The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been struggling recently with the fact that today is my wife's last day of intensive outpatient therapy and that she is still drinking. I managed to get my hopes up and believe her when she said she wanted to be sober for treatment this time. Well...
Yesterday I left work around 10 am as planned to pick up a friend from the hospital. (She is doing some sort of outpatient therapy, and has to be released to an adult. She doesn't have family close by, so I said that I would be happy to pick her up as my schedule allows on treatment days, and that I can drop her at her place, at a coffee shop, or she can sit with me in my office. Whichever she prefers.) Parked my car after dropping her off, and forgot my cell phone in my car. (Unusual for me) Wife emailed that I didn't need to pick up the CSA, as she was going to go to an AA meeting with co-dependent drinking buddy, and they were going to get the CSA. When I got back to the car several hours later, I saw that I had missed a bunch of texts and calls from my wife and hospital friend who was supposed to be at home resting. Turns out friend drove herself an hour to my house, where she and wife decided to get drunk after drinking buddy left. I shrugged, and continued on to my second job. Wife called hysterical because one of the dogs pooped in his crate. OK. Well, an hour away and about to start a four hour shift, not much I can do about that. Hospital friend cleaned it up. Went to the second job, put phone away. When I got off work four hours later, saw that I had missed EVEN MORE calls and texts from wife and friend. Friend texted about how drunk wife was, and that she was afraid to leave her home alone. Wife left voicemails that I couldn't understand the point of, or even most of the words. I continued on with my day, arriving at the farm to pick up our CSA shortly before 9 pm, because I just assumed that there had been no picking up of CSA boxes. I was right.
And, for the first time I didn't feel upset or angry in my core. I have been able to not display anger about wife's drinking in the past, and have been able to talk myself out of being angry because I cannot control the situation anyway, but this is the first time I felt, just, nothing. And, I am thanking HP for helping me to forget my phone, so I wasn't bothered all day with the drunk texts and calls, and was able to keep myself removed and detached from a situation that I had no control over or responsibility for. (Not knowing about it helped!)
This morning I was still not upset or angry, and just let my wife know that I have a new boundary. Well, a couple. First, she is not to sort laundry on my bathroom floor and then leave it there in piles so I cannot get around the room. (She thought that I could just move it and wash it for her, and was surprised to hear that since the laundry was hers, that she had worn it, and that she had sorted it on the floor, that she was going to have to take care of it.) Second, in future, none of the money that I earn is to be spent on alcohol. Up until now, I have given her $100 a month for whatever she wants, coffee, dining out, CD's, etc. In my attempt to not be upset about her spending, I decided as long as I knew I was giving her a certain amount of money, she could do whatever she wants with it and that would help me NOT be angry or upset by her (in my opinion) frivolous spending. Something clicked for me this morning, as I was thinking about my crazy Wednesday schedule, and the fact that, three months after her accident, she still has not updated her resume or started to look for work. She still isn't doing her own laundry or helping take care of the cleaning and yard work. She is not going to find a job unless she feels a need to look for one, and I am enabling her to NOT take on the adult responsibility of working and earning money (or doing her own laundry, etc.) by providing everything that she needs as well as the spending money that she wants. So, I had some great success in saying what I meant, in meaning what I said, AND for the first time!!!! not saying it with anger or resentment.
Now, I cannot control what wife does with money, and I have no intent to monitor that. However, the money that she spends needs to be money that she earns, and I can make sure that she isn't spending money I earn by not giving her access to any of it. I am really starting to understand that our relationship is not a 50/50 partnership. I have known that for a long time, but I am now starting to really understand it. This makes it so much easier to take the steps I need to take in order to be true to myself and my recovery. Looking at my day yesterday, when I got up at 4:45 am with the dogs and went to bed finally at 11 pm, and my wife had not managed to wash the dishes I left soaking in a sink of soapy water in the morning or complete one load of her own laundry, it was staggeringly clear to me that our partnership is not an equal give-and-take. We are not supporting each other, and we are not working together toward common goals. And, I think, I owe it to both of us to stop acting as if we were.
