Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: New Here- Need Advice Re: husband who is relapsing


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 12
Date:
New Here- Need Advice Re: husband who is relapsing


First time posting and my last one didn't work, so I'm keeping this brief. My hubby was just sent home from his out of town job because he relapsed for the 4th time this year on crack. For his 3rd relapse, the boundary I set was that we'd separate, and this time it was that we'd separate physically as well. I want to be helpful for his recovery and I have been so stressed out this time that I'm looking for people to share their ESP and any advice would be appreciated. I am a full time stay at home Mom and we have a 6 month old daughter. I love my husband very much and he is a very good person when not relapsing. We both attend AA and work a program of recovery. I have 7 years without 3

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

You can't be helpful to a person in their recovery when they are not really helping themselves. When they are in repeated relapse mode or active using mode, the "helping" usually gets turned into enabling despite our best intentions and all of our love and caring. Also, you probably know from your own recovery what works. I didn't need a spouse to stay sober. I needed to work my program like my life depended on it. So you do what you need to. Work your program. Keep up with the Alanon. But know that his sobriety and his program are his...his recovery or lack there of...That is also his.

__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 12
Date:

Post Continued Oops sorry... ...its hard for me to understand relapse. I've been to Al Anon before and have been reading literature and reading these boards. I ask God for the right thought or action, and remind myself that I am no longer running the show. I ask Him to remove my fears and to direct my attention to what He would have me be. Detachment is difficult for me: I can be codependent. I know I need to seek help from my HP and I believe that God works through people. Thanks for helping me with my program and your support during this time.

__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 12
Date:

Thanks Pinkchip... you are completely right. I need to focus on my own recovery. I want to do the right thing for me and my daughter. I plan to keep the boundary but I am unsure whether to set a new one with him (I don't think it is all that helpful anyways) ....or what. I feel weak - that I will continue to go back to him and that this insane merry go round will go on and on.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

I feel for you. Especially having sustained recovery. I am often like "Come on! It's not rocket science! Call your sponsor! Do what you're supposed to so you wont lose it all!!!" I know what I do to maintain my recovery...but I'm not in other people's heads. What has him catching the repeated relapse bug? Dunno for sure, but thankfully we don't have it today. He clearly has some problems with step 1 in it's entirely and keeps trying to make drugs work in his life. I'm guessing he continues to have problems with honesty and thinking he can use without getting caught. That is keeping the addiction alive. Stuff we gave up on...

So yeah, I can see how frustrating it would be for you because you do have the sobriety and it would almost be like you would think you could teach or transmit it. Hard to detach...

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Welcome Misterpiko-congratulations on maintaining your own sobriety. Glad that you have found Al-Anon and have had the courage and wisdom to reach out for support. We are truly powerless over this disease of alcoholism, which as you know, is cunning, baffling and powerful.

Attending Al-Anon meetings, breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease, learning to keep the focus on myself, not reacting but responding in a constructive manner to every situation , all helped me to keep using the Al-Anon tools, placing principles above personalities, so that I could find a better way.

You are not alone and there is hope--- so please keep coming back



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

You have received some good ESH already and you already have good ESH which you have brought to MIP.   This was courage to change the things I can time when I was in similar situation early on in the program however there were so many successes around me that I felt confident I could "have what they had" and so I went for it.  The personalities and demeanors of the fellowship was so inviting that reaching out to them was like having my own gold mine to dig around in and it paid off well.  No one ever refused my request for help on any subject so I felt empowered.   I thought at times that my reaching out was evidence of being too "needy" and maybe suspect of my intentions and then I was wrong again...the program wanted another success another miracle and few would not aid me...THANK YOU GOD!!      This is courage time along with patience time and practice time.  You have found a site of very supportive members who love to see miracles come about.  Keep coming back...in support.   ((((hugs))))



__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 99
Date:

Over and over I have read one of us saying, "S/he is such a great person when s/he is not drinking. Believe me, I have struggled with that, too. I'm not sure if we see them as being "great" in contrast to when they are "not great" so that even "normal" for them seems "great." Or, perhaps, they really are more wonderful than other people when they are sober -- a kind of study in extremes. Or maybe we are so beaten down what we think of as "great" is totally skewed. Whatever it is, it seems like we use it as a reason to stay -- it's like we want so badly for them to be that version of themselves all the time that we think if we just "help" them or stick by them it will be possible for that to happen. But I don't, unfortunately, hear a lot of success stories regarding this fantasy. At least speaking from my own experience no matter how supportive I am, how loyal, how much I see the good in the alcoholic, it doesn't matter.

Sorry to be a bummer. Others may have other opinions -- just sharing my experience and going on what I've learned from people involved in Al-Anon longer than me.

Sending hugs!!!!!

__________________

Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it from without.  Buddha



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Welcome to MIP. I am also a double winner (AA & Alanon) and whenever I hear of relapse, I am reminded of "How it Works" - Chapter 5 - "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who CAN NOT or WILL NOT completely give themselves to this program."

Pull it out and read it - it talks in depth about the cunning, baffling and powerful pull of this disease on those of us who have it. I met/married another in the program and I have stayed sober - he has not. It's been a long, hard road but very possible with tons of support, a good program and a HP that I trust and rely on.

We also have 2 sons....My husband relapsed when I was pregnant with my second son - he's 21 now. I have always done whatever was necessary to protect my sobriety - and if that means leaving for a while/night/ever - willing and have.

F2F meetings in Alanon will help you as well as a sponsor. Setting boundaries that are intended to protect you and your program will help you during this phase of your life. Glad you are here and know that you aren't alone!

Make it a great day!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 12
Date:

Thank you so much for your responses. I am attending an AA meeting tomorrow (which have been fewer & more far between these past 2 years)... and I am especially looking forward to attending the 1st ftf Alanon meeting I've been to in quite some time. Your ESH and frank discussion helped me tonight as I spoke with my husband about my recovery and he told me his plans. Reading other posts has proven very therapeutic for me and I look forward to meeting some of you at the online meetings.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.