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My husband has been sober for about two weeks now. This is the longest he's gone without drinking in at least 20 years. He's seeing a substance abuse counselor individually 1x per week and is attending group counseling three evenings per week. He has not started AA yet, but it's his recovery and I'm doing pretty well at remembering that these last two weeks. I've gone to a couple of f2f Al-Anon meetings and it has been very helpful. One lady in my group in particular has been awesome, reassuring me that some of the odd things my husband says and does right now are to be expected.
He's trying, he's really trying. I think he's actually enjoying going to his group counseling. I love my husband and I am very proud of him. I'll do my best to be supportive and work on myself, too.
So, I'm proud and glad he's quit drinking. I just have so many other emotions I was not anticipating. I know that this is just the beginning and things tend to get way more complicated once the alcoholic is in recovery. I just didn't expect to feel so may things all at once. For the first time ever, I feel like some of my emotions are not really appropriate to the situation. For example, I still feel so angry with him sometimes. I'm expected to be patient and supportive right now, but when I decided to have bariatric surgery for better health, I got told how selfish I was being. When I quit smoking, he'd light up right in front of me constantly and would smoke in our house in spite of my explaining to him that the smell of smoke at the time made me really want a cigarette. These things don't make me want to crack open a beer in front of him out of spite or anything. I still want to be supportive and encouraging and I try to always keep in mind that alcoholism is a disease. I'm just wondering if I'm ever going to get some support when something is important to me? Will that kind of empathy develop after he's been in recovery for awhile or is he set in his double-standard ways? Does that make any sense?
Now, when I catch him giving me a funny look or rolling his eyes at me, I just want to burst in to tears. What's that all about? I'm not normally so thin-skinned. Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive when I'm interacting with my husband because I know this is a sensitive time for him right now. I guess I'll just try to work through these unpleasant emotions with my therapist and at meetings. Also, the significant others of the people in my husband's group are meeting up tonight for counseling and I will go and bring it up there, too.
Did anybody else have these kind of feelings after their A started recovery? If so, how did you deal and did the negative emotions subside after awhile?
24 hours at a time. What did you do to take care of yourself today? Keep the focus on you. What do you need to do regardless of his drinking or not? How do you best honor yourself? How can you Iimprove your spirituality so your needs are not so dependent on a sick person? Keep expectations for him low. He's really just in treatment...not recovery (but that is just my super pro-AA slant so take it for what it's worth...admittedly biased).
You're so right on so many levels, Pinkchip. Treatment is a way more accurate description of my husband's situation. Recovery implies he's already been through the treatment process and is in maintainence. I hadn't given my wording much thought, but I'll try to keep what you said in mind. Is going to work considered something I did for me today? If not, I'm stumped! I need to work on that.
As far as spirituality goes, it's kind of tough. I'm not a big fan of organized religion in general and I try to feel connected to a higher power, but it's difficult. I oftentimes feel like I'm just talking to myself when I pray and I feel guilty for taking up God's time. I mean he's got some serious stuff to worry about, like genocide and natural disasters. I know it's silly and I should know that the higher power is never too busy for anyone. It's just a hang up.
My happiness really doesn't hang on my husband's support. I got that surgery and quit smoking without the support and I am proud of myself and feel secure in the knowledge that I did what was right for me. I'm just saying that every now and then, it would be nice if my significant other would offer up a little support when I could use it. I don't need constant praise or reassurance from him. An occassional "that's a great idea" or "you can do it" would suffice.
But most importantly, you're right about one day at a time. I really need to work on keeping my thoughts in the present. Right now, if I think too much about where we'll be at even in the near future, it's going to drive me nuts. Thanks for the reminder!
I wish some of the alanon tools were not necessary sometimes. It is normal and right to have some expectations in a marriage. I just know that when one person is an alcoholic, those expectations turn to resentments quick. It stinks.
Spirituality - Well, I think the idea is to shore up some sort of faith in a power greater than you so that you can let go of things that you can't control and "turn it over" as we say. I'm really not to big into organized religion either.
Congrats for your husband's efforts on sobriety and thanks for your sharing. I am with pinkchip on keeping things as simple as possible - one day or one moment at a time. Nothing he did or you did from the past can be changed and nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, so stay in this moment and enjoy it.
