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Post Info TOPIC: pressure from in laws


Newbie

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pressure from in laws


Hello I'm new to the page and taking great comfort from your comments to each other. Just wondered if anyone had experienced pressure from their in laws to stay with their A? I have just left my AH for the 4th time as we have had another binge and I am detemined to make a life away from all the chaos to bring up my children in a stable environment. My mother in law is desperate that I stay as she thinks if I take the children my ÃH will be unable to cope and drink himself to death (he nearly managed it this time) as her other son (AH's brother) has already died from the disease. I love my AH but I need to leave for good and I want it to be as amicable as possible, but I can't imagine it will be. Thank you

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Jen, welcome to Miracles in Progress. Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely painful and filled with fear and anxiety. I'm glad that you reached out and shared and truly understand your concerns.

As you know ,Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested and never cured. We who live with the disease become negatively affected and need a program of recovery of our own. We need to truly understand that we are powerless over the disease and that it is important to take care of ourselves in a healthy fashion, before we can take care of others.

Al-Anon face-to-face meetings helped me to break the isolation caused by living with the disease, provided me with the support and tools to redefine my life and a place to practice using them. I urge you to search out these meetings in your community and attend.

Keeping the focus on myself, living one day at a time, stopping reacting and begin acting in my own best interest, all helped to restore my self-esteem and ability to make choices that are healthy for myself and my family-- regardless of what others thought or said.

You are not alone so please keep coming back


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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If having you and the children is going to have an impact on his alcoholism (which is doubtful) then there's an equal chance that losing his family might push him to seek help finally, wheras if you stay and he feels he is "not that bad" because hey, his family is still around, it might help him keep drinking himself to death just as easily... you can apply that logic in a lot of different ways.

But the truth is, he's going to drink until he decides he wants to stop and get help. So you can stay and help him and his mother stay in denial about his ability to help himself or you can do what you say you have decided you truly want and know that you have made the best choice for you and your children.

Your MIL will probably find a way to blame you regardless of what you do if she is that way inclined. Mine blamed me for her sons drinking and all of his problems when we were together, was desperate that I not leave because he wouldn't cope with "having his heart broken" and now blames me because I left. I had to decide that I wouldn't give any mind to what she thought of me because it was all borne out of her own pain at not knowing how to help herself or her son. I feel sad for her but I sure do not need or deserve her blame so I have no contact with her now and she can think what she likes; it has no bearing on my life.

If he really does need you and your children as his very reason for staying alive then that's a pretty awful responsibility to have hanging over your heads, it's not much of a life is it? And I bet that if he were in his right mind he would want the people he loves to be happy and living life to the fullest, not trapped in misery with him and his addiction. I like to think that we do a kindness to A's sometimes by not allowing them to be responsible for ruining our lives and our childrens as well as their own.

Also, Hi Jen, and welcome!!


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Newbie

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Thank you for your responses. I do try to go to face to face meetings when I can and found great support there, but I can't do it regularly unfortunately. I just need to stay away from home as my AH and my MIL are camped out there in the craziness of alcohol withdrawal. I do feel responsible as I have allowed myself to. I will keep reminding myself I am doing the right thing by reading these forums and other's experiences. Thanks again for your warm welcome!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Jen and welcome. Now that you know the benefit of alanon meetings, please consider attending the online meetings here. You can find a schedule of them at the link in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the home page.
You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Knowing that helped me decide to do what has been the right decision for me.

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Veteran Member

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I have conversely felt pressure from my own parents to keep pursuing my AW that just left me. They have only seen her charming side and not her vicious rages, her basic lack of empathy, and that she is, in my opinion a dry drunk who will continue to impose chaos on me (and whomever she ends up with, since she never goes long without a mommy figure/enabler). Of course my mom has herself lived with a dry drunk -- my dad -- for 52 years. My dad is dying of a disease that has made it impossible for him to talk, walk, etc., so all my conversations are with my mom. It isn't any easier, since my mom and I both genuinely believe in commitment and honoring our marriage vows. But I think I have finally shared with her enough, in words she can understand, that it is part of a generational pattern for us to "fix" our spouses, let them treat us terribly, have affairs both emotional and sexual, verbally abuse us, and take them back anyway. Someone recently said (I can't remember if it was here or somewhere else) the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. When I got together with my ex AW, I knew she had "wild years," told me she "got a thrill out of being sneaky," had cheated on her exes as a way of getting out of relationships, etc. I was going to be the one to change all that (you know, since I'm God). Ultimately, I believe it is important to really examine the past, listen to your gut, and not take advice from people who are still under the powerful hold of the disease (whether it is your qualifying alcoholic, parents on either side, etc). As we were discussing on another post -- be careful if you leave. It seems like when we are vulnerable and have been drowning in alcoholism, we are especially vulnerable and likely to repeat the same pattern with the next person -- it seems to be a way we get "high" to dull the pain, just as alcoholics do with booze.

