Well today was due to be my first day at my new uni.

Daughter decided to develop the flu overnight and needed to stay at home today watching anime on the couch and sipping hot lemon and honey drinks. 

I can't say I was entirely upset by this as I have begun new classes whilst in the middle of exams and it's pretty demanding so staying at home studying and mothering my offspring was A-OK with me today. I have all of the lecture notes online so as long as I can be disciplined and catch up I will be fine. 

Tomorrow is due to be my second day at new university and I have daughter's psychologist appointment at mid-day and a dental appointment for myself at 3.45pm. Now daughter is somewhat nervous about this appointment (it's the first one that she will attend mostly by herself) and to delay it would mean waiting weeks for a new one and I cannot do that to her; I believe she is looking forward to it in addition to being nervous and her willingness to participate in the process is not something I want to dampen. And I have a visible, painful hole in one of my front teeth and have already delayed this dental appointment for the last 2 months so once again, it's essential. 

So, week 1 and no attendance. Brilliant! I'm only on camps 2 days a week for the next 11 weeks and this week they cannot occur.

I'm really not concerned, it's kind of a blessing as it's not much good starting new subjects and failing the exams for the ones I have been working at for the last 3 months so, best to be sensible about it, pace myself and just put one foot in front of the other. It's not the end of the world; I have an 80% attendance requirement and I'll feel great starting next week with all but 1 exam completed and daughter and my own health needs being looked after. Former me might be pitching a "woe is me" fit right about now, complete with the wailing and the wringing of hands and a lot of cries of "well what's the point even TRYING when SOMETHING always ruins it for me!!" but I don't feel that way now. I feel as if everything is working out just fine really.

ABF called earlier to say he has deposited his first repayment into my bank account. I checked, he really has. Wow. He's been "sober aside from a bottle of wine each pay-day" and has more or less quit smoking and has been attending his own classes without missing any which is all very positive. He seems well. He mentioned trying to have some money aside to actually do something together on our birthday in July. That sounds nice, I will be sure to have a plan B.

I'm not sure what this is really; I have spent maybe 10 days with him in 6 months but we talk every few days. I don't have any particular wish to spend time together and get a little frustrated with his monologues yet he's really just cheerful and pleasant now when we talk; things seem to be working for him from what I can gather. Significantly I do feel anxsty and worried if I don't hear from him for long stretches of time. I wonder if he is happy to have a pseudo-relationship where we simply chat online or talk briefly on skype and rarely see each other as this seems to work for me at the moment. Maybe as a kind of being alone without being completely alone; I'm not sure. He talks about the future, how we will see each other more when he finishes his course and gets a job and has money, how he's happy that I am getting through my studies, that he misses me but is pleased for how well I am doing; I believe he is very sincere about all of this. I don't discount the possibility but I also have little invested in it. I'm not going anywhere and not interested in moving on with anyone else but I am also very much in love with my independence now, focused on my career and my child's wellbeing, and only interested in taking it extremely slowly and in very small doses. He says he misses me and can't stand to be apart but I don't know that it's true; he seems motivated and happy and pro-active to be honest which is probably the most attractive state I've seen him in throughout what will be a decade together next month.

What I do know is that we are both thriving apart and I'm not in any way willing to revert back to what we are when we are completely emeshed. But this, right now is fine with me, planning occasional dates and talking online, I've re-iterated again and again that we will not live together at any time ever again but that if we are happy "dating"and perhaps having future holidays etc together then that would be a perfectly satisfactory relationship for me. And so far it is and it's genuinely nice to hear him happy and know that he is making good choices for himself and discovering that he is capable of a great deal more than simply being an angry resentful ism.

So who knows? I cannot see the future but where I am right now is good and I'm grateful for how everything seems to keep coming together for me, and that's enough for right now.

Yay