The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all! My wife and I recently found out her father was a phantom alcoholic from her mother. This all came about after he had fallen after driving to a store and needed to seek hospital treatment which uncovered a super high BAC. My MIL has been to al anon meetings but the advice she took from it was that he needs to hit his bottom before recovery can start (which I agree with) but the part I was amiss about is that she was to do nothing to intervene or encourage recovery. She took this as do nothing and allow him to carry on with his typical day to day activities. Now I know that the way he hides his drinking is by drinking while driving. I found booze in his car and he had been drinking when he drove to the store. She won't take his license or touch the cars because she insists he has rights and should be treated like anyone else with a disease. I also agree he should be treated with dignity as it is a disease but I do believe his rights stop at the point when they put people at grave danger (ive lost friends to drunk drivers so I have more behind it than most). I suggested we add ignition interlocks voluntarily but that was shot down by my MIL. So folks I need to know if her approach is truely the correct one or if she misinterpreted something along the way.
What is right for her might not be for you. It is not always wise for a woman to try and take keys or a license or to play cop with a possibly beligerent drunk. It is not her job to police him. I could see calling the police if you know someone is out drunk driving, but in actuality, I know police won't respond to that like you'd think they should. So yeah....she is mostly right. It's not her job to be his recovery coach/counselor. My guess is she already tried pleading with him to stop and it did nothing.
Yea she has pleaded with him to stop and or not drive but he does it anyways. From everything I've seen from being around them is that she wears the pants in that family and ultimately calls the shots. Hes not belligerent by any means and is highly functioning to the point that you wouldn't notice if he was sober or not. I tower over the guy physically and have no issue calling those shots or enforcing them if shes not comfortable. I do know there is no way I can be complicit in the death of someone when I know I can help prevent it. I don't care if he wants to drink himself into an early grave as long as its not on the road.
Hi backcountry. Welcome to MIP! Glad you are here. I'm sorry you are having to deal with such a perplexing problem. I've seen it kicked around here a bit, and it's quite a conundrum.
As I'm sure you are aware the 3 C's of Al-Anon are "I didn't Cause it. I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it" which goes a long way to explain the advice your MIL receives at the meetings. Al-Anon provides tools, methods, and support that those of us who have this disease in our lives need to restore and maintain sanity, serenity and hope for ourselves. I would recommend you attend some face to face meetings with your MIL if you haven't already.
In general, trying to control an alcoholic's behavior is like trying to twist a tornado into spinning in the opposite direction. Clearly, the results are disastrous for the person trying to control the tornado, and most often, the tornado only spins harder and faster on its chosen course. Many of us end up here as a result of having expended most of our resources - spiritual, mental, sometimes physical, and most certainly emotional, by taking on that very task.
So, in my opinion only, and the only feedback I might give you in light of the above, is that the only person who's behavior is your responsibility, the only person who's behavior you can control, and the only person you can, in reality, protect, is you. So, at any given moment and in any given situation with his drinking and driving, you will make the most effective decision based on that truth.
What I mean to say, is that if any of us see a drunken person attempting to get behind the wheel of a car, I like to think that out of a sense of caring and community, we would choose to take whatever action we deemed necessary to protect ourselves and others. It's dangerous, potentially lethal, and undoubtedly against the law.
But when you are not there, you certainly cannot control the tornado by remote, and if you take on the emotional and psychological burden of that responsibility, you will end up in the land of Oz - most likely with a house on top of you.
Ok that all makes sense. Here is my issue... She can control what she does to prevent him from getting behind the wheel. She has known he has been drinking regularly through the day yet she allows him to get behind the wheel and run any number of "errands" throughout the day (which also afford him the ability to get more booze). She had interpreted it that she was to do nothing about his driving since that was his personal rights and wait for him to kill himself or someone.
