The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I served my husband with divorce papers last week. Each and every step of the divorce process has surprised me that instead of relief, I actually feel sadder. I have been married for nearly 2 years. I love my husband very much. I think he loves me too, however I believe he has a drinking problem. I knew my husband 2 years before we got married. I'd describe our dating relationship as fun, adventurous, flirtatious, but also confusing and aloof. My husband acknowledged having an alcohol problem in his early 20's that led to criminal issues. (He's now 41 and I'm 37). He drank very little most of the time while we dated. However, he hid lots of his life from me while dating-- so there could have been more. He would get busy and not want to see me for several days. Twice, he suggested moving in together and backed out of it. He scared me a couple times drinking a lot and insisting on driving. I ignored these things as nobody is perfect and married him anyway, and things just got worse once we were married. Family and social stuff was always really stressful for me because he preferred not being around big groups of people. Either he would drink a lot or he wouldn't drink at all. If he drank a lot, my fear was that other people would know he had a problem and judge us. And, because I only saw it a few times I had no idea what he would do. He passed out cold in our hotel room at 7:30 pm at our wedding reception. I actually was relieved, because I realized shortly after it started that he was very, very drunk. I was scared he would do something crazy or just totally embarrass me. When he wouldn't drink at all, he would be grumpy. He'd barely talk to anyone and insist we leave early. He'd complain the whole way home about me making him go somewhere with people. He had a back injury that led to him being off work for over 6 months. There were money issues, but we did okay at first. After several months, he stopped talking to me about what he was doing. I found out through our checking account he was drinking 3-4 times a week with money we didn't have. I took over all the bills and just got over my head. I left and I filed for divorce 4 months later. He sent me some emails this weekend saying that if I would have been more patient, our marriage could have worked. This has been such a hard process, because despite everything, I still feel like I'm in love with him. I believe he probably also loves me. Yesterday, I went to the bar that he spends most nights drinking at. I waited outside and texted him. It took him over an hour to come out to talk to me. He essentially told me that he chose to drink, he doesn't believe it's a problem, he wasn't going to change, and he didn't want to be with someone who created drama out of nothing. I just am so angry and sad. I feel almost crazy because I now know that my husband is definitely an alcoholic, but I still want him. I want to be married to the man who he can be when he's not drinking or acting like a dry drunk. I know I'm fantasizing and that the Al-Anon meetings are probably a good idea. I'm just wondering if any other men or women have been through this. Am I ever going to feel happy again? Will I be able to stop loving him? How can I get better so I can have a normal loving relationship with someone. I really appreciate it.
Al-Anon does give us a program and tools to recover from loving and/or living with an alcoholic. Recovery in our program gives us back our power, self-worth, self-esteem and self-love. The end result is peace, serenity and happiness.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive disease. It will take good people and turn them into someone that is unknown to us. It affects every aspect of a person - physical, emotional, mental & spiritual. It also is considered a family disease so many around the affected also become sick in a similar but different way.
The 3 basic concepts - the 3 Cs helped me almost immediately - We did not cause it, We can not control it and We can not cure it. We learn how to grown, survive and thrive in spite of what they are doing or not doing.
Your courage to join us is awesome. Face-to-Face (F2F) meetings are awesome - check out local ones in your area. MIP has 2 meetings also every day - the schedule is at the top of the page, on the left side.
One day at a time, you can recover! So sorry for your pain and super glad you are here!
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I came back to AlAnon 8 months ago after my AW was arrested for her 3rd OWI, this one with children in the car including our 9 year old daughter. The night of her arrest I had decided I was going to divorce her, fight for custody and placement, and all that goes with that. I was encouraged by several veterans of AlAnon to avoid making any major decisions for at least 6 months and focus on my own recovery during that time, giving myself a chance to heal from the effects of the disease, and allowing my AW the dignity of being able to make her own choices and decisions, rather than attempting to control them myself as I had for years before that. 8 months later I am extremely grateful for that guidance. My AW is now 8 months sober, working her own recovery, and we are still married. This is not to say that all in our marriage is perfect ... far from it. I don't know if a year from if we will still be married, but I spend little time thinking about it. I have learned to take it a day at a time, and have faith that what I need to know will be revealed to me when I need to know it. All I know is that I'm where I should be today. II shudder to think how chaotic my life would be today had I followed those initial instincts which were rooted in anger, resentment. It's hard for me to imagine that I would have had the opportunity to heal as I have been able to if there had been divorce and custody proceedings going on at the same time I was trying to find my own recovery. No one told me I should or should not divorce my wife ... it would be inappropriate for anyone to have done that. Rather, they encouraged me to make sure I was in a healthy place emotionally before I made that kind of enormous decision.
Prayers for you and your husband, that you may each find recovery, and the serenity and happiness that comes with it. Keep coming back!
Welcome Bluewater and yes face to face
Alanon meetings are a great start to your
Recovery journey. The meetings are for and
About your healing.
Great share dave that is the way it is suppose
To work when you work it!
My marriage did not go that Way but it takes
two willing people not one. Recovery for both
Is a lot of hard soul searching work. I for one
Am glad of my recovery.