This sounds so simple, yet is hard to practice. It does get easier over time. Be true to yourself - it took me a long while to be able to be comfortable and say what I needed. I am typically an upbeat, positive person in recovery and it's obvious when I am not. I had to love myself enough to be able to be honest, and share what was my truth. So, now when I am having an off day, I will say, "I am sad today or I am tired today or ..." It's not my job to be happy and sunshine for anybody but me, no matter if they are sober 1 day or sober 10 years.
In my program, only when I work on me and be true to me do I truly feel a spiritual connection. By doing simple things each day with my program in mind (walk, pray, readings, meditate, etc.) do I feel peace and serenity. I love that you want to encourage and support your husband, just make sure you put you and your needs first - it will all be as it is supposed to be!
We love you here and will support you! Just keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Congrats on your husbands recovery and your own. I too have these feelings. My husband is 2 weeks sober as well and I find myself dealing with anger every now and again. He went to the hospital to detox two weeks ago when he tried to detox at home for two days. It was a very scary situation as he got very sick trying to detox on his own and it really freaked both of us out. I am still dealing with a lot of emotions of being scared, pissed that his disease got to this point, disappointed that i was pissed off and just sad for him as I have never seen him so down and out and crying. I get where you are at with this. At times I am so elated that he is doing well but then I start to doubt that this will work this time and at this point we really need to rebuild the trust that has been lost. I think going to meetings and your therapist will be great with discussing all of these feelings. I actually have a therapist appointment on Friday and I am looking forward to discussing all of this with her. Good luck and it seems like things are really looking up for you and your husband.
Welp... I Don't have an AH in Recovery or Therapy or any of that However...What I have Along the Lines of ESH is that I Am an "A" in Al-anon and I Got Sober RIGHT HERE :) And I Can tell you that "Expecting" Anything from your AH currently is only setting you up for disappointment, Resentments, and the List goes on.. :/ What I Try to Remind myself at times is.... It Took Me 35yrs to get this Screwed up... I'm not going to be able to Change it all just because I got Sober... It was Not Easy for me, I am Surrounded by an Entire Family of Alcoholics that thought I was the Devil for Getting Sober, Like I Broke and Oath.... or Something...
It Took me 2 yrs of Al-Anon to realize I was Def. an A... And it has taken going on 5 yrs to Mend the Fences I have Burned down or other wise Harmed (In My Mind) but I'm Sure there are some out there Thinking I was this or that and did this or that, and welp I very Well May have HOWEVER...I'm Done Looking BACK... I Want to Move Forward... All I Can do Is stay in this very Moment, One day at a time, and Try to have Compassion for those I see Struggling...
I Can't Speak for you or your Husband but I Can tell you, If YOU Work your Program, and Keep Going to those Meetings, and coming Here, You will see that even after all the Bumps in the Road, You will find yourself having Wonderful Bursts of LIGHT & LOVE slowly start coming back in to your heart where you didn't know they could... Yes Your AH is sick and Has a Disease, However, His Disease is Family Wide... and when we turn the focus back on ourselves, and we start reaching out to those that have Walked this Walk as well, We slowly Realize We are Not alone, which brings us peace we may not be use too... and we Learn that We are Human and also makes mistakes regardless of how we Perceive our A's... They are Human as well...
I Now have Several Family members that are Trying Sobriety with out a Program, or Counseling, and I Truly hope they stay with it, but I have learned that For ME I Need the Helping Hand of others that have Walked this Path before me for Guidance and Support, and I Just have to say... There is SO MUCH Love & Guidance RIGHT HERE :) So You are For Sure in the Right Place :) and we are Very happy to have ya and Walk this Journey with you... :)
My Words of Wisdom I Guess would be... Take Care Of You... Give yourself Time to Heal... Don't try to Figure it all out at Once, you too have been apart of this disease even if its not yours... So Be Gentle on Yourself... and Most Importantly... KEEP COMING BACK :)
PS... Congrats on the Surgery and Non Smoking... I don't know much about the surgery, but I Do know I Gave up Smokes myself 15 yrs ago, and Alcohol 4+yrs so I know the Courage, and Strength it takes to do such a Thing... So WAY TO TAKE CARE OF YOU :) I would Celebrate with a Nice Bubble bath, or a Girls Night out, or what ever Brings JOY to you... Cause you are WORTH IT :)
Please take what you like and leave the Rest :)
Friends in Recovery
Just to add one more thing, your husband may have not been able to show much support in the past because he was so consumed with alcohol. I know that when my husband was drinking a lot the only thing that mattered was where he was going to get his next drink and he was extremely self-centered. I have noticed in the past few weeks that he is now noticing more the things that I do on a daily basis and makes sure to verbalize that he appreciates them. It has honestly been a breath of fresh air and has helped alleviate some of my resentment.