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and are seeking support/clarification. Al-Anon does teach members to take care of themselves and stay on our side of the street. As we work the program, we tend to detach with love and set healthy boundaries. I have 2 ASons, and since I had paid for and provided their vehicles (earlier), my boundary regarding driving was that if they could not pass a pee test, they were not driving. I did not want them to drive under the influence - period....the end.
Of course, they are now adults and no longer live with me, so I have no say/control over what they do. I am reasonably confident that they don't drink/use & drive as one has no license (still active) and the other has a baby/fiance and recovery.
We are also taught to stay in the moment, or one day at a time. One of my favorite slogans is when in doubt, don't. These are just a few tools that help me not project into the future or dwell on the past. I am sorry for the pain and anxiety this is causing you all. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive disease. It can never be cured, but recovery is always an option. Those affected have to choose recovery, rarely will one stay sober based on the pleas of another.
Consider joining your MIL for a meeting - it's a great place to share, learn and get Experience, Strength & Hope (ESH) from others who live with or are affected by the disease. There are also 2 online meetings here @ MIP - check the top left for the schedule and the link to the meeting room.
Glad you are here - sorry about the circumstances that brought you here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello backcountry you have received many excellent responses and I simply wanted to add my welcome to the the MIP a forum.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. As has been noted we didn't cause it, we can't control it and can't cure it.
If you are concerned about this person driving, you could speak to them or call the police when you know they're out on the road.
The principles of Al-Anon. remind us that there is a Power greater than ourselves at work in the universe ,and that since we are not all-powerful, the best we can do is to keep the focus on our own acts and actions and pray for guidance. This guidance is different for each of us, so that is why we do not give advice.
I suggest you try some Al-Anon meetings and keep coming back.
What other than cost would be the issue with adding ignition interlocks to their jointly used vehicles? Would that not keep him from driving them under the influence even when people aren't there to directly monitor him?
Welcome backcountry. It sounds simple enough, sure. Alcoholism is baffling and cunning though. I didn't like the part of your post where you said you tower over the guy, nor can I say I'm very impressed by your assessment of his intelligence. Alanon is the program for the affected, part of being affected is the need to control and enforce ones will on situations beleiving we are an almighty power over alcoholics. Having said that, I get that you're concerned about him driving drunk. I second the idea of calling the police if you are so concerned. Yes you could put a lock on the ignition. Personally though I see that as you overstepping a boundary, maybe its the approach. Basically I hear you saying, fil your an idiot and I know what needs to be done here like it or not. We check our motives in alanon. We ask ourselves honestly what we want to acheive and why....whats in it for me? Not saying ignition locks a bad idea, but is there someway you can approach them in a way that maintains respect and dignity? Take what you want and leave the rest, i wish you luck.
First I Want to Say I know & Understand Frustration, but I Promise regardless of Who Wears the Pants... He will Do What He's Going to Do Regardless of What someone allows or don't... Thats the Disease... I Know.. I Lived it for many Many Years, Risking my Life and the Lives of Those Around Me..(I too Have Lost Friends to Drunking Drivers but to Me It Couldn't Happen to ME! Thats How Sick it can Make you) I Got a DWI back in 98 but that didn't stop me from Drinking, and Being Stupid... I didn't Quit Drinking till 2010, because even with all my Faults I Didn't see it as A Problem... Just Everyone Else did...
Al-Anon Teachs us How to Keep Our Sanity whether the Alcoholic is still Drinking or Not, and tho I Agree that She should Not Send Him Anywhere when she Knows he is Drinking, its Really No Ones Call but hers... Would I Personally Say to her "Well If you Don't ask him to Go Out when He's drinking that Could Help" ... Sure Why Not... But Just don't Expect it to Change...
As for the Interlocks, Yea you Could Try that, but honestly He will Find a way around it, and Sadly you can get on the Net and figure out how too... I know because My AStep Son has done managed to Figure it out, And tho he isn't the Sharpest Tool in the Shed Somedays... If they Want to Do it... THEY WILL...
