs, Bettina

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Working on step 4 is showing me more and more about myself and my responsibility to keeping this disease alive and well within my family. It's a choice.
I am also beginning to feel more empathy for the alcoholic. I used to just feel rage, resentment, blame.... But now I see the other side too. Their pain, their shame and their feeling of utter helplessness mirrors my own.

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I've got new tools, and I'm running with them!



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Beautiful

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you El-Cee for your share.  My goal has always been to educate myself with Al-Anon information, so that I could be more empathetic and therefore less angry. 

My effort to share with newcomers has been to focus on passing along the steps and this board's efforts, which both have taught me so much.  xoxo



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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie

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