The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(((Mirandac))) - breathe, breathe and breathe again. Soon you won't have to see or deal with them unless you want to. You are free so just focus on you and your recovery.
There is no shame EVER in taking care of yourself. If others see it differently, that's there right. You are living your truth and working your program.
Huge hugs and prayers for peace!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't think alcoholism even needs to be part of saying he treated you like crap and then committed adultery. I am not sure how it changes much. You don't need to be "right" about his alcoholism miranda. Alanon has made you a better person regardless. His actions speak for themself. His mother will always side with him and from your prior posts, I gather she's done this forever.
PS...my ex MIL would be the LAST person I'd want to have words with after a divorce. For some reason it strikes me as even more grating than dealing with the ex. I truly feel for you and think it's amazing you were as composed as it sounds.
My MIL is someone you do not tangle with.
I have massive ill feelings toward her and
Her part in all this mess. Her nose has been
deep in it.
No good would come out of confronting her.
It is my ex that is accountable for his actions.
I feel his alcoholism has progressed and he
Is not the same man anymore.
There is a rotten Streak that runs on his
mothers side which is kicking in too.
We kept my MIL out of our marriage for
18 years for good reason. When he could not
Cope with life he went running to momma for
Support. He turned against me blaming me
For his unhappiness. It was not his poor coping
Skills or emotional immaturity or being a dry
Drunk.
Sorry to go on. I am at the end of my tolerance
With my ex and his merry band of women. They
All think they are shining examples of goodness
And light!
I can so feel you Mirandic and just hope you hang in there. My ex's mother and sister are the same. They live in denial instead of in principles. I just look at them and can see and feel fear. I just keep turning them over to God. I understand that children make mistakes and it is hard as a parent to know what to do, however denial will keep the whole family sick. I had to end all contact with them to protect my own values because they want to shame/guilt me out of my boundaries.
Their new family motto is "Everybody makes mistakes" ..... I agree with that however not everyone uses it as a way to shift accountability. They have shown me the behaviour now I just need to protect and take care of me.
I hope you are able to have a good day. It is tough working through all the emotions and I think you are doing great. I did good when I validated myself and stopped looking for validation from them.
Thank you for the share Mirandac! I've learned that having a rational discussion with insane people is frustrating and useless. Their mind is set in stone and they will defend that until the bitteIt turns and triggers our on insanity. I had to learn that the hard way- trial and error and working with my Sponsor. I try to keep my discussions with my X to a minimum. I still have kids, so I can't do the no contact. You did very well not reacting to her. That's inspirational for me and shows The Principles and Program work. Hang in there and hope the internal flame has simmered.
Miranda...you're doing good...growing. You remind me of when the only response I would have to "family" frustrations attempting to weigh me down was resentments and animosity and other negative reactions which made the weight even more unbearable (my part) and how I begged the program for help. The help I got was unconditional love and acceptance of "them" and not taking the bait or invitation to attend the fight. They are sick also and remain that way by choice which is hugely sad...how could I not treat that with compassion and empathy. That is how I do it today...understanding, compassion and empathy, prayer and meditations. Keep coming back...you're doing good. ((((hugs)))))
Thank you everyone! I appreciate the support.
My mil still defines the family's reality so it is
Still sick. She does not want her children to
Really Get emotionally healthy, they might go
against her reality esoecially about alcoholism.
Yesterday the divorce came out in the local paper
A client told me. It would have been thirty years
This coming monday. Xah can now bring out the
new gf legally.
I am in a much better mood today. Rage is not
A fun or good thing to have. Thus too will pass.
Thanks again this has been a tough journey
When i truly loved my ah. I thought he could
Work out his problems.
Sometimes i think people that recognize it is
Not working and end it earlier than later are
the smarter ones :)
> Sometimes i think people that recognize it is > Not working and end it earlier than later are > the smarter ones :)
Personally, I certainly don't feel smart right now about divorcing her after less than three years. I'm optimistic that I will end up considering myself luckier than had I stuck around for a lot longer, though.
Either way, I get the impression from reading posts here that whether done sooner or later, the grief and anguish is significant!
Mark
-- Edited by Mark17 on Thursday 25th of June 2015 04:15:23 PM
Its Like there are two schools of thought in
marriage the Ones that hang in there and
the ones that Say thats not working anymore
Lets end it.
I was the hang in there one. I wish i had just
Recognized this wont work and he is acting like
A nasty man. Get out! I kept hoping for the best.
That was my sickness or disease talking not healthy
Rational thinking on my part at all. It did not get
Better only much worse. The nastiness only increased
And he showed no remorse.
I was certainly was not diminishing your grief. I
Struggle with mine daily.