Al-anon and the Books in this Program is Very Informational, A Good one is "Getting them Sober" and the Big Book From AA All good books that can Explain the some of the in's and Outs behind this Disease.. And May Help you Understand Not Just How the "Alcoholic" May Act, but Also the Enabler.... Its a Family Disease she has been Living with I'm sure for a while, and alot of what she does she does without even thinking its Wrong... So I'm grateful to hear she is Going to Al-Anon, because they can Help her Get out of Her Own Way, at least thats what they did for ME :)
Good Luck and i Hope you Keep Coming Back... and Yes, If you Can Check out a Meeting at a Face to Face Meeting or Even Here Like Suggested.... All Good things...
Here is my issue... She can...she does...She has...she allows...She had interpreted...that she was...
This is a good example of why I'm here. I wanted to learn how not to do that. I lost myself entirely in "she them they" until there was no "me" left. It may sound impossible, but it's a very slippery slope. I don't want them to get hurt or to hurt anyone else either, and I don't even know them. But unless I'm standing there, and he is unarguably intoxicated and attempting to get behind the wheel of a car and drive on our streets, I have as much chance of having a positive effect from here as you do from where you are. I am powerless over the alcohol that he drinks, but I'm not going to let his disease spread to me.
I will say that sober driving is a licensed driver's privilege, not a right, and we have laws, police, juries and judges that all work together to determine to whom that privilege is extended. It is clear that drunk driving is NO one's privilege, much less a right. Detaching from my A's choices and actions allows me to be responsible only for what I choose to do, however, if I think she is impaired, I will intervene in that single, present moment in the most objective way possible because I feel it's my duty as a responsible person. No lecture. No anger. No plans for "the next time", no deals, no promises. The same as I would tell a store manager if I clearly saw someone shoplifting. But I'm not store security and I'm not assigned to my A as her personal breathalyzer enforcer, although I sometimes make that choice. And if I'm not there and the worst happens, the headline will not read "almostThere caused a drunk driving fatality because he failed at his job of policing his A". I will not throw away my peace and happiness by accepting a thankless and impossible-to-succeed-in job for which I never applied.
Al-Anon, face to face meetings and this board are what are helping me break free. Don't let the house land on you, (and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain).
Wishing you the best.
-- Edited by almostThere on Thursday 25th of June 2015 06:56:21 PM
"Detaching from my A's choices and actions allows me to be responsible only for what I choose to do, however, if I think she is impaired, I will intervene in that single, present moment in the most objective way possible because I feel it's my duty as a responsible person. No lecture. No anger. No plans for "the next time", no deals, no promises. The same as I would tell a store manager if I clearly saw someone shoplifting. But I'm not store security and I'm not assigned to my A as her personal breathalyzer enforcer, although I sometimes make that choice. And if I'm not there and the worst happens, the headline will not read "almostThere caused a drunk driving fatality because he failed at his job of policing his A". I will not throw away my peace and happiness by accepting a thankless and impossible-to-succeed-in job for which I never applied."
I guess this is where I would differ from you. When I was working as a bouncer I stopped more than one person from driving home intoxicated by either forcibly removing them from their vehicle or dispatching their keys. If I didn't intervene and I could have and they killed someone that blood would be on my hands as well. I would also add that this isn't my first run in with addition. My uncle just passed from an OD on heroin, my sister recently kicked her heroin addiction and is now working as a councilor. The thought that kills me is that I could never just accept that a loved ones addiction is out of my control and I should focus on myself and my role in their disease. I have gone to hell and back and then back again to help my family and I know that when my uncle passed ultimately I did everything that I could do within my means to help him. Anything less would have left me with nothing but regrets. I know this may be extremely contrary to the teachings here but im just telling it my way.
