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Post Info TOPIC: Do I stay or do I go? This is a constant battle in my heart and mind.


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Do I stay or do I go? This is a constant battle in my heart and mind.


confuse Confusion abound. I have been with my husband for 7 years. Married for almost 4 of them. As a couple I have learned a few things about myself that I truly don't like and I am working on. I started to realize my husband was a Jekyll and Hyde. I saw the alcohol being drank while I was showering in the  morning. Pictures started to monitor the alcohol. The checking up. Then I finally realized i had lost myself. I was pot smoking with him drinking at night. Falling into the trap. I know I was looking for that perfect broken bird to fix. i didnt realize how broken he was. Yes I knew he was arrested twice for dwi's and served 3 months  Jail time. I wasn't judging. He really made me think he wanted to change his life. He had me beileve his parents didn't care about him so much. I definitely felt bad for him. Wanted to help him realize life wasn't that bad. I know that wanting to help stems from my youth. Divorce, alcoholic father, alcoholic stepfather no longer in the picture. I have been in therapy for 2 years now. I went when I finally realized I had no clue who I was anymore. The anti depressants were no longer working. I couldn't find that perfect person my husband needed me to be. I was starting to crack myself. Losing love for me. Therapy has helped me so much. I'm truly excited to work on issues that I both knew about and didn't know about. Problem though is I'm getting stronger while observing my husband is getting weaker. The alcohol has picked up steam. I'm done with being a victim, martyr, controller. the empty promises of stopping. The vicious battles that come out of know where that stir emotions in me that I don't feel naturally. The viciousness that comes out of mouth. The constant deflecting when I express myself. The eggshell walking. Being made to feel like it's me. The toughest part for me is owning our business together. I'm around it all the time. The flip flopping he does with situations involving the business. My head is constantly spinning trying to keep up. The vicious battles literally drain my energy being. My spirit slowly dying. Good day and bad. His mother has just passed away and im seeing the drink come out everyday all day. This concerns me that I'm entering new phase with the disease. Talking to him and having him empty promise me he will stop just feels so tired. I am now having dreams of being stuck, trapped, and angry. I want to leave but I truly love him. Unsure what I still love though. This is why I feel lovejailed.  I have read through some forums about becoming detached. Ignoring the rants. Do not take it personally. It's definitely working for me. The thing though is I'm getting to a point where I don't know if this is what I want the rest of my life. Im In my mid 30s and know from what I've read this will potentially get worse. He is a good person with a big heart. This disease is in his way though. walking away has definitely moved to the top of the list. I have told him there will be that one fight that will break me. I now realize that the threat is not what I should be doing. how could I give up on someone I fell in love with? Did I ever truly love him or did I fall in love with the cause? Learning to understand codependency now as well. Any advice, experiences and thoughts would be greatly appreciated.



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Richvee


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome lovejailed I am in a rush to catch a train and just wanted to assure you that you are not alone and that alanon face to face meetings and this Board will be a great asset for you to call on as you continue on this journey.

Alcoholism is a destructive, chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. We who live with the disease develop coping tolls (as you have noted) that are destructive to our own well being.

Alanon offered me the place to break the terrible isolation caused by living in the disease, new tools to live by and a support group to practice with. Please keep coming back.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Letting someone go isn't always giving up on them. It's setting them free to solve their own problems and have their own consequences. Not encouraging you to leave, but be careful not to let fear and guilt creep into things that are already difficult enough. You sound like you are right on track in terms of your awareness and the topics you are bringing up. It sounds immensely painful and confusing, but at least you are asking the questions and recognizing something needs to change. Alanon can and will help.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with Pinkchip and second what he said. I will add that, for me, attending Al Anon really set me free from my ties to the alcoholic and the program taught me what detaching with love really looked like. I had to leave my marriage, but I did stay for 3 years with active alcoholism and I applied the tools of the program daily while living in chaos. It can be done and you can find a path for yourself along the way. I know how hard it is. You have a lot of awareness of your situation and that is one of the first things that comes along when we come out of our own denial and move forward on a healthier path for ourselves.

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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I went to two therapists both were great. One marriage
And the other drug and alcohol. They both said the same
Thing get out!

