The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I am a 29 years old. My mother is an alcoholic and I struggled a lot in my childhood because of this. She was verbally abusive to me and my brother the entire time we lived with our parents. My father is a great person and never left her even after her terrible behavior for many years but I have seen the strain her addiction has put on him.
I have now been married to my husband for 5 years (we have been together 10). When we first got together we were young. He drank a lot then, but I told myself that was normal for a college kid even though there were a few times I asked him to cut back. When we got married some of this behavior continued until I made the tough realization that my husband is also an alcoholic. He struggles with depression and uses alcoholism as his coping mechanism. When he gets in this state he sinks as deep as he can into depression and self-loathing. I first realized a few years ago when I went back to school to continue my education that his problem has worsened. He was staying up late and getting drunk at night while I slept, so it took a while to realize how bad he had gotten. It was at this time he started hiding his drinking from me and lying about it. He would take out extra money at the grocery store so that I didn't know he was buying booze.
Fast forward to a year or so later. I finished school and got a great job. I have excelled and am viewed as a top performer at my company. When I first got the job he insisted on quitting his current job stating he needed the time to look for the job he really wanted (teaching). We fought and fought about this decision and he ultimately did quit his job anyway. During this time he spent little time searching for employment. I would come home and the house would be dirty and he would already be passed out drunk. There were a few times he screamed at me and blamed his supporting my success as the reason he has not achieved his career goals. I tried to get his family involved at this point but they have done nothing. After months passed with him being unemployed, he finally got a job (although not as a teacher) since I had finally met my wits end with his unemployment and drinking.
I thought this new job would be the answer that would make him feel validated and help ease off his drinking. Since his employment began his drinking will come in cycles. He will get stupid drunk for a couple of nights, then be sober for a while. He stays up past 1 to 2 AM playing video games and drinking a few nights a week and sleeps separately from me although sometimes the noise and clumsiness of him being drunk wakes me up at night. He has already decided he hates his job and wants to quit again to pursue his "dream" of being a teacher but never shows initiative to really look for other jobs, even when friends have offered to help get a foot in the door. He has continued to lie and attempt to hide his addiction from me. I have had several confrontations with him over the past several months about his drinking and have told him that either his drinking goes or I do. He'll quit for a while, then the cycle starts over.
I struggle with when the right time is to leave. Most of our time our relationship is great, but when he drinks I hate him. It feels like I am growing up with my alcoholic mother all over again. How could he do this to me knowing what she put me through? I blame myself for not recognizing earlier the signs that he had this problem. Our attempts to have children have been put on hold a few times due to his behavior. I think about what our future children would feel like if they saw him that way, and what I felt like as a child with my mother. I think about becoming like my father, and struggling with my spouse's addiction for the rest of our lives.
If I would have noticed sooner, it would have been easier to escape. His family is now my family. What will they think when I kick him to the curb? I love him and he is a caring faithful man who has never physically harmed me. I want to help him, but at this stage in the game, I realize he has to help himself and I have to help myself. 90% of the time our relationship is good, but what % has to be bad before I should take action? Is any level of alcoholism ok to tolerate? Am I a bad person for leaving a person with an alcohol problem who has been faithful to me for so many years? I have struggled so much with these questions lately. I go between having the "strike while the iron is hot" mentality and the feeling that I should give him more time. How do you know when enough is enough?
Hello therinoa welcome to Miracles in Progress.No one can tell you when is the right time to leave the marriage,but I'd like to suggest is that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meeting in the community and attend. I can certainly identify with what you shared and would like to suggest that alcoholism is a cunning baffling, powerful disease over which we are powerless. It has been identified as being a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. AA is a recovery program for the person that drinks and Al-Anon has been set up is a recovery program for family members who have lived with the disease.
Living with the disease we develop many negative destructive tools in an effort to deal with the daily insanity. We lose our focus and become invisible to ourselves and our self-esteem suffers.
Attending meetings will help to break the isolation caused by living with the disease, develop new constructive tools to live lby and rediscover your self-esteem. self-worth and your ability to make positive choices for yourself.