Being a bouncer is being in a position of direct control in a time-limited way. What I hear you describing, Backcountry, is trying to control your wife's mother to control her husband. That is indirect and ongoing. If you were in her spot, you'd probably have different ways of relating and a different dynamic. But she is where she is and in the dynamic she's in. I'm afraid that trying to control other people in that ongoing sense is just as futile and frustrating as trying to control an alcoholic. I think if you want to try to control the alcoholic, you'll have to do it directly, rather than through her. Our Three C's say that you can't control the alcoholic, but I'm certain most of us have tried multiple times. It's worth a try just to see if you can find a way. If it turns out that you can't control him, it's certainly frustrating, infuriating, and sad. That's why many of us have come to Al-Anon. I'm sorry you're faced with dealing with this situation, and I hope you'll keep coming back.
Aloha Backcountry welcome to the board...great post...great reach out. Keep coming back with a wide open mind and learn more. One thing I want to mention from my own awareness is that driving is a privilege and not a right...you have to earn it and pass the requirement part of which says "Don't Drink and Drive"..."Don't drive Drunk". Your Father in Law already know this so he is violating his own awareness and mind set. That tells us how powerful, cunning, and baffling alcoholism is. You can set boundaries with him that are enforceable with courage and integrity. The integrity part is discussing what you know and what you will do when he violates your agreement. If he drinks and drives you will have him stopped and arrested and have his privilege ended...you will call the police and get him in front of a judge....you might want to keep everything in the open between the family and the people of the neighborhood (this one is powerful) by putting a warning on the bumpers of both cars that the driver might be drunk. That might make your mother in law edgy but not as edgy if he takes someone else's life and that family takes everything your in laws own. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical...when you drink you are disabled...when you are disabled you are still responsible for what you do with your car. This one takes courage....the courage to change the things we can.
By the way I once had my wife taken off the highway because she was drunk. She didn't know only the arresting highway patrolman got that message. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Backcountry - I don't have any specific answers here, I just wanted to say that I see a lot of love in your post.
You sound to me like a person who is a good protector, caring and ultimately after seeing the devastation drunk driving can cause you want to do your best to make sure that anguish never happens again.
All of these qualities are admirable.
I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to go to a couple of meetings with your MIL - if for no other reason but the fact that you've experienced the loss of your friends at the hands of those who drink and drive?
Either way - I'm glad you're here and your willing to look at this situation with eyes open, and support your MIL along the way.
Not to make light of your situation at all Backcountry, but I think of the story of country music legend George Jones. His wife then was Tammy Wynette and she took his keys and did every other thing she could think of to keep him from driving to the bar (or to get more alcohol). He ended up taking off for town on the riding lawn mower. This is a baffling and cunning disease...don't let anyone tell you different. And we cannot control it. That I do know for sure.
Good luck Backcountry. I would also recommend you may want to visit an Al-Anon meeting with your MIL sometime. They made all the difference for me.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I think you pretty much get it. You know what you want to do, which
involves controlling the situation to a degree. You see how this contradicts
some of the Al-Anon teachings. You will choose which way you want to go.
Personally, I believe over the long-term trying to control the alcoholic or
doing whatever to prevent him from endangering the lives of others
(i.e. trying to control others) will burn you out and/or cause you significant
psychological stress/grief. Setting stringent boundaries in the short-term
may cause significant psychological stress/grief as well but allow the
possibility for ultimate happiness rather than being held prisoner to the
situation for years and decades.
I would recommend trying to get to a f2f meeting and maybe spending
some time meditating (or praying) on it. I hope that can help bring you
some serenity.
I think that you can't know what their reality is when you are not there.
I tried removing my A's keys once when he was drunk and he began smashing my belongings and threatening me until I gave them back. Yet many people including his very own family members believed he was " a sweet gentle guy" and that "I wore the pants". He was a very different person when we were alone. I had zero ability to control him when he was drunk and it was dangerous for me to try. And yes even when roaring drunk he was meek and mild in the company of others; someone very different once they left.
When I imagine if we had gotten an interlocking device I imagine him harrassing me to blow in it for him. And then probably demanding that I go driving with him in case he needed to start the car again. I could not have tolerated the additional stress of having that argument for hours every night. I can well understand that this lady might not want to take on an extra policing job because it is not conducive to her own recovery.