I did not leave but i did start alanon and that was the beginning
Of me changing and growing out of the hold the disease had
On me. I attended for two years and did not talk very Much.

i did keep showing up for me to get better. It takes courage
To face yourself and your demons. i was at my bottom and
could not go any lower.

At face to face meetings you learn about yourself and the effects
The disease has on us. You learn new tools to live by loving
detachment And good healthy boundaries among other tools.

You learn self love, self care and self acceptance with the love
Of your HP guiding you and giving you strength. It all takes
Time to get there. Working steps one,two and three with the
Help of a loving sponsor will start you on the path to healing
And growing.

The thinking in alanon is to not make any major changes for
Six months to a year unless there is abuse. That Is so you can
get emotionally strong in the program and make wise choices
For you. Alanon is a me program.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Lovejailed, I could have written most of that post myself. I am getting stronger with AlAnon, and I am seeing positive change in my life, I am also seeing my wife about to "successfully complete" her intensive outpatient recovery program, while I know that she has been drinking almost every day of the program, often first thing in the morning, too. Do I stay, or do I go? I suggested an intensive inpatient program to my wife, because she can't kick the drinking successfully in her current program. That is not something that she is willing to do at this point. I hope that the courts give me some time and space and her a real chance at recovery in the form of consequences for her third DUI. Will they? I am not sure. For all accounts, it sounds much more likely that she will be under house arrest. And so, then what? I don't know. Trying to take things one day at a time, trying to keep my focus on me and what I need, and trying to NOT let myself get worn down by her active alcoholic behavior.
What I do know is that things are SO MUCH better for me with AlAnon, and that, for the first time in several years, I am starting to recognize myself and my goals again. It is a hard place to be right now, but so much better than it was before I came to AlAnon. I hope that you will find the same positive progress and, when the time is right, I hope that we will both find the clarity we need to make the right decisions for us.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Al anon will help you get strong so that you will know if you want to stay or leave and be able to be ok with yourself either way.

I didn't "get strong" before I left because I didn't believe I could get strong ( healthy ) while with him and maybe that was true.

My relationship was also 7 years then the break up  plus a couple of years back and forth this was the most horrible and painful part  ( he was really gone and I was chasing him and letting him use me) this alcoholism stuff  "made my mind and soul feel broken.

I've been totally really out- no contact for 4 years now, I like me, I realize I'm not all those horrible things he had convinced me I was. I spent some happy time alone as I healed and that was really good and now I'm with a absolutely adoring and adorable man!! The exact kind of man my ex alcoholic said only existed in my imagination.

I'm very happy with my decision... it was worth it!! I am worth it!

Wishing you the best life possible and the courage to accept the things you can not change, change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference.



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Senior Member

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Posts: 194
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Welcome LoveJ!  Glad to have you here with us.  What a powerful post and responses.  Nothing to add that wouldn't be redundant to what's already been said.  Keep coming back here!  It helps all of us.  smile



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Member

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Posts: 10
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Ty everyone... I took everything you have all said and am processing. We went out to lunch today only to realize he was obliterated again. We have crossed into a new zone of repeating previously said things. Even within 5 minutes of each other. I remember as well why I stopped with the presents for him. I bought him a piece of jewelry today on a whim. When I surprised him with it his words were let me open it here just in case I don't like it I can return it. I'm all about sarcasm but this wasn't that. It was that dig. That knock of you don't know me and will never get it right. The one that use to really sting for me. It's a gift. Frustrated. Sad one moment I saw my husband I love and then switch the twin is out. Sharing with people I care about has helped me a lot. He has a target on someone who I really care for that they need to go away. She and I both noticed anyone close to me has to be removed in some way. She's on the chopping block. I keep trying to help him see the other side but it's become pointless. Like a spoiled bratty child stomping and kicking his feet. its a tough situation cause she is an employee in our business. He wants to fire for what he feels are proper reasons but I know she is what works for me. Clients love her she works hard. She gets me to remember the good stuff. He hates it. At the end of the day I don't want to disrespect anyone. This is what's good for me. He reminds me of that all the time. Doing what's best for myself. Everyday the fog of confusion lifts more and more.

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Richvee


Senior Member

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Posts: 295
Date:

Wow. I could have written this myself! I will be reading the responses closely. So glad you are here - this forum is a life saver for sure :) no advice from me, as I am currently drowning in this sea but i see land ahead :)

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