The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a friend who has been sober for several years but has never sought treatment. He quit drinking on his own but is still very much grappling with many emotional issues, which he is in denial about. He is in a band with me, and the other member and I are finally ready to tell him we don't want him in the band anymore. My bandmate can't stand his childish attitude and laziness, and I can't take his short temper, inability to accept criticism, and attitude of denial. Whenever I confront him about issues, he turns them back on me. He refuses to ever say he is sorry.
I didn't even know about the term "dry drunk" until a week ago when a friend mentioned it, and it describes him perfectly. I just thought it was his personality, but now I know it's probably his untreated alcoholism. He has been a good friend to me in other ways and I don't think he's at risk to start drinking again, but I just can't play music with him anymore. I wish he would get treatment to deal with some of the emotional issues that made him start drinking that he has never dealt with so he can have a chance at a healthy relationship for a change. Should I try to start a treatment conversation with him? I feel like he's going to act like I'm crazy and deny that he needs help or has any problems because he doesn't drink anymore. Should I just gently make an excuse why we have to get a replacement for him and let him seek help when he's ready? (Unfortunately, he'd probably believe any lame excuse I give him as long as it allows him to save face--that's how in denial he is about his life and relationships with other people.) Thanks for your help.
We can't recommend anything for your friend, as our focus here is on our own recovery relative to the disease of alcohol.
Alanon is focused on recovery for those who are family or friends of those afflicted with the disease. It works by providing tools to cope with the disease and the person(s).
In your case, it sounds as if you want help for 'him'. If he isn't willing or doesn't think he has any issues, there's not anything you can do (for him).
Maybe others will have more to offer - I'm drawing blanks but am glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I understand what Iamhere is saying, and I have, appropriately, tried to use "I' statements and avoid telling people what they should do. I do, however, think it was brave for you to write. Certainly if you read posts here and hang around you will probably learn a lot that will help you in ways other than rescuing your friend. There are other options, too -- I don't know how people feel about interventions, in general -- that's where a group of people get a mediator or someone qualified in substance abuse issues and confront the alcoholic all at once, usually suggesting treatment and having consequences they are ready to follow through with. (sorry if I overstepped a line here -- feel free, people here, to let me know).
I lived with a dry drunk for the last few years and it is just as challenging, and for me -- if not more so -- than living with a practicing alcoholic. My dad, too, was a dry drunk who came from generational alcoholism and while he quit drinking never dealt with the problems that caused his alcoholism in the first place. So I know what you are talking about and you're not alone.
I wish you luck. Sending hugs.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Dry drunks are in my opinion more difficult to live with than an actively drinking alcoholic. Mat least the drinking one will pass out and leave you alone eventually. And.... Actively drinking allows us to see a reason for the insanity vs not knowing what the problem is. It for me is just like the verbal abuse vs physical abuse. Until there is a bruise it is hard to define.