Which, by the way, I am also NOT angry or upset about! I can actually see and state the reality of the situation without being angry or resentful! What a freeing feeling! I didn't cause this disease, I cannot cure it, and I am not responsible for it. One of the members here pointed out once that my wife had decided that she was going to drink, and then asked me what I was going to do. Yesterday, I decided that I was going to continue on with my day as planned, and not let myself be pulled into whatever drama my wife had going on.
My CSA, by the way, included rhubarb and asparagus. I am looking forward to making an asparagus quiche and rhubarb preserves tonight!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Skorpi, thanks for the share.. This part so oh so familiar..
However, the money that she spends needs to be money that she earns, and I can make sure that she isn't spending money I earn by not giving her access to any of it. I am really starting to understand that our relationship is not a 50/50 partnership. I have known that for a long time, but I am now starting to really understand it. This makes it so much easier to take the steps I need to take in order to be true to myself and my recovery. Looking at my day yesterday, when I got up at 4:45 am with the dogs and went to bed finally at 11 pm, and my wife had not managed to wash the dishes I left soaking in a sink of soapy water in the morning or complete one load of her own laundry, it was staggeringly clear to me that our partnership is not an equal give-and-take. We are not supporting each other, and we are not working together toward common goals. And, I think, I owe it to both of us to stop acting as if we were.
I think I'll do the same thing about the money issue. One week I counted 16 bottles of wine purchased and the house was a disaster.. Some days I feel so bad for her but others I just want to scream.. It's taken me 7 years to realize that I can't count on her for any income so now I'm trying to minimize expenses but it's going to take some time.. Some day it'll be where I truly don't need her and that will also be a sad day.
TX,
I, too am a SLOW learner. Eight years for me to figure this out, lol. I became an expert at minimizing expenses, and it doesn't mater when the money I save somehow magically turns into vodka or beer.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Great share Skorpi i love how you did not react but processed with an open mind and made a healthy decision that was reasoned out and not punishing. Good work. I hope you enjoy your quiche .
Awesome about the new boundaries. I'm glad that anger/resentment did not get the best of you and you handled this with calm and clarity. Hopefully she will get the clue that she needs to start contributing and not just existing.
-- Edited by Fairlee on Thursday 28th of May 2015 03:34:59 PM
I enjoyed reading your post and what a great share.....love seeing the success of the program in action and what a great job managing your day and your side of the street.
I do believe that our HP helps us and leads us when we are open and receptive. I have to have 'space in my head' to hear the messages, and when I am worried or reacting to my A's, that space is filled with things I have no control over nor can do anything about.
Thank you for a reflective honest share about how you took care of your business and set new boundaries with love and respect.
Make it a great day and keep on doing what you are doing - it seems to be working!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yay for you!!
I found that when I ceased financial enabling it was as if chains fell from my wrists instantly. It was the first simple, practical boundary I could make and enforce and wow it felt good. I first extended it to any and all luxuries such as cigarettes, alcohol, my nice coffee, etc. When he continued to not work or make any effort whatsoever I extended it to everything else ie find a way to feed yourself or starve because I won't fund your hedonism any more. It was scary at first as I had a very sad perception that I could only be loved if I provided selflessly. I think that's unfortunately true for a lot of us.
One of the nicest parts of the whole experience was that after a period of adjustment a lot of the resentment died!! I had more money, I spent what was surplus on whatever I wanted and didn't apologise or feel bad that he still had no smokes and I had just walked in the door with new shoes or whatever. He didn't want to work or quit gambling so he got to be poor and go without; too bad! I stopped feeling so angry towards him because he wasn't sucking up all of my resources so much and from his perspective I guess, I added insult to injury by no longer being so angry or irritable or ready to scream "fine" and throw money/car-keys/smokes/whatever he was demanding at him and go hide under my bed or whatever it was I used to do after "angrily giving in" to his expensive demands, lol.
That was one of the nicest benefits, feeling the resentment ebb away and replace itself with good solid self care. I love that you are realising that you deserve your fair share of everything, not just responsibility and stress.
Yay for you!!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Wow, I can absolutely relate to so much go this post. Like yours, my days start very early and end very late, and I am doing way more than one person can manage. I have managed to cut out some of the items and spend that time on self care things, like hiking with my beloved pup and occasionally seeing friends. I reckon that at some point I will just get fed up with it all and figure a way out. I'm not sure I'll ever have the acceptance and serenity that you are gaining...it's a beautiful thing!