Please keep coming back here as well. There is hope
Aloha A and welcome to the board also. Just a note...alcohol is a chemical depressant...and if he shows signs of depression score another point for the booze. I learned a lot about the chemical inside the rooms of Al-Anon and college. I learned just how powerless I was over the chemical and the disease of addiction which is the result of compulsive drinking. Hotrod share some of her ESH Experience, Strength and Hope with you the most important part of which for me was get into he rooms of the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and hang with us here at MIP cause you will be networking with those who understand your thoughts, feelings and behaviors cause we have (or are) been there and know very well what you are going thru. We learn our part in the disease. Yes we play a part and learning that part so that we can change it is most important. Our part plays against us and makes the situation worse. You will also learn such tools as the 3 Cs...We didn't cause this, We cannot control it and We will never cure it. Your husband is sick...very sick with a potentially fatal disease. Get to the rooms of Al-Anon...get the literature...talk to the fellowship...find a power greater than yourself who you can constantly lean on and follow the suggestions you hear. Keep coming back here often. (((((hugs)))))
Your post is scary for me because there are so many similarities to my situation. The main differences are that, I pretty much knew right from the start that my partner had a drinking problem and that rather than 10 years with this man it has been 22. Sorry to say this but Looking back I wish I had broken up with my partner at 5 or 10 years together rather than waiting till now to be contemplating breaking up. I just never realized how bad it could get I guess. I always thought since he didn't physically abuse me that it wasn't really that bad. We never had any children together but my son from my first marriage had to grow up watching this insane circus that I call my life. I am starting to learn stuff by going to alanon and one thing is that most alcoholics do not beat this demon. I personally am starting to loose hope in my situation but like you am paralyzed by the thought of how do I abandon this man who is so obviously illl but really can't seem to see it.
-- Edited by JukuVee on Saturday 27th of June 2015 02:32:58 AM
I can relate to your post very much. I met my now exAH when we were in college and I also grew up with an A parent (father). I too accepted a lot with my AH in college because isn't true that college students drink to excess? After school there were always reasons for drinking alcoholically--and there always will be. One of the statements that helped me a lot early on was: "an A is going to drink. What are you going to do?". There is no set answer for when or if you should leave. As the post-ers above wrote, going to face to face Alanon meetings and reading the literature is an immense help. We are here with you!
I too welcome you to MIP. Others above me have given you some ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) and I only offer a few thoughts to help you just for today! In Al-Anon, we learn the 3 C(s) - We didn't cause it, We can't control it and We can't cure it. As stated, this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive.
In Al-Anon, I've learned how to live and thrive in spite of the disease. It's a journey that I would never have found without the disease, so I am grateful to be here.
I wish you well and hope you keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That is a really, really tough question. I do hear you torturing yourself with some questions that are not helping you. Listen, alcoholism is enough to want out....all by itself. I'm not encouraging you to leave, but if and when the time comes, you will do it to be true to yourself. He will spin you negative to his family in all likelihood. They all have this "life craps on me"/self-pity thing going on the feeds the disease and that is what they tell family or anyone that will listen. His family may or may not get the real side of things. For me, there came a time when I had to save myself and let all the other chips fall wherever. Follow your heart, pray on it, and keep your other supports around you so you have friends and your own family to help you through this.
I fully identify the "I must follow my dreams!" thing while getting trashed and me paying all the bills and then getting told "You don't support me!!!!" when I was literally supporting him the whole time (by paying for everything!). It got sooooooo old. What about my dream to have a sane and contented partner and relationship? What about that?!! Finally those thoughts won out....just speaking for myself.
Is any level of alcoholism ok to tolerate? Am I a bad person for leaving a person with an alcohol problem who has been faithful to me for so many years?
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Hi,
First of all a little about my experience. We were married 29 years before he got the DUI that sent him to AA. We had 4 children. He had a good job that paid well. That is why I didn't leave, but I was planning my escape for when the last one finished high school.....
I have to point out to you that your partner has not been faithful to you. His new mistress is alcohol. He will do anything for her to the detriment of you. I had to have that pointed out to me too. "Your hubby has stepped away from this marriage a long time ago....." It was heartbreaking.
We are still married, since 1971. His choices also got him some bad cancer.... a direct result from the alcohol.
I am sane as the result of the AlAnon program. Find some meetings in your area and listen to everyone's experiences. Your answers will come as you learn more. At this point you may as well throw a coin up into the air and say "heads or tails" if you make a decision. Learn all you can before you make your decision. Get some support on your side. You will be mentally and emotionally trashed by the alcoholic who will tell all sorts of believable lies about you to anyone who will listen. He is not living in reality right now.
When i first started alanon it was strongly suggested
To wait 6 months to a year before making any major
Decisions unless there was abuse. I am today very
Glad for that wisdom. I started working on me and
Started Getting stronger emotionally, spiritually
And mentally.
It took Me a long time to just get it and to start to
change And grow. This disease beats you down in
Ways you can not see but certainly feel.
So today i am stronger and more grounded because
Of working this program but i am now divorced. I
Have been able to deal with the fallout and problems
Much better than i could have before.
Hello and welcome. You are in the right place by coming here. I too encourage you to check out AlAnon meetings in person.