I'm sorry you are struggling Bluewater. I know this feeling well. I just went through my divorce to my XAH but I was so far past the pain and had lost my loving feelings towards him. His alcoholism was the demise of our marriage. I suggest Al Anon because it truly did save my life and gave me the peace and serenity I needed to wrap my brain around WHY I had to leave. It wasn't about love, it was about saving myself from going down with a sinking ship. My XAH was the anchor wrapped around my waist and until I learned how to un chain myself from him, I was being dragged down to the bottom of the abyss with him. I stayed married to him for 3 years after he got his Super Extreme DUI and went to jail and then continued to drink after proclaiming he had hit his bottom.
Finding your emotional healthy self is what is most important. The pain you feel is temporary, we've all been there or are currently there with you. Please know you are not alone and, if you get a chance, please do check out Al Anon meetings. I had a therapist, too, for 3 years who helped me greatly so that may be something you could use, as well. HUGS to you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Welcome Bluewater, so very glad you had the courage to reach out and share what you are going through. AlAnon is a group of individuals who share the desire to ease the pain we experience from our dealings with those who drink alcohol. Many here know too well the fear, anxiety and pain that you describe from our own experiences as we tried on our own to help those we care about.
The circumstances of each case are different, as are the individuals involved, and therefore so are the outcomes. We can't know how things will work out in the future because their are too many unknown factors. The biggest of these is often ourselves, even though it is the only factor that we have control over.
I came to AlAnon emotionally exhausted and asking myself questions similar to those you expressed above. I realized soon after my first few meetings and readings in the daily readers (One Day at A Time, Courage to Change, Hope for Today), however, that I had become so worried, anxious, and at times angry at my qualifier that I had completely lost myself.
I had given away so much of myself incrementally that I had come to equate my happiness on whether the behavior of someone else matched what I thought it should be. I had lost sight of healthy boundaries for myself as I became obsessed with my attempt to restore someone else's.
With exposure to daily reminders of healthy perspectives in AlAnon, I was able to reduce the fear and anxiety I was carrying. I identified what I truly needed in my life to be happy, and set complimentary boundaries that allowed me to avoid unhealthy (for me) situations that could rob of of it. AlAnon guided me to tools that helped me restore the balance and perspective to make healthy decisions where before I had only questions.
Only you will know the answers to some of the questions that you asked, but yes, you can be happy again...You deserve to be, and AlAnon is a healthy place to learn how to get there. Please, keep coming back, give consideration to the tools that have helped me and so many others find a better way...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you for your responses, I appreciate knowing other people have been through what I'm going through. I'm going to my first face to face meeting tonight.
Fantastic. Meetings will help immeasurably.
From my own experience, during the divorce process things were super-painful because I was focused on my ex husband and it was hard not to be. Once the process was over it really did start to ease and feel better.
Let us know how the meeting goes!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Way to go - I hope your meeting is lovely!!! If not, try again or another group. I can honestly say that I've NEVER left a meeting feeling worse than when I went in. My hope for you is you have that same experience.
Keep us posted!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
a question to those who are divorced or obtainig a divorce recently. How did u do it? did you have good jobs or savings? did someone else help u? was there places u could afford available?
i live in the most expensive state , CA..the rentals just went up 400 on an average from a month ago. even then with little money and no job, i couldnt leave and divorce AH. i have been in alanon ovr a year[face to face,online,working program] AH is getting worse and im nearly broke with huge debt
how do i leave and save myself!!!!!!!
Yarncrazy, I had no job, no savings and a 12 year old child. I stayed with a neighbour for a while; myself, my child, our dog and cat all in one bed in one room. It was horrible, but it was still better than living in fear and misery in a home I shared with my A. Then we had to stay with my mother and that was horrible too but still better than living in fear and misery...and now we live in a very cheap and substandard house in a really dodgy neighbourhood and it's a struggle but guess what? It's still better than living in fear and misery. When you're ready, you'll find a way to leave and even if it isn't perfect, it'll be better.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Yarncrazy, Section 8 and/or disability income wont get you much, but it may be enough to have your own place away from the A. I am also not sure what your disability is, but the other option would be to somehow work through it and get a job. Declare bankruptcy. You don't have to be hostage to anyone.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 30th of June 2015 07:20:20 AM
I'm also living with my parents in one room with my dog and belongings in storage. And, I've had to hire a lawyer because my AH wouldn't agree to the divorce papers I wrote up online (free at my county website). I'm paying for a truck I co-signed for him because he stopped making payments on it. I've spent 20,000 in the last year on his bills and covering up for HIM. I have never been so broke in my life. Something that's really hard for me is that my parents are so angry at my almost ex. They seem really stressed and concerned and it makes me think I need to find another place to stay because I don't want to hurt them. I really can't afford to move until the divorce is finalized. I know some might say I'm lucky to not have kids, but I have always wanted to be a mom. Hopefully, I will get a chance to someday. I thought about divorcing my husband last year, but I gave him another chance and things just got so much worse. I guess, my advice to Yarn Crazy might be if you wait a year- will you be like me and have $20,000 in debt of covering his bills and driving without a license tickets?? If you still don't know where to go or what to do, have you told everyone in your life who cares about you what's going on? I've really learned I don't have anything to be ashamed of. My poverty and pain came from a place of love, even if it was very, very misguided.
I did live with my parents at one time to regroup also. I think yarncrazy is a bit older and without that option but nothing is impossible in terms of moving forward in life and finding some solutions.
