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Post Info TOPIC: My biggest problem


Senior Member

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My biggest problem


so I have been trying to "self assess" when I find myself wanting to return to unhealthy behavior. It's been very interesting taking the focus off of why I'm angry, frustrated and looking at why I deal with it the way I do and what my true motive is. I'm finding that my biggest struggle is that I don't trust and I want to know everything...I don't want anything to "sneak up" on me, so I feel like I go out of my way to do my detective work and try to find out everything. I believe I have an issue with separating my AH's life from my own. An example is I will text him and he doesn't respond, so I go crazy with the "what ifs" and I have this whole scenario of what he must be doing and I have my self pretty much convinced of the worst-case scenario! the old detective comes out and I find myself looking for any "clues" that will substantiate the scenario I have in my head...I need help with correcting this behavior. What do I do?? I'm so insecure and pitiful! It's makI got me miserable too because for all I know my AH is completely innocent of these "things" I suspect, and it's not really fair to him to be treated that way. I wouldn't want people thinking the worst of me! I'm so suspicious, so guarded, so sure everyone is going to hurt me. (I also have abandonment issues from a dad who did not want me) Does anyone else relate? If so, how do you handle it?



-- Edited by Fairlee on Tuesday 26th of May 2015 04:56:43 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Fairlee I can readily identify When i examined my motives i was surprised to find that I was a terribly frightened, distrustful . closed minded person, who needed to be in total control to feel safe.

I did not present this to the outside world-- Instead I appeared easy going, open minded, trusting etc. I used my tools of kindness to manipulate and control people and used anger to cover my fear It was not a pretty picture that I found, but my sponsor assured me I was very human and that having the courage to see this and own it is a power ful step to change.
Alanon had the solution--- The Steps-- especially 4 through 11. They would lift thes negative tools and they would be replaced epled with powerful tools filled with, compassion, empathy, courage, and wisdom This is actually what happened Please keep on keeping on.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Fairlee, I could have written every word of your post. My AH has lied to me so often about his drinking that I do not believe a word he says when it comes to alcohol. I would rather know what is coming, than be shocked and caught off guard later, so I also have issues with control.

I like to be in control so I will not be hurt.

You are not alone. I just do not yet handle it well.

I am trying to learn from Miss Betty!

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Carrie



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I think it is human nature to want to know what comes next and our educated guesses -- while never certain, of course -- do give us a feeling of security. I am guessing that in a healthy relationship (I have experienced a few, for example, with my grandparents) it makes sense to count on things going the way they seem to be going. This is the basis, I would think, of security for all of us -- having a good idea of what to expect next. Wen we live with alcoholics we have no idea. Horrible lab experiments (which I don't condone) have shown that animals go crazy when they can never know what is going to happen next. We are "hard-wired" I would say, to understand our context. As I said, it gives us security, but more: it defines our roles in groups, it teaches us what skills we need to have, what we are good at and not so good at, and also helps to show us what people think of us in a "neutral" context. These are all very, very important. Speaking for myself, it is so easy to become that crazy lab animal because I never know what is coming next. Again speaking for myself, that is where I suddenly try everything I can to exert control -- so I an "know" what is coming next for all the reasons above. But I am acting sick and crazy when that happens.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way today, sweetie. I think you are very wise to look to your childhood as the root of these coping mechanisms. I heard someone say the other day that when we did these things as children, for survival, that wasn't crazy, but now we are old enough to choose a different set of tools.

I am with you in spirit and I am sending you love and care.



-- Edited by SpookyMulder on Wednesday 27th of May 2015 07:16:27 AM

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Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it from without.  Buddha



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Okay, I'll be the first guy to respond here. I do the SAME thing Fairlee so please don't feel you're alone here! I even hired a forensics guy to pull stuff from her phone because I suspected and was correct in the assumption that she was cheating. Talk about feeling insecure and pitiful. I'm a very successful retired military officer and businessman. This just doesn't happen to me, so I thought!

