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Post Info TOPIC: Here it comes again...


Member

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Here it comes again...


So, i know I've posted about my AH before, and how he has abused me in the past, and how he has health issues and how he is not in recovery or anything.

I recently posted that I almost wished he would go ahead and do "it" again just to give me a good reason to leave.

Anyway, after thinking that he had been drinking in a pretty controllable manner for awhile, I came home to find him totally drunk tonight.  He was acting strange and somewhat belligerent, being weird with the kids and repeating himself a lot.  Usual stuff. 

 Anyway, after he threw up and took a shower he told me that since I have lost weight and gotten myself healthy, I am even less attractive to him than I was before and he just really wishes I would go ahead and put the weight back on.  I lost almost 60 pounds and am quite thin now, though far from skeletal and I feel great.  I was thinking I was looking so good and feeling quite beautiful when he told me tonight that he is not attracted to me at all any more since I got "so small."

This coming from a man who told me when I was heavier that he was completely unattracted to me due to my size then and that I should lose weight.

I now have, and I am hearing the same thing from him.  I feel so low right now, and unlovable.  It's like I just want to reach out and hold someone, but I know it can never be my husband.

I do not feel like I am deserving of anyone's love at all at this point.  I have been trying too long to be the right woman for him and am now realizing that I simply am not her.  

Now to make him realize it so that he will move along...



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~*Service Worker*~

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Penny there is no "right" person for an alcoholic...forget that idea.  Get around program people and you will find the acceptance you lack regardless of your weight.  When I got into the reality and the acceptance that I wouldn't get any healthy affirmations from my alcoholic/addict wife and to expect the opposite when she gave me the opposite I wasn't thrown off.  The alcoholic was being alcoholic and what more would I expect.   Expect the crappy attitude and language from him and don't react....it takes practice, practice, practice and I got to the point where it wouldn't even throw me off...the "words can never hurt me" stage.   Keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))wink



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~*Service Worker*~

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I learned that my partner's constant attacks on my self esteem were actually huge compliments in a very sick as sad sense, because he was doing it to make sure I had no confidence and didn't go getting any "ideas" about moving on or up in the world. I know we aren't meant to guess at people's motives but it's pretty obvious when abusers and addicts do this kind of stuff. Like you, the better I felt I looked, the worse the insults and criticism. I learned a little more about this from the books "Getting Them Sober" which gets into some of those dynamics.
It really has very little to do with you and everything to do with him not wanting you to think you are good enough to get away from him...or that's my guess.

All i can say is that as long as you are trying to "be the right woman for him" he has you right where he wants you and will probably continue to whittle away at your self esteem to keep you there. When you stop giving any mind to what he thinks and start living for you, things will get better pretty fast and as an added bonus he will most likely treat you a whole lot more nicely if he knows you aren't bending over backwards trying to please him any more.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Senior Member

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Repeat after me, many times daily:I am beautiful, I am worthy, I deserve love-- my own and others. Repeating this mantra many times daily for the last several months has helped me with feelings from a situation very similar to yours. And you know what? WE love you! You're strong and brave, and we are glad you are here!

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Penny)))I love" Irish's" message. A gratitude and asset list repeated several times a day will help you to see and know the truth about yourself. You are beautiful and loved.


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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(((Penny))) You are beautiful and lovable and worthy of love.

I wonder, what would happen if you stopped trying to be the woman you think your AH wants and if you start being the woman you want to have in your life?

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



Senior Member

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Here is my take on this: my AH is completely active in his drinking and very much in denial. (Just a little background info on where we are in this journey) I honestly believe that if I am strong and confident it makes AH feel bad about himself (which in the normal world makes no sense, most spouses want to lift one another up and want the other person to be healthy and strong) I guess what I am trying to say here is you cannot read too much into what he says because his thinking is so distorted...he is threatened by the fact that you are getting strong and healthy, it makes him feel even more insecure about himself , and in his selfishness, all he really cares about is himself (otherwise he would want you to be at your best, and only you can gauge what your best is!) So even though it is easier said than done, don' t put too much stock into what he says...it is threatening to him if you don't feel as bad about yourself as he does about himself. Your doing great - keep getting stronger and healthier.

If we are around other people and I get attention, my AH will quickly put me down, in a seemingly joking way, so that it squashes me. It's like he needs me to feel as bad as he does. The craziness of this disease. It goes against all normal wisdom. I read all of these neat deals on how to make your marriage stronger, etc and all I can conclude is "not in an alcoholic marriage" conventional wisdom just does not work. I digress. Hang in there and draw your value from you and your HP, not your A :)

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Veteran Member

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You hit the nail on the head, Fairlee. He needs you to feel as bad about yourself, as he feels about himself, and the last thing he wants is for you to feel strong and confident, especially when he is drunk.



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Carrie



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When he sobered up this morning, he remembered a little of what he had said. He back pedaled a little, saying he still thought I was beautiful, but I cannot un-hear what he said to me already.

He did reiterate, however, that he is not attracted to me the way that I am now.

I so wish I had the strength to leave him. He wants me to stay so bad, though that I really don't think I will ever be strong enough. I just wish it would be over. I'm tired of my heart being broken.

I don't know why he wants me if he's not attracted to me. This is so confusing and hurtful I don't know how much more I can take.



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~*Service Worker*~

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The door is open for you to walk into your healthier, serene life.  The constant criticism and manipulation of the A can really do a number on us.  They want us to stay because they need an enabler and someone to fulfill their needs (which are generally to not be alone, to smooth the path of their alcoholism, to feel superior to someone and to have someone to blame for things going wrong).

You deserve so much more.  I hope you have a meeting?  Maybe a sponsor?  There are many ways to make life better and more bearable and even joyful.  Start with the program and the tools.  You are on your journey and you are going good places.



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Veteran Member

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Penny,

If you look in the mirror and you see yourself as looking better, that is all that you need to know.

I can't help but wonder if he is just afraid you will attract somebody else and leave him. So, I think he wants you to gain weight so the threat of you leaving is less, at least in his drunk mind.

Honey, you just work on your own happiness. Make yourself feel good, fix your hair, put on your make up, dress up in something that makes you feel cute and the heck with his attempt to control and isolate you.

I think inside, he really is crapping a brick, worried about what is going to happen next, which explains why he says mean things. He wants to keep you isolated.

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Carrie



~*Service Worker*~

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What matters most is you. How you see you, how you love you. My journey has taught me that if I don't love me, then I am unable to give true love.

The words he speaks are the disease talking. And yes, I believe in the cliche that misery loves company, so our A(s) will do all they can to try and make
us feel as badly as they do.

We love you just as you are and accept you just as you are. Be happy in the moment and keep taking care of you. So long as I take care of me, mind
my own business, work this program/these steps and trust my HP, I feel and know I will be OK no matter what happens.

((((Hugs)))) to you!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Veteran Member

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My AW did the same thing. In rages she would say I was fat, or bring up my intimate preferences or experiences in ways that were meant to be degrading. Recently she said, "You are just not that great a catch." When she ended the relationship recently she made sure to throw in that she "hadn't been attracted to me for years" when that clearly wasn't true.

I think I look great and I have kept in shape with martial arts and I am naturally strong -- in my rational moments. When the disease sneaks up on me I start letting those tapes play: I am too old and unattractive, so no one will want to be with me again...I do not "deserve" to have deep and satisfