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As I have written in many posts, my AW left me a couple of months ago. Her main complaints at the time were that I hadn't accomplished any spiritual growth over the last several years, that I was shut down and didn't listen. As all of us have commented on numerous times, you can't rely on alcoholics to give you accurate assessments of your behavior, whether they are actively drinking or dry drunk. For example, I completely absorbed what she said at first, then started thinking about how I had begun a program to become a Buddhist minister, become a church elder, obtained a second degree black belt, and also, in facing my dad's imminent death, processed a great deal of pain and confronted old patterns and behavior and made great strides in understanding the nature of our relationship. That I was shut down and didn't listen was probably true (as I have explained elsewhere here I was the subject of her rage attacks and became scared of any serious confrontation). That is something I plan to really examine in terms of my personal growth. What I'm wondering is what kinds of experiences people here have had: who left, the alcoholic or you? What was the final straw (or said to be the final straw)? What kind of blaming occurred? If you did get back together, what were the demands made, expectations held, etc? Thanks in advance for sharing!
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
We were both alcoholics and it was me who left. I left with 2 grocery bags of clothes to stay at my 1 remaining friends house until I could get my own place. I needed to leave because the relationship was massively toxic. The straw that broke it? I think it was when he overdosed on psych meds and I had to call paramedics. He was in the psych ward for almost 2 weeks. He got out and started right back up with the craziness. He had also started driving a wedge between me and my family and would put them down any chance he got. We got in some screaming fights in which we both acted horribly. It was just too much. I was very sick myself and felt I needed to get sober and needed out of that relationship. They were wrapped into one. I felt I had to do that or die. I also was so tired of zero intimacy...no attraction...I wanted to have that again in my life.
Blaming? Well, I blamed him for "ruining my life" and even screamed that at him at times. He blamed me for "not participating in life" and "not believing in him." The truth: I didn't participate in life due to my own depression, laziness, and drinking. He was right about that, but to participate was to participate with him in things that were not really healthy. The "you don't support me" thing: That was an utter joke as I supported him emotionally and financially all the time. I supported him literally. As far as me blaming him for "ruining my life"...well: I let him do that and that is what hurt the most to come to terms with. My codependency and low self-esteem caused that.
Spooky: I am guessing your AW did change a lot in her mind getting sober. She probably did go through some transformation that allowed her to put the drink down and she also had AA and the folks in it telling her she was changing. So...in her mind, she probably underwent some radical change for the better. She is not and was not far enough along to realize you were not the alcoholic and were not needing a program just to live (not downplaying how important alanon is...and it is lifesaving also). It was a self-centered BS view to believe you should work a program the same as her when you didn't have the same affliction. So in essence, it sounds like the premise she was operating under was a faulty and egocentric one. It is also possible that you guys were not compatible any more and when she drank, she was just too needy and scared to move on. That was true for me. I think it was true for my ex-A too. We both kept ourselves sick so we could cling to each other. Ick. Sounds horrible, but I think that is what we did. Not sure if that is the case here, but sounds like it might be.
I was married to my AH for just short of 30 years when I finally decided that I wanted to leave. He wasn't going anywhere- every time I asked him to leave, he would come back a day or two later with promises that were soon broken. One and half years after attending my first Al-Anon meeting, I started to have a certain clarity about not wanting to "dance" with my AH any longer. I was exhausted and, not only was his drinking taking an emotional toll on me, but a physical toll as well. My weight was going up, my blood pressure was going up, I couldn't sleep at night and I was starting to stop taking care of myself. As my family physician said right before I decided to leave, "You're getting sick right along with him. Save yourself- you can't save him if he doesn't want to save himself."
So I got off the "merry-go-round" and started to move the focus to just me. I got better- mentally and physically- he died a year later from this horrible disease called alcoholism.
