The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I have been going through a rough time with my recent separation/divorce and asking a lot of questions about how to cope, I thought I would share a couple victories.
First, I started looking for roommates since my ex AW left, since I needed help with the animal sanctuary, didn't want to be alone 5 miles from town, etc. The first woman to reply to the ad came out to the house and was exuberant about us meeting being "kismet" (fate) since she was getting out of an abusive relationship, was interested in the environment and animals, and even had a pomeranian -- the breed I arbitrarily decided to adopt because otherwise I would have 100 dogs.LOL. So, she knew I had advertised for two roommates. She chose the largest room. A week later she called to ask if she could use the smaller room as an art studio. She didn't offer to pay more rent -- just wanted it. I explained it wouldn't work because the room was needed -- if I didn't have another roommate it would be there for my son and family when they visit, etc. She said haughtily, "Well I need somewhere to do my art!" So I commenced making a place in my basement for her. I told her and she said she had supplies that couldn't get damp. So I started clearing out plastic bins. fix,fix,fix. When I wrote to her to say I found another roommate, she went off on me: "It was a big deal for me just to move in with YOU! I don't want to live with a bunch of people!" So I suggested she think about living alone, perhaps she would find it more conducive to the healing she needed. She became more contrite and said she would "meet the other person and decide." By now - boy I have to be hit on the head hard, LOL -- I am seeing all the red flags lining up. Then she asked if she could bring alcohol to the meeting dinner (as a lubricant for her social anxiety). In the past I would have just kept grimly going forward, but I told her no. This arrangement wasn't going to work out. I wished her the best and said no hard feelings, and that I was sure we had met for a reason (for me it was to see the patterns I was replicating, but I felt that part was unnecessary to share). She went off on me: using anger, guilt, and blame in turns, proving that I had dodged a bullet. I felt proud.
The second thing was harder. I needed to send my ex AW something in the mail and I couldn't resist the urge to put a note in it. I wrote and re-wrote it, wanting the wording to be perfect. At points I actually unsealed it and rewrote the note again. I put it in the mailbox. I came in and came here to MIP. After reading a while and really listening to my HP, I went out, took the note out, and sealed the necessary item back in the envelope with no commentary. I realized I was trying to manipulate the situation. Trying to defend myself, "help" her not feel as bad, leave a door open for the future. I felt even prouder of that than the roommate situation, because it is so, so close to my heart right now. For me it was like pouring a bottle of my own particular brand of liquor down the drain and feeling relieved.
I couldn't have done it without all of you. Thanks so much for your love and support.
-- Edited by SpookyMulder on Monday 25th of May 2015 11:39:06 AM
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Yay!!!
Well done.
After my husband left I was railroaded by a new housemate who just HAD to live with us because it was FATE and it was all going to be so PERFECT because she was a loving sweet grandma and she would be the most perfect helpful addition to our lives (my daughter was about 6 months old) and she just LOVED children and couldn't wait to bring her grandchildren to meet us and and and....I heard alarm bells loud and clear but she begged and cried and I didn't know how to say no... She came complete with several houseloads of stuff that she needed to store in my garage which had to be cleaned out "just so" and after I had spent an entire day moving her belongings in there she decided the floor had mould on it and stood back and demanded I move all of her stuff out again, scrub the floors with bleach and move it all back in again....it got worse from there. It was insanity; she was so abusive and controlling and turned my home into a living hell. The whole story became so bizarre that I am going to write a book about it one day but the long and the short of it was, she KNEW how vulnerable I was and she knew how to railroad me but this was a long time before al-anon and I just did not know how to say NO. I ended up moving out myself with no-where to go because she refused to leave and threatened me with all kinds of legal action if I tried to force her to go.
So anyway sorry for that irrelevant story lol but that was what I thought of when you mentioned this housemate the other day and I heard alarm bells then....now even more so and I'm so glad you told her NO. Good Job!! For some reason it seems like when we are fresh out of abusive relationships other manipulative people are just lining up to take over!
And also how good does it feel to think and write out all of the things we want to say ad then just say nothing at all. I do it with my ex husband all the time now and it feels SO much better than trying to communicate my feelings to someone that doesn't want to understand anything I say anyway.
Yay for you!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! It works when you work it!!!!! Hang onto these victories no matter how big or small they may appear it will remind you of the good feelings of making the right choices for you!!!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks so much, missmeliss! Yes, it seems so true that when you are vulnerable these are the people who swoop in. So I guess we try to break the cycle in such a way that we are not vulnerable anymore in those particular ways. I am so open to everything -- I say I am a Highly Permeable Organism -- but I hold faith that there is a way to honor my nature and not be taken advantage of. I am so sorry to hear of your experience...book/movie worthy for sure! I am so proud of you for growing. XO
__________________
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Ha! That's great!
As a writer, I know the write, revise cycle all too well.
It's so hard to learn when NOT to express yourself.
I'm learning.
I've written so many scathing masterpieces to my AW and each one of them has just bolstered her resolve that I'm the problem.
At least I finally realized that I am "as much of a problem".
Good job recognizing your own rationalized attempts to manipulate!
I'm struggling so hard with that. "She deserves to hear what I have to say damnit!" ("Yeah, right. Get over yourself old man!")
That's how to work it Spooky we get to do it that way to work it the best way we can. And learning that NO is a complete sentence works also and you said NO well...Thanks for bringing it back here. ((((hugs))))
Yay! You handled all of that really well and I'll tell you - you helped me this very moment because I have been stewing over something, about to make the mistake of confronting AH about this something and after reading your post I am inspired to NOT. Thank you for the inspiration and I'm so happy for you in your progress :)
Yay! You handled all of that really well and I'll tell you - you helped me this very moment because I have been stewing over something, about to make the mistake of confronting AH about this something and after reading your post I am inspired to NOT. Thank you for the inspiration and I'm so happy for you in your progress :)
Yay! I love it when we actually hear about the ripples we cause to go out in positive ways! I am so glad we can inspire each other! Hugs!!!! :=_
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
You are Catching on to what you need to do
To protect yourself. It takes time and working
The program. Self love was a big turning point
For me. My lightbulb went on. As you work on yourself
Self acceptance and self forgiveness come about.
Self care seems to be my biggest hurdle taking
Time for me. I still need to work on it. I am in
Too much misery to do it i guess. I hope soon
That will pass.
I know where you are coming from on your
Aw. You will never please her just save yourself
And be the best you can be for yourself. It is
Hard and i have loads of empathy. I know your
Journey well, mine is different yet the same.
They are sick people and they are not good
For us or to us. Yet we pine for them and Try
work on a relationship with them. Why oh why?
It only hurts us. Good going Not sending out letter.
I have sent my dry xah A few but he could care less.
He thinks only about Money, resentments or anger
when its to do with me.