I think all you can really ask yourself is what can and should YOU do to alleviate your concerns and for me that would be al-anon or pehaps intervening if you see him driving drunk yourself.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Welcome, Backcountry. My heart goes out to you as I read of your experience; I can relate to the feelings of great concern and frustration over another's drinking.
I was directed to AlAnon when I had reached the point of exhaustion and failure after trying to stop my qualifier on my own, using every strategy, technique, and trick I could think of. AlAnon made sense to me because I had tried everything else and not only were my attempts ineffective, but I had myself become unhealthily consumed with trying to control someone else.
In AlAnon, I found no doctrinal "wrong" or "right" way to deal with the alcoholic. Instead, there were principles of guidance that I discovered by attending meetings and reading program material daily, and meditating on the new perspectives I was learning. I was not given advice from other members on what I "should" or "shouldn't" do because my circumstances, state of mind, and strength within the program were unique to me.
Each of us has to decide what we want and/or should do when dealing with someone who drinks alcohol. No individual or member of a fellowship in AlAnon can tell you what you should do in this situation. We do, however, try to share the AlAnon principles that helped us when we faced similar dilemmas. We share these because they worked for us when nothing else did.
If what you hear from AlAnon does not set well with the personal code that you live by, if you feel there is a different course you must follow, I am the last person on earth to tell you that what you are doing or want to do is wrong. I will simply wish for you strength and hope as you determine what works best for you.
I'm so glad you are here, I hope you continue coming back and thinking about the principals and concepts that you find here, in AlAnon meetings and literature. I hope you find peace...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Please forgive me for saying this but It seems to me that you are a bit of a control freak. I understand your concern. I have to live with a similar concern daily and once, when my husband was completely hammered and got in his car and screeched off I did call the police because they had already been out to our house twice that night for domestic disturbance. The first time I think my son had called 911. The second time My husband had called the cops on me when I refused to leave the room he was in. The 1st time the cops came they quickly saw who was causing the problem and told him to stay away from me for the rest of the night and left. he decided that meant he could order me out of whatever room he wanted to be in. When the cops came back they made him leave and he went next door and said he was going to spend the night there but just waited for them to leave and then got in his car and left. I was just mad enough to have him arrested for DUI and let the chips fall where they may so I called 911 but he didn't get caught. The way I see it, if I see him get in the car and I know he is intoxicated I can call the police. I can even try to keep him from driving but that has never worked very well. When my Husband was screaming at me threatening to commit suicide last month I told my son to call 911. They came, took him to the psych ward for observation and he had to spend the night and most of the next day and then they let him go. I refused to pick him up. He's back on the condition that he not drink but so far tho he is trying, he has still been sneaking beers.
my 911 call did result in my husband getting a wake up call. He did not like being in the psych ward. However, he did not get any real help like I had hoped because he refused treatment. On top of that he has received a bill for $3200.00 for the paramedics and ambulance ride. If we received a bill from the hospital he has hidden it from me. ( he refuses to get insurance that would cover any of this .) These are the very real consequences of calling the police on your spouse. You can't expect her to do that. You need to let her work her program her own way. As you can't control the person who's drinking, you can't control her recovery either.
The catharsis of the call to 911 WAS however for my A to finally at least accept that I refuse to tolerate the daily 12 pack any longer and the actions that go with it and if he wants to live here he can't be drinking. The bottom line is that what I am learning is that I am powerless to control his behavior and that it is futile to try.
-- Edited by JukuVee on Friday 26th of June 2015 01:35:02 PM
-- Edited by JukuVee on Friday 26th of June 2015 01:37:45 PM
Hi backcountry,
Another thing to look at is insurance risk. I'm sure the car title/insurance is in your FIL's name, although your MIL would be named in a lawsuit if he did kill someone. So she is directly financially responsible if he gets sued. They always go for the deepest pockets. That would leave your wife as the one who has to help her mother and father when they are bankrupt.