Spooky I was the one that left to put space between me and the insanity and she was the one who left to go get drunk and high and I left 5 times always coming back after a period of quietness. Then I left and didn't return for 2 - 3 years due to an insane relapse on my part which revealed to me that the disease on my part was incurable. I was in Al-Anon on the 5 departure and absorbing what was being said and taught in the rooms. "What goes around comes around", the definition of insanity, the fact that alcoholism was a fatal disease and that not only the alcoholic dies from it, "What is my part in it" and more. "If you keep and open mind you will find help" which is mentioned in the closing of our face to face meetings was a tremendous help as I was terminally closed minded to Al-Anon and the program or anything else early on. I was a very difficult lesson. I continue to learn 3 6+ years later. Being left was a usual part of our disease...being left physically, mentally, emotionally and others. Being left in pain and insanity is usual to the disease and partly when I realized and then let it become a part of my expectations I decided to use acceptance to allow myself to be alcoholic free regardless of the false hopes that kept popping up time to time. I dedicated the "off" button on the phone to my alcoholic/addict and put to rest the desire to "know what was going on with her". I dedicated my efforts to myself and she became a random thought of short length which I would not generate...spurious.
The relapse came 2 years after the last separation and was surreal because I had learn about relapse and the ego hooks the disease uses to continue to have me participate. It seemed very innocent as I forgot how cunning, powerful and baffling the disease was and still I learned from it before and after the relapse. I've learned a great deal about my disease and I practice today what I've learned. I left again for the last time and initiated the divorce which was the last tool I needed to use to keep me out of her life which I should never have entered to participate in...I followed my sponsors suggestion of "It is your responsibility to correct the mistakes you find you have made". Marrying her (the alcoholic/addict) especially when I was at the time thinking I would not should not do it, was a mistake. I made that amends to myself and now live in the history and consequence of that amends. "Free at last, free at last...thank GOD I'm free at last". Keep coming back Very intuitive post ((((hugs))))
It's a weird dynamic, if you ask my XAH he left if you ask me I asked him to leave. I think there is truth on both parts of that equation. He continued to come back and I let him finally after the 3rd time I said no thank you.
I could handle the insanity of the drinking as weird as that sounds .. what I couldn't live with was the affair/s. I'm pretty sure it was multiple. It doesn't even matter at this point since it's so far removed.
It took me getting an OP .. him going to jail and then a mental ward before he actually got how done I actually was with everything. Once I was forced to just stop the circus it became much easier to find my serenity.
Keep coming back and keep taking a look at why you do what you do it's easier to figure that out than why someone else does what they do.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Re blaming - one of the things that I love about this site is that it is where I discovered that disproportionate number of people who lived with alcoholics are also "not there for them"!!!! I think that there were at least five other people worrying about that in their posts, and therefore in the same boat as me, in the space of just one month - so happily I stopped worrying about the blame at that point and reverted to (my own) common sense.
As for leaving - I walked away from our house (which is in a very remote place) with my suitcase when I realised that I did not like who I was becoming. In trying to be supportive I had hugely underestimated the impact that living with an alcoholic was having on my own demeanour and peace of mind.
Milkwood, do you mean that a lot of enablers/co-dependents unreasonably focus on being and doing even more for the alcoholic, or that the alcoholic expects more and is frustrated that it is never enough -- or both? I am interested. Great posts everyone!
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I was the one who decided he should physically move out. But he was the one who decided to "leave" the relationship in favor of a close relationship with his mistress alcohol. Having him move out was just ending the facade that he had any commitment to the relationship with me apart from keeping a roof over his head.
We both left twisted turned came back went away over and over again- I do have a story about the "end" but I want to share this with you too.
Part of what kept me hanging on were all those questions in my mind, the who left, who rejected who, why wasn't the relationship working ( a form of trying to "fix" it). Was he an alcoholic mentally ill or both, what impact did growing up in an alcoholic family have on his current behavior...
It would have been much easier to just admit to myself it was not working and then replace all those bad emotions with good experiences in my new life. ... Once I accepted my "new life" and made myself live it..without trying to reason through all of the questions, I began to heal.
My sponsor used to say to me "maybe your not supposed to know right now", her suggestion was to turn these things over to a higher power and get on with taking care of me..