It was in meetings I learned another person's opinion of me is their business, not mine. I have seen inlays relieved to have the "responsibility" (for the adult addict or alcoholic) taken on by the spouse or companion. In any event, your life and your choices are your business.
It was by regularly attending meetings, listening to the wisdom of others in similar situations and working the steps I came to know deep within the direction I wanted to go.
Hi therinoa and Welcome. Just throwing in my 2 cents. Ditto to what everyone else has said. Get yourself immersed in your own recovery so that when you make the decision you will be confident and centered. Some split, some don't. Just make sure you are making the right decision for you and that you can minimize second-guessing. I'm still married to and living with my A, but that may change. Our last child leaves the nest in 3 years and 3 months. I have no idea what I'll feel then. I can only live for today. Al-Anon informs me, keeps me aware and gives me clarity in my understanding of what the disease does to her, and to me. I have been slowly detaching from my in-laws, and at times feel angry that they don't know the truth of the situation, but ultimately, it doesn't matter one bit. Then I think, "if we do split, then they'll know who the problem is!", well, maybe, maybe not. She has made me the "bad guy" for 20 years (a role I finally took on, which is why I'm here). Ultimately, you will have to live with how you feel about yourself. Don't worry about anyone else right now. Hope you can find a way - Al-Anon members have lots of experience to share.
Let me add my 2 cents to this subject. I also have been dealing with an alcoholic husband but for 25 yrs. I have endured all his antics[ jail,duis,crazy behavior,rehab done as an obligation to others,court aa classes even domestic violence] I was so determined to leave but didnt have enough money or access to my pension $[he has to sign off] etc i explored all my options and now because i still live here with him,all my money is almost gone paying mortgage and bills since he frittered some of his money away and had to pay associated court costs,etc for his actions etc.... thank my higher power and my face to face and online alanon, i have my sanity and some self esteem left.
do everything u can to take care of yourself[we non alcoholics have a disease ourselves]
Welcome therinoa. Your question is a difficult one to answer. Staying or going is such an individualized choice. Working Alanon, I could never advise either way. Who am I to suggest or advise a time if there is one at all for another person to end their marriage. As others have posted and I agree alcoholism is progressive if it's untreated. With that said, people do also get sober. I often contemplated leaving my now exah. I thought it would be the catalyst for getting him to seek help. I wasn't in Alanon and really didn't know anything about an alcoholics compulsion to use.
Through the grace of my higher power, I was introduced to Alanon when I visited my husband in rehab. I went home, I found meetings, I grew and he left me. Initially, I was devastated. I cried a lot in meetings and couldn't understand why this happened. I kept asking the god of my understanding why this was happening when I went to the meetings and did the work. Well... obviously, it take two to make a marriage. I've learned through this program that alcoholics/addicts who want to continue to use don't much appreciate the word NO from family members who previously told them YES. I refused to enable him. Because of the personal progress I'd made in Alanon, I could no longer be a part of such a sick dynamic with my husband. This is when he turned to his mother with whom he already had a symbiotic relationship. She was thrilled and continues to love him to death until this day.
When he filed for divorce I felt abandoned by him and by the god of my understanding. But by continuing to attend Alanon and finding a loving sponsor I learned to turn my finger inward and ask myself who had really abandoned me. I had been denying myself so many gifts life has to offer. I had thought I have a sick husband and I should be understanding and not selfish. The problem was, I had a skewed sense of responsibility for another human being and wasn't offering nearly as much love to myself.
If you choose to attend Alanon and work the steps you'll may make discoveries about yourself and your marriage when working the 4th step - a searching and fearless inventory. From my experience, this was a real eye opener and life changer.
Thanks for sharing. Hope you choose to keep coming back for recovery with us. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It's true that no one can tell you when it's "time" to leave. You simply have to trust your gut, and when you've been in a difficult relationship for many years, sometimes that little voice is hard to hear.
Love is never misplaced or wasted; it is a healing force. Unfortunately, it can't always transform and heal the situations or people we would like it to. It sounds like you have been through a lot. It's natural to be concerned about what his family will think or feel. But guess what: I'm sure they know quite well what his behaviors are. At this point, you love him but you are enabling him. You are one person who can show this individual that there are severe consequences to their actions, and that might mean that you remove yourself from the arena where you have been taking a big old emotional beating. You're not helping him in any way by letting him drag you under the waves along with him.
Please don't blame yourself. No one is responsible for this man's actions but him. Your pain in being unable to relieve his pain is natural. But you have to take care of yourself first, or you won't be able to help anyone else. No amount of "giving him more time" is going to make a difference. Save yourself. You're worth it.