On the other hand, I could have been your MIL when my hubby was drinking and driving. He was seen in society as a responsible functioning man. He was not known as an alcoholic. He got caught for a DUI when he was at the local greenhouse buying some tomato plants on a Thursday afternoon. He had been drinking all morning, took a nap for a few hours and then went out shopping. He BAC was 2.4 even though he hadn't had a drink in a couple hours. I could never get him to stop drinking and driving. He did what he wanted. After many years of that I just let him do what he wanted. The fight was out of me. I kept my distance. After the DUI it was pointed out to me that I had a huge financial risk with him. I didn't think of it at the time.
I feel sorry for your MIL. I'm sure her life is miserable and the fight is out of her. Your deal is with your FIL. Deal directly with him if you have to face anyone. Don't let him put her between you and him. He is the problem.
Please forgive me for saying this but It seems to me that you are a bit of a control freak. I understand your concern. I have to live with a similar concern daily and once, when my husband was completely hammered and got in his car and screeched off I did call the police because they had already been out to our house twice that night for domestic disturbance. The first time I think my son had called 911. The second time My husband had called the cops on me when I refused to leave the room he was in. The 1st time the cops came they quickly saw who was causing the problem and told him to stay away from me for the rest of the night and left. he decided that meant he could order me out of whatever room he wanted to be in. When the cops came back they made him leave and he went next door and said he was going to spend the night there but just waited for them to leave and then got in his car and left. I was just mad enough to have him arrested for DUI and let the chips fall where they may so I called 911 but he didn't get caught. The way I see it, if I see him get in the car and I know he is intoxicated I can call the police. I can even try to keep him from driving but that has never worked very well. When my Husband was screaming at me threatening to commit suicide last month I told my son to call 911. They came, took him to the psych ward for observation and he had to spend the night and most of the next day and then they let him go. I refused to pick him up. He's back on the condition that he not drink but so far tho he is trying, he has still been sneaking beers.
my 911 call did result in my husband getting a wake up call. He did not like being in the psych ward. However, he did not get any real help like I had hoped because he refused treatment. On top of that he has received a bill for $3200.00 for the paramedics and ambulance ride. If we received a bill from the hospital he has hidden it from me. ( he refuses to get insurance that would cover any of this .) These are the very real consequences of calling the police on your spouse. You can't expect her to do that. You need to let her work her program her own way. As you can't control the person who's drinking, you can't control her recovery either.
The catharsis of the call to 911 WAS however for my A to finally at least accept that I refuse to tolerate the daily 12 pack any longer and the actions that go with it and if he wants to live here he can't be drinking. The bottom line is that what I am learning is that I am powerless to control his behavior and that it is futile to try.
-- Edited by JukuVee on Friday 26th of June 2015 01:35:02 PM
-- Edited by JukuVee on Friday 26th of June 2015 01:37:45 PM
I only care to control one facet of his life and that is his ability to kill or injure innocent people. If he wants to drink himself to an early grave so be it as long as its not on the road.
I have the feeling you are only looking for people to disagree with you, so that you can argue your point of view. That's not really what we are here for although it can be easy to become drawn into. I'm going to resist the urge.
But hey, you seem to be embracing the slogan "take what you like and leave the rest" so that's something!!
Best wishes to you; I hope you find what you are seeking.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I just went back and re read your original post. If you haven't taken the opportunity, perhaps you may gain some knowledge from the AlAnon group attendance. I do not mean this in a negative way at all, but am simply suggesting that perhaps the information you "heard" was slightly different than how it was intended.
This is a human issue and not direct at anyone in particular, but we can all be listening to the same conversation and each person will interpret the words slightly different. This can be due to a number of factors, but the result are the same. We do much better in general when we hear information directly than when it is third party.
It seemed as if there was a great deal of "blame" on the non-drinker in your post and that concerns me. We are responsible for our own actions and only our own actions. We can neither change nor control another person's thoughts or behaviors, nor should we try to...because we will fail. I tried to do just that for over 20 years and all it did was create an insane environment.