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Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it from without.  Buddha



~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha Jen...you've come to the right place for supportive Experience, Strength and Hope.  You are not alone as most all of us have experience what you are going thru now.  My mother thought it a great idea that I would marry the alcoholic and then later my mother-in-law wanted me to stay and help her escape the fatal nature of the disease.  I found out I was powerless over it and turn my alcoholic/addict wife and her family and my own over to the care of God as I understood God and left.  I did relapse a few times and went back to try again an as advertised...it got worse.  The finest pressure I got was from the program telling me to keep coming back and that it would work when I worked it.  There was no way I could stay away from what worked for me and others.  I wanted what others in the room had and I finally achieved it over time (one day at a). Alcoholism is a progressive disease if it is not arrested by total abstinence it will get worse for the alcoholic and the family.  Getting into the face to face meetings stops the progression of the disease for us.     Keep coming back here also.    (((((hugs))))) smile



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Senior Member

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Been there, done that. My ex MIL talked me into taking exAH back the first time, citing reasons designed to overcome me with guilt. The second time I was cagey about it. I spent 8 months quietly preparing for divorce, filed for divorce, and 3 days before service of process was due, I dropped the news to AH and his family. I was up against a lot of bullying and manipulation, so it was very scary. Somehow I made it through and was divorced less than 2 months later!

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Veteran Member

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Welcome Jen. I hope you come back.

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Carrie



Senior Member

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Welcome Jen!  Sounds like you taken a courageous step toward freedom.  Please don't take the guilt monkey the MIL is trying to hand you.  It's manipulative fueled by fear.  The Alcoholics choices are his own and know one elses.  The nice thing about being in Recovery(Alanon) is it somehow works it's way through others touched by the diesase.  We lead by example and it seems to rub off on others.  You never know who you're helping by your actions.



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Newbie

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Yes I have been getting the guilt trips from AH. I keep reminding myself that if he is truly determined to work the AA programme he would accept my decision and stop trying to control and manipulate me. I have to meet with him tomorrow so he can see our children (he is no longer drinking and they miss him) and I'm worried I will fall for his promises again. I keep coming on here to read and it reminds me why I have left, to give myself and my children stability and safety. I definitely worry too much what others think (his family in particular) and find this crippling at times. Does anyone have any experience of how this can be overcome? Thank you!

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Senior Member

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My experience with this happened years before I found al anon. I was absolutely terrified of the bullying MILL and of my AH. I did the only thing I could-- I sucked up the courage as best as I could and went ahead with the divorce. I remained polite with them and focusing on our coparenting relationship. It's been over 8 years since then, and things are better sometimes. I can say I've remained kind and cordial but I have stuck to my boundary that I wouldn't be taking him back. No matter what.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP Jen. Glad you are here and just want to offer support.

This program teaches us to take care of us in spite of all that is going on around us. So, take life one day at a time and do what is proper for you and your children.

I have found many tools in the Alanon program to help me deal with life going on around me. I have also found many who have gone through similar experiences and offer support to me when I am not certain my best next steps.

I know if I stay in the moment and not fret about the past or the future, I can find peace - no matter what. I've had pressure from 'outsiders' to stay and from others to go. My experience is that each person I share with has a different idea and I need to do what is best for me, not what others think is best.

So, work your program and take care of you. What I have found is that it's all OK when I do what is suggested and if I am not certain about a choice, I pray - and usually the answers come (not always in my timeframe....LOL).

Again, so glad you are here! The meetings here are great! Take care and make it a great evening!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 194
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Hi Jen,

It can be crippling when what others think weighs so heavily on us.  This is very common when dealing with the effects of Alcoholism.  For me, it deals with my low self esteem and self worth.  Working The 12 Step Program and having a relationship with a Higher Power, I experienced a change in attitude and thinking.  I have a new freedom and a new happiness.  These are some of The Promises contained in the 12 Steps.

In the meantime, I lived by the mantra that I needed to come before others.  What others thought of me and my choices was none of my business.  If others were judging me and my decisions, then it was their problem and their unsolved issues.

I like this saying- If you're honest with yourself and others, their thoughts and feelings are not your business.  The people who matter won't care, those that care don't matter. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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I was so close with my ex in laws and they could only see their son through parents eyes, but I timed out of the chaos and needed a stable home to raise my kids in and so I left and stayed out for good when I realized my children and I deserved more. My MIL loved to put the responsibility of my exAH on me and worried what others would think. But I couldn't let his drinking effect us the way it was any longer. Al-anon face to face, my sponsor and MIP helped change me from the inside out and life has never been so great! The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews also helped my perspective a lot. Sending you love and support on your journey!



-- Edited by Breakingfree on Thursday 28th of May 2015 10:15:35 AM

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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My mother-in-law insists on thinking that I "saved her daughter's life" because she was apparently spiraling when we met, and is much better now that she is with me. (And THAT is a scary thought!) She also claims that she is not worrying about my wife anymore because she is now my "problem" and my "responsibility". I don't really feel pressure from her to stay with my wife, probably because of the program and also because my mother-in-law herself left an alcoholic husband (my wife's father). So, She didn't stay, I am not going to feel pressure from her to stay myself.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu

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