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I think I am having a pretty heavy anxiety/panic attack feeling all day. I am not able to manage the physical sensation. Heavy chest, stomach tore up, I mainly feel weird and have trouble breathing.
I like a Monday night meeting in my mom's home state but could not be there this week and am home where I don't love the meetings close to me. Either way, I don't know that it would help me right now. I ran into ex abf 3 weeks ago. We started spending time together and I thought it would be ok b/c when I saw him I realized my feelings had changed 70% of the way which I did not expect. As alcoholism goes, he could tell and I think was scared and made an extraordinary effort to talk to me about everything- he even quit drinking without AA which must have been KILLING him. White knuckling it I guess. He was apologizing for things I did not even know he was aware he did. Honestly it was helpful. But then he had to binge, picked something I said to him as a reason to go for a drunken weekend on a time when we had memorial day weekend plans. Left town. I did not get the memo. I was in utter emotional shock for two days. His bs never really hit me like that. I used to say who cares I expect this. And go on with my life. This time though, I am hurting. real real real bad. I am wondering if it is because he made such strides in communicating with me and connecting with me on another level this time which is where the disease is so cunning .. so cunning.
Even though I have made the decision to tell him when he calls me (which he most def. will in the next week) that --I cannot be his support system and he is pulling my life down, therefore I will never give him another opportunity to hurt me again-- I feel so much anxiety and panic anyway, even though I am cutting him off and keeping him in the picture is not even a question for me. I still have panic feelings.... For a reason I cannot identify. What is this feeling. I recognize this from the days we used to date, but that was when I was afraid to leave. I am not now, so what is up with my physical system here. I am perplexed, and a bit down. :( I have come so far, and I am taking this anxiety as a big red flag that I am a failure at recovery.
Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you cope? What did you tell yourself?
I said, in two weeks I will look back on this, and it will be over, and "This too shall pass." My friend shared that with me who is in recovery in AA.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 26th of May 2015 04:18:24 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Ugh! I have been having that feeling this afternoon. I have to really try and talk myself down and remind myself that the other person is not under my control and whatever will be will be and I will be ok no matter what happens. Do you ever do any kind of yoga or breathing exercises? These really help me - I have to take my focus off of what I am obsessing about and refocus...I try not to call, text or talk (or react to anything) while I am feeling this way. I hope you feel better quick - I swear we are killing ourselves by being affected in this way to where we have physical issues :( stress/anxiety is horrible for the body and mind.
Yes. Thanks Fairlee. It was so bad today, I couldn't do my usual meditation. I cannot really think or function too well today. It is all very difficult and I found myself needing to lay down to rest as wound up as i felt. This is horrible!! Their drinking affects us as much as it affects them. I thought this feeling came from the fear of leaving them. apparently not b/.c I have already done that! LOL! It is just from their presence in general. hmm..
Thank you for reminding me it is not under my control. I only have control over me. That made me feel a little lighter.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
For me personally, I think this feeling happens for two reasons. Firstly, because I have seen what is possible -- the kindness, connection, honesty, loving attentiveness, and of course (perhaps not so healthy) the alcoholic's need for me. Secondly, the jarring feeling of reality tearing apart and spinning me around when I have once again let myself and the alcoholic spin a false reality around us and then allowed myself to believe it was "really real" this time. So I end up feeling like I have lost my lover,my best friend, and, most importantly, my co-reality spinner. And yes, for me, this results in that horrible, un-moored or un-anchored feeling of being adrift, in pain, feeling deep panic and grief. Are we having fun yet? And the more I go to meetings F2F and come here, the more I see that my alcoholic is like a drug for me. The short high is so sweet and there is nothing like it, but then the hangover is killing. Hence, we chase the dragon from here to eternity.
I don't mean to say that our alcoholics have nothing genuinely good about them -- most of them I know are very sensitive and caring people when they are really "in themselves" and most, in my opinion, have so much to offer and it is so easy to see this. Having said that, it really helped me to get this on a deeper level than just intellectual. I had to viscerally (in my gut) know that my alcoholic ex is a drug for me. I am the only one that controls my reactions to that.
My heart goes out to you. I know the feeling you are having so well, and there are probably plenty of tears on your pillow. Just know you aren't alone. XO
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
