The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm realizing I've never been taught how to deal with anger. We weren't really allowed to be angry growing up, as my father had the corner market on that. Our job was to ensure we never ever did anything to provoke anger, and when it occurs it was my job to defuse it.
So here I am a kick in the pants from 40 and just realizing I do in fact have anger. I have a sneak up on you all at once kind of anger that I don't even realize is bubbling under the surface. This leads to ruminating thoughts and ultimately a blow up. I have a slow simmering kind of chronic anger / outlook on certain topics and people. This leaves me wound up tight and rigid.
I would like to experience and process healthy anger rather than the flavor I am experiencing now.
I look forward to any ESH or tools anyone has to offer.
I was taught to rationalize anger away as a child. I also didn't have the right to feel anger, as I was the older sister.
I found that Aikido initially helped me channel my feelings and distinguish between anger that was mine and anger that belonged to someone else, so could be deflected.
In terms of my own anger and getting over my tendency to deny my right to feeling it, I have found meditation and journaling to be very helpful. It helps me to work through identifying why, exactly, I am angry and then I can put it into an "I can do something about this" (wife left her laundry all over my bathroom floor) or an "I cannot do something about this" (wife went drinking, car cut me off, etc.) category. If I cannot do something about it, at least I have expressed my anger to myself and figured out why I am angry. If I CAN do something about it, I can decide what I want to do about it.
I think the major challenge for me is to acknowledge that I am feeling some sort of negative emotion and give myself permission to feel it. That lets me deal with it. Otherwise, I tend to stifle and let it fester. Then, it just explodes out at odd and unexpected moments.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
This Al-Anon journey is certainly a powerful experience. When I kept the focus on myself, I discovered that I changed my sadness and fear into anger because anger was easier for me to express then sadness or fear.
Meetings, sharing with the sponsor, making Al-Anon phone calls all taught me how to all my feelings whether it was sadness or fear, share them with another. I talking things over and reasoning things out. I could then see my part in a situation and what actions, I could do to fix it or change it.
This was a powerful experience when it came to my real anger as well. I could own I was angry, look for my part in the situation, share about it and then ask HP to lift it, that works for me.
As far as my ancient anger and resentment, I needed to work the fourth through the 11th step in order to free myself from that.
Journaling helps me also...when I am really about to explode, leaving and driving very fast with the music very loud helps me feel better...might not be the best idea in most places though (I live in a very densely populated area) and probably isn't the most mature outlet...
I feel like I missed the class in "not reacting, not letting your anger get the best of you" when I was a kid. I feel like at 40 I'm finally having my "ah-ha" moments. I try to impart what I am learning now into my teenage kids :)
I am more likely to 'show' anger than any other emotion and it's not always pretty...
I tend to 'feel' it coming, as you describe - a physical response to an event, a person, a statement, etc.
I only had two modes - angry and sleeping....I had to learn to look at the anger and determine what it really is/was. I found often that I reacted with anger when I was actually sad, scared, surprised, disappointed, etc.
I too am a journal person. I tend to write often and pound out what I am feeling without giving it thought during....almost like brainstorming with myself. Once I 'breathe' again, and read it, I can better see if there is any rationality to it (I can often magnify small things into big deals) and what actions I can/should take.
I do take many feelings to my sponsor to do a sanity check. This and speaking with others in the program is very helpful when I am processing emotions of any kind.
I am also a walker/walk the dog/remove myself so I don't over-react kind of gal. When I feel 'it' coming, I tend to make every effort to find some quiet time to process before I react in a way that I regret later...
Good luck - great topic - thanks for the post!
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I find that I tend to depersonalize my anger. I think there are legitimate and unhealthy things about this habit. For example, I would like to feel angry simply for myself without feeling guilty. On the other hand I get angry that the dysfunction that is the "primordial sea" of so many negative feelings in our culture is systemic -- reaching all of us far and wide. So I will get mad about the unhealthiness of our culture, which causes us (in the collective sense) to be diseased, less compassionate about other living things, self-centered in general, etc. I don't think there is anything terrible about that in small doses, but I think I do it too much and specifically when I have legitimate reasons to be mad just for me.
Especially because I have had to be a "strong" person just to survive (common here I suspect) and I confuse that strength with a responsibility not to get mad -- maybe I worry about turning into my dad.
Personally I find martial arts a very good venue for learning about anger and channeling "life energy" in more healthy ways. The discipline, facing of the self, mastery over one's body and mind...after 17 years in it I am still learning big lessons!
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I deal with anger through exercise. I can really motor when I'm pissed off! Once I've got all those great endorphins going I can take a look at why I'm so ripped.
I had a similar upbringing, with the angry Father to be feared and tiptoed around. As an adult I learned that (1) lots of vigorous exercise diffuses my anger, (2) Al Anon helped me zero in on whether I was hungry/angry/lonely/tired/hormonal, and (3) having a good rant to myself in a journal that nobody else will ever see reveals just where the anger is, exactly. It's good that you have recognized your anger. That's a great first step to not letting it either rule your life or rot you from the inside out.
I have gotten so i love good healthy anger. It is very freeing to
Feel it and express it. Let it pass thru you. I write here, email
Friends from divorce care, talk on the phone. I keep reaching
out to get it Out. Rage is a killer and i need to keep that emotion
at Bay if i can. I am struggling with divorce anger that can Spin
into rage Real easy. I have forgiven xah but rage still returns.
I grew up in a very similar household where I kept feelings (particularly anger) bottled up. I have also found that I still tend to do this and then I get to the point where I literally see red and explode. For me this is a work in progress but like Irish I try and exercise daily which helps eleviate stress/anger and I have also tried to communicate my feelings more. This is still very hard for me but I wasn't communicating anything so my anger/resentment just kept building and building. I have also found that seeing a therapist at least once or twice a month has also helped me get some of this anger out.
I had the same experience as a child. My dad(alcoholic) couldn't handle us having any kind of emotion other than happy. If we cried or were angry, we were a burden and needed to shut up. As for my own anger, I have found that compassion towards what I am angry about and journaling about my feelings helps me sort through things and get to the bottom of it. Honestly, program has helped me see that I actually wasn't always angry: sometimes the anger was an underlying emotion such as fear of abandonment, fear of hurting someone else and having them not like me anymore, sadness because someone disappointed me and I didn't express that properly, frustration with myself for being a doormat, etc.
So, that's where the steps, especially step 4 really helped me. As others have mentioned, I did work with a therapist for about 3 years and that really helped me with my anger issues and resentments.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