Screaming "don't drive" at the top of my lungs did absolutely nothing except make me feel stupid later and make me emotionally spent. When my AH got his DUI, I was honestly relieved. Don't get me wrong, the consequences were rough..and still are to be honest. I was relieved though, because he had finally been caught and was held accountable for his own actions. He had to deal with this himself and that was the only thing that got his attention.
The spouse of this man is not responsible for his actions any more than you are. You can try to do whatever you feel will help the situation, but please don't lay anymore blame on the non-drinker. There is sometimes a straw that breaks the camel's back so to say. I would never want to be that straw.
Please forgive me for saying this but It seems to me that you are a bit of a control freak. I understand your concern. I have to live with a similar concern daily and once, when my husband was completely hammered and got in his car and screeched off I did call the police because they had already been out to our house twice that night for domestic disturbance. The first time I think my son had called 911. The second time My husband had called the cops on me when I refused to leave the room he was in. The 1st time the cops came they quickly saw who was causing the problem and told him to stay away from me for the rest of the night and left. he decided that meant he could order me out of whatever room he wanted to be in. When the cops came back they made him leave and he went next door and said he was going to spend the night there but just waited for them to leave and then got in his car and left. I was just mad enough to have him arrested for DUI and let the chips fall where they may so I called 911 but he didn't get caught. The way I see it, if I see him get in the car and I know he is intoxicated I can call the police. I can even try to keep him from driving but that has never worked very well. When my Husband was screaming at me threatening to commit suicide last month I told my son to call 911. They came, took him to the psych ward for observation and he had to spend the night and most of the next day and then they let him go. I refused to pick him up. He's back on the condition that he not drink but so far tho he is trying, he has still been sneaking beers.
my 911 call did result in my husband getting a wake up call. He did not like being in the psych ward. However, he did not get any real help like I had hoped because he refused treatment. On top of that he has received a bill for $3200.00 for the paramedics and ambulance ride. If we received a bill from the hospital he has hidden it from me. ( he refuses to get insurance that would cover any of this .) These are the very real consequences of calling the police on your spouse. You can't expect her to do that. You need to let her work her program her own way. As you can't control the person who's drinking, you can't control her recovery either.
The catharsis of the call to 911 WAS however for my A to finally at least accept that I refuse to tolerate the daily 12 pack any longer and the actions that go with it and if he wants to live here he can't be drinking. The bottom line is that what I am learning is that I am powerless to control his behavior and that it is futile to try.
-- Edited by JukuVee on Friday 26th of June 2015 01:35:02 PM
-- Edited by JukuVee on Friday 26th of June 2015 01:37:45 PM
I only care to control one facet of his life and that is his ability to kill or injure innocent people. If he wants to drink himself to an early grave so be it as long as its not on the road.
Sadly, you can't even control that. You are powerless. Let it go and leave your poor mil alone about it. She has enough on her plate. You asked for feedback. it's sort of rude to argue with the feedback you asked for.
One thing you said stuck out to me "when I know I can help prevent it". In Al Anon you learn you actually have no control over another persons drinking or actions taken when drunk. You may be able to say something to him or take away his keys when you are at their house but you can not police your father-in-law 24 hours a day. Also, if he is so good with hiding when he is drunk vs. sober, what makes you think you can determine when to take his keys away or try and prevent him from driving.
This disease is very cunning. It is very hard to stand by and watch them hit rock bottom but unfortunately that is really what you have to do. Sad but true. Hopefully this hospital stay is a wake up call for your father-in-law. Stay strong and it might be a good idea for you and your wife to attend a few meetings.
After reading through all these posts I will say I do like how Jerry approaches the problem. Just know that you will be unable to police your father-in-law 24 hours a day. Can you ask your mother-in-law why she can't do some of the errands, thus decreasing his time in the car? He will want to drive regardless, especially if that is where he is drinking but at least it will decrease the amount of trips he is making.
