The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure where to begin. My husband of the last 6 years is an alcoholic. Within the last year, he has spiralled out of control. Abusing drugs, alcohol, sexually promiscious and verbally abusive to me. Last Valentine's Day eve, he went out with his buddies, promising to return around midnight. At 3am, i woke up and he was no where to be found. Tried calling, sending messages and so on as I was concerned. No luck. Left to work the next morning with no idea of his wherabouts. Received a phone call later that day apologizing that he had passed out on his buddies couch. I knew that was the first lie - he read his messages that I had sent. His phone rang later that evening, and it was the hotel he had stayed at the previous night letting him know his wallet was found. After some questions, I found out he was at the hotel with prostitutes while I was at home in our bed. Not to mention - waking up alone on Valentine's Day. I was furious and he promised this was a mistake, never to happen again. Have done some reserach and found out that prostitutes are a regular occurence. I had no idea until that night that he never returned. I didn't leave because he told me he wants help. We found help. Since I found out, things have spiralled out of control. I've helped him to get into a rehab program and he has attended a 3 residential treatment program. A week after treatment, he decided he was lonely and sad. So, he took his motorcycle out for a ride - to end up at the strip club. Where he drank, and 3 hours later I received a call that he was in the hospital, impaired, and had had an accident. His license was suspended as he was a novice driver, he was recommended to the MTO as an alcohol dependent person and they revoked his license altogether until further notice. I've had tried to help him in so many ways and I realize I am powerless. I have attended counselling appointments with him, AA meetings with him, and been as supportive as I can. I love him, I know he loves me, he is my soulmate, but I am at my breaking point now. I don't think I can stay any longer. I'm called a whore, told that I'm ruining his life, he's done with me and so on. I've never judged and understand that alcoholism is a disease. I just don't think I can endure any more emotional or mental abuse from my partner - he threatens suicide, he cries, he apologizes, then he drinks. I'm thankful that we don't have children who have to see the self-destructive of a beautiful person. Is there any hope? He wanted to go to rehab himself, he asked for help, but he doesn't seem to really want to change. My heart is broke, I love him with all of my heart and truly believe in my vow, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, but I feel so guilty for considering leaving, because my mental health is no longer well. I cry, I worry, I get angry, and I love him so dearly at the same time and feel so so very lost.
Welcome Breezy, I can certainly identify with the anxiety, fear and pain that you describe and am glad that you found us and have reached out.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease we too become severely affected and need a program of recovery of our own. Al-Anon is that program.
Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the white pages. I urge you to search out the meetings and attend. It is here that I learned new constructive tools to live by that restored my self-esteem and self-worth and enabled me to find a path that was right for me.
Hi Breezy, and welcome.
It sounds like you have endured a great deal to try to stand by your husband and received a lot of pain and betrayal in return.
It also sounds as though your marriage is geared very much towards both of you trying to manage his moods and behaviours and "helping him" without much energy being directed towards you or your needs.
So I'd venture to say that you are in the right place and would benefit very much from attending al-anon as Betty suggested.
You ask "is there any hope" and the answer is yes, tonnes of it, for you, if you choose it. As to whether there is any hope for your husband, well, that is between he and his HP. Some alcoholics recover and many don't. And I don't think that recovery often occurs because of the endless patience, love and support of a spouse, as sad as that might be. In fact the endless patience, love, forgiveness and "help" we give often just cushions them from ever needing to face the consequences of their own behaviour and find themselves in enough pain to seek something more. Meanwhile many of us suffer needlessly and without result because we are so sure if we just love them enough or find the right words to say or the right action to take, we can cure them.
No-one here will tell you that you should or shouldn't leave your husband, but instead to take a big chunk of that energy, love and devotion you have been giving to "helping" him and instead give it to yourself. That's what we learn to do here, and it's magical.
They do suggest in al-anon that you refrain from making major decisions for the first 6 months of the program, not because either leaving or staying is preferable but because this allows you time to develop new habits and tools to care for and protect yourself from the effects of the disease you have been suffering alongside and when you are in a better place spiritually, emotionally and practically it is so much easier to make the big decisions and carry them out with confidence and determination.
So please, stick around and do consider face to face al-anon meetings. There is hope and a great deal more if you want it!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I juat went through this with my "soulmate." I really, honestly believed -- as much as I believed the earth went around the sun -- that she was the only person on earth for me, that we were destined to be together, and that we had shared many past lives together. We are no longer together as of recently and here's what I have come to: I was as much responsible for the patterns that became entrenched as my alcoholic wife, that alcoholics are extremely good at knowing what you desperately need to hear (they can push both "good" and "bad" buttons to manipulate your feelings), and that a soulmate doesn't call you a b!tch, a c?nt, a whxre, or say any of the other number of things that tear your soul to shreds.
I so deeply sympathize with your pain. I sure can't tell you what to do. I'm just offering my experience. I hope for all of us who do want to find our "soulmate" that we finally will -- and it will be when our souls are healthy and whole, and attract the same thing. XO
Sending hugs...
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
So very sorry for your pain and distress - as mentioned above, you are not alone.
As Betty suggests, this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It tends to suck the nice out of those afflicted and those around them too become sick.
Alanon is a great program filled with folks who have walked the path before you. If there are not face to face meetings in your area, there are meetings here 2 times a day (see top left). It is at the meetings that I learned how to live instead of survive and to love myself and find peace in spite of what was going on around me.
(((hugs))) to you and so glad you found us. Breathe, read and consider the program - it will help you find hope and happiness again if you work it.
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Breezy. I just started this week and the comments above are representative of the open arms and sympathetic ears that here for you in the program. I've been to only 2 face to face meetings and I'm struggling at the moment because I cannot attend the meeting tonight. Please come back. There is hope.
