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Post Info TOPIC: didn't take the bait


Senior Member

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Posts: 274
Date:
didn't take the bait


Just had a typical experience with my AW.  Went to hear my son's band tonight.  AW had her wine as usual.  I had nothing as usual.  Found out that my daughter's dorm assignment for this year at school seems to be in error which could cause some problems.  I kept telling my daughter not to worry and that we would address it as soon as possible and do the best we could to straighten it out.  The AW kept stirring the pot of discontent and worry.  I kept telling my daughter NOT to worry.  replay that 10 times.

AW and I headed home without the kids.  AW went on and on about how big a problem this was and how we would have to get daughter an apartment because of this.  To keep from screaming I finally, very calmly said "Well there is nothing we can do tonight so let's just please not talk about it anymore."  After 30 seconds of silence she started with "Well you can sit over there and call me an idiot but this is a big..."  I let her finish her sentence and very calmly and matter of factly said "I didn't call you an idiot, you called yourself an idiot and you want me to own it and I simply will not.  I said that there is nothing we can do about it tonight.  It's Friday night.  It's unpleasant to get all fired up about it when we can't take any kind of action so I don't want to spend my energy that way right now.  And it's perfectly reasonable and ok for me to say that."

The rest of the ride was silence.  She's still stewing.  I'm irritated but remaining perfectly calm.  Hangin' with my HP to stay that way.

My first small victory of this type since I started last week.  I managed to keep the insanity from prodding me to escalate.

And it's because of the people on this board, al-anon and the meetings and the fact that I can come here and process it.  Thank you all!!!



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El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Great use of program tools-- almost There.
Validating yourself, keeping on topic, staying detached and drawing a healthy boundary Way to go!!!



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Veteran Member

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Posts: 76
Date:

Haha, like a raging fire. If you feed it, it will grow. But don't feed it, and it slowly chokes out.

Good job.

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Carrie



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1277
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She wanted you to join her in chaos and you declined to participate - good for you!

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France


Senior Member

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Posts: 274
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I love this place. Get to vent. Get to learn how to behave. Get to brag about it in a post. And a minutes later you get a few pats on the back. What could be better? Thanks to all. I'll take that and call it a night!

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El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1091
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Good for you! Isn't it a great feeling when we can detach and use the program tools instead of getting wrapped up in needless drama?

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

Yay for you! Incidentally, I also acted like chicken little all the time prior to getting sober and even a couple years into AA. Alcoholics have terrible frustration tolerance.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 274
Date:

Thanks! and of course, pinkchip, so did I, and I don't drink! For some of us it takes the extremism of living with an A to expose us to ourselves.

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El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.


Senior Member

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Posts: 295
Date:

From what I can gather with my AH, when he is actively drinking, (daily) he will try to get me stirred up one way or another. I think he does this because if he can get me mad or frustrated at him, then he can go and be alone with his alcohol and be, in his sick mind, justified In his behavior. I, like you, am trying so hard not to react or even give oxygen to the flame that he tries to fan...it's amazing how much more peaceful my life is. It's an easy concept but often hard for me to do all of the time. Sometimes when stressed, overly tired, or hurt by someone or somting else, those old reactionary habits sneak back BUT since starting Al Anon, I seem to be able to self-assess and be aware of what I am doing so I can become more in control of myself. I wish I would have found Al Anon years ago! Glad you did not engage and get caught up in the craziness....in the end, we are the ones who win when we don't get caught up in the A's games. So glad you are here and gaining some serenity :)

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Senior Member

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Posts: 274
Date:

Thanks Fairlee. I've heard that it is a subconscious mechanism to distract them from their inner chaos. I don't know if it's true, but it sure has distracted me from the sympathy I used to feel for her. It's so frustrating to have to defend myself against things I didn't do and didn't say. But last night was a success. Alanon keeps the reality that there is a better way to handle the situation right at the top of my awareness. I hope I can make it a habit.

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El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.
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