... I'm expected to be patient and supportive right now, but when I decided to have bariatric surgery for better health, I got told how selfish I was being. When I quit smoking, he'd light up right in front of me constantly and would smoke in our house in spite of my explaining to him that the smell of smoke at the time made me really want a cigarette. These things don't make me want to crack open a beer in front of him out of spite or anything. I still want to be supportive and encouraging and I try to always keep in mind that alcoholism is a disease. I'm just wondering if I'm ever going to get some support when something is important to me? Will that kind of empathy develop after he's been in recovery for awhile or is he set in his double-standard ways? Does that make any sense?
Now, when I catch him giving me a funny look or rolling his eyes at me, I just want to burst in to tears. What's that all about? I'm not normally so thin-skinned. Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive when I'm interacting with my husband because I know this is a sensitive time for him right now. I guess I'll just try to work through these unpleasant emotions with my therapist and at meetings. Also, the significant others of the people in my husband's group are meeting up tonight for counseling and I will go and bring it up there, too.
Did anybody else have these kind of feelings after their A started recovery? If so, how did you deal and did the negative emotions subside after awhile?
A few thoughts ... take what you like, and leave the rest
One of the things many in AlAnon have reminded me of over the past 8 months is that Alcoholic tends to be inherently narcicisstic. As a result, they have conditioned themself as the disease progresses to see everything in terms of how it impacts them. It took her a long time to develop those traits and habits, it will take a long time to unlearn them in recovery. My AW has been in recovery for 8 months, and am just starting to see some of those tendencies starting to recede as her connection to her HP grows.
I also remember one of my AlAnon friends reminding me that expecting the Alcoholic not to do the things that Alcoholics do (like constantly focusing on themselves in this case) is much like getting mad at birds cr*pping on you when sit down under a tree. It's what birds do ... why would I expect them to do anything different? When I started thinking in those terms, it made it easier for me to detach from the behavior that bothered me. That was the Alcoholic ... not my wife ... behaving that way.
Finally, be gentle with yourself. You are in recovery too. Don't beat yourself up because you think you should be doing or feeling more of this, or less of that. When you start to feel resentment, anger, etc ... Seek out your AlAnon resources ... your sponsor, a F2F meeting, literature, or this forum.
My prayers are with you and your husband. The earliest days of recovery are a very emotional and difficult time for everyone. Take it a day at a time, and keep coming back to AlAnon!
I had those type of roller coaster feelings and still do sometimes today and my AH is at 14 months sober now. 2 weeks sober is super fresh in beginning to change for an A. My AH is working in AA, working with a counselor and has a sponsor. This is his 5th attempt and this time it is a bit different, like maybe just maybe he sees what others have and he wants it. He even chairs meetings weekly now rather than lying to me that he is at a meeting and really out using!
It has been explained to me many, many times that one thing I have to keep in mind is my AH is not emotionally mature yet. I have been told to keep expectations low from the recovery groups and from the marriage counselor not to keep expectations as low as I would with a 15 year old child, but rather that of a grown up man who needs to step up and behave that way and to understand that it does take time for the recovering addict/alcoholic to get out of self and into others.
I don't let my AH use his disease as his crutch for inappropriate or bad behavior because that is one of his "hooking" behaviors and through lots and lots of help I have learned how to communicate to him that I won't tolerate behaviors such as rolling eyes and disrespecting me. I put in place boundaries with him on what I will accept and won't accept such as holding a job and contributing to our household. If he can't do that, then don't be married. Simple choice.