The disease has taken over all rational thought and I've become such an enabler/co-dependent person I can't let go. I was on the verge (paid for and all) of divorce but took her back at the last moment in March. Just lat week she tells me (while drinking) that she hasn't loved me in years, has no where else to go and is only there for our daughter.. I am at a loss. She stays at home, doesn't work and only responsibility is for herself. I take our daughter to school, pick her up and some times even do the housework and cook. I read this back and wonder why I'm even in this relationship.. The answer is because I'm just as sick as she is!

Keep strong Fairlee, there is a man out there that will love you for you just like the same is there for me! Good luck

Tx

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Let me caveat that I hope and pray that my wife is that woman! I keep trying but someday enough will be enough!

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TxTycoon45 wrote:

Okay, I'll be the first guy to respond here. I do the SAME thing Fairlee so please don't feel you're alone here! I even hired a forensics guy to pull stuff from her phone because I suspected and was correct in the assumption that she was cheating. Talk about feeling insecure and pitiful. I'm a very successful retired military officer and businessman. This just doesn't happen to me, so I thought!

The disease has taken over all rational thought and I've become such an enabler/co-dependent person I can't let go. I was on the verge (paid for and all) of divorce but took her back at the last moment in March. Just lat week she tells me (while drinking) that she hasn't loved me in years, has no where else to go and is only there for our daughter.. I am at a loss. She stays at home, doesn't work and only responsibility is for herself. I take our daughter to school, pick her up and some times even do the housework and cook. I read this back and wonder why I'm even in this relationship.. The answer is because I'm just as sick as she is!

Keep strong Fairlee, there is a man out there that will love you for you just like the same is there for me! Good luck

 

 

I got that same type of terrible, soul-crushing speech -- only my ex AW is a dry drunk.  She said she hadn't found me attractive for years, she had only stayed for the land (garden) and animals, that I hadn't grown in years, and that she stayed because she had no resources.  I really feel like people who say things like this are being cruel for no reason.  If you want to part ways there are loving ways you can say that -- but my experience dealing with alcoholics is that they almost feel compelled to hurt you.  I am sorry this happened.  I hope that together we can all help each other know wanton cruelty when we see it and know that we don't deserve it. Hugs!!!

Tx


 



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Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it from without.  Buddha



~*Service Worker*~

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Fairlee, I was the same way. I checked his email every night. I asked lots of questions. It always turned out that my suspicions were right. And then I realized I had to trust my HP. Your HP gets you to it... and gets you through it. I think that before ,when I watched everything, I really wanted to prove that what I thought was wrong, but that didn't turn out.

Stop hitting your head against that wall.

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maryjane


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After a LONG period of time apart from my ex A,  I realized I was not insecure or any of the other things he said about me... that looking at phones and trying to be a detective was natural, when your other half is hiding things from you and lying constantly and giving mixed messages - saying I was only with you for survival or the worst at the time was "I don't know what I want but it might not be you"  then I find " I love you" written on a note and he would say " I want us to work out"  or make some veiled gesture of affection, then wanting money or beer bought- but no sincere apology and definitely no explaining about the weird statements. Back and forth up and down, I didn't have any idea what he really wanted and I don't think he did either. All he ever seemed to know for sure was that he wanted to drink.

 When you see someone holding something behind their back literally or figuratively it is only natural for anyone to try to look and see what it is...that is not a relationship that is a weird sick twisted game, a game not even the alcoholic understood. All of this and the thing that really was the most perplexing is that I stayed. Most people would probably say to themselves something like, I don't know what is going on but I know it hurts me so I'm going to remove myself from this.. but no not alanons we stick around to see how we can make someone else better so then we will feel better- don't think that would ever work. When I realized that even if he did get sober, he would need years of counseling to even begin to have a normal relationship and that was doubtful. When I heard some people say their alcoholic spouse got sober then ran off with someone from AA. When I fully realized what was going on in my life and how I seemed to have no control over myself those things were my first glimmers of hope. The awful truths that would help me make the first steps to freedom.

One of the reasons I didn't leave was because I was afraid he would get with someone else and have a happy relationship and I would feel even more like a failure. He is with someone else now, from the very little I know about it that relationship it does seem to be working for him, and I have no bad or good feelings about that. I'm totally neutral and very happy with where I am.

I can't say I truly wish him the best- I don't. I do not wish him any harm either. I just don't care.. and that feels sooo good!



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