I had to do as everyone here told me take care of me first and to not beat myself up for my mixed bag of emotions or thinking I had to do this program perfectly. I just had the discussion of my AH expecting the support, patience etc with my group and with our marriage counselor and that I get angry and resentful that everyone seems to preach that he can have expectations of anyone and everyone, but considers that when others have those of him it's the end of the world. It all comes down to his emotional immaturity, and I can tell you as he has grown in his recovery it is getting better, but it has taken many, many 24 hours to get to the point that we now joke about in the past year he has gone from 12 to 15 to right now today being 21...it only took him 14 months to reach the level of 21 and he's 48! I love my husband despite his insanity and disease and I have to constantly remind myself that when I am just at my wits end with the mess, my HP loves me with all my faults every day, and with his help we will make it through.
I think it's incredibly awesome you had the surgery, I know that it is a tough go and takes courage and lots of changing and I think it's incredibly awesome you are quitting smoking. I too have tried quitting with my spouse still smoking and the longest I lasted was 6 months, but I keep trying! Keep rockin' along with your stuff and be proud of your accomplishments...(((hugs)))
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I'm happy to hear your AH is now two weeks sober. Hopefully with every
passing day that will continue to increase.
I highly recommend _How Al-Anon Works_, which is the sister to AA's
"Big Book." It contains many case studies of people in Al-Anon and
what they experienced with their qualifiers, etc.
One thing that shocked me was how many married couples divorced
after the A got recovery. Just because the drinking has stopped
does not mean everything instantly becomes okay and comfortable.
When my XAW came home from inpatient rehab, she said a friend
of hers from rehab who had been multiple times said "the second
month back from rehab is a *itch." For her, things weren't fixed
one month later, either.
Some of the other posts here have given potential explanations as
to why this may be the case. I really like what Flower49 said about
the A not being emotionally mature. My XAW learned at inpatient
rehab that she was an ACoA. It was a true revelation for her.
Thanks so much for the feedback everyone! It was both needed and appreciated. I met with the group for family members for the outpatient program my husband is a part of. They got me to committ to doing one of the activities I used to enjoy but gave up in all the craziness. This Sunday, I'll be going to hit golf balls for the first time in two years. I was off yesterday, so I dropped my son of at the sitter (without feeling too guilty about it), got a pedicure, and went shopping. It was so nice!
I plan on attending that new group every week along with Al-Anon. I'm reading a book on appropriate boundaries right now. Flower49, you are right about me needing to set the boundary on not tolerating disrespectful behaviors. I had this idea that I needed to be especially sensitive right now to my husband's moods and not rock the boat. But I got reminded that I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. Nothing that I say or don't say is going to cause or prevent a relapse. The decision to drink or abstain is his and his alone. I have the feeling I'm going to have to remind myself of that a lot in the future, but that's okay. If I feel disrespected, I need to voice it. If I feel I need more help with the baby and around the house, I have to speak up. He's not exactly aware of other people's needs right now, which is understandable. I guess I'm figuring out that that doesn't mean I shouldn't let him know.
So, it looks like I've got a lot of work to do. But I think I'm going to start with being kind to myself first. I'm kind of liking that. :)
Hi Smiley,
I just want to add that my AH has had 15 years in AA. He has NEVER acknowledged any wrongdoing that he did to me or to the kids. He did say that he thought the 9th step was "kind of lame" and that the only thing that mattered was that he was better for the future. Well okay...... He did go into a cancer support group and that has made it more real to him about what the "caregivers" go through. (He did not translate that back to alcoholism.)
I always said "when is it MY turn" to have the sympathy or the empathy or the care.... I learned it is when I TAKE IT. That is when it is my turn. And I learned in AlAnon that it really didn't matter what/ when my AH did/ said about me/ to me. I have other friends. I don't count on him anymore. It is not the "traditional" marriage, but it is a typical marriage to an alcoholic.
Get to meetings and get your support from the people who understand where you are. Keep your expectations of the alcoholic very low. When your alcoholic is a few months, a few years sober his real personality will take over. Then you will know who you are dealing with. It sounds like your meeting at the outpatient program was great! You got some good advice. Take care of yourself. It is your turn when you take it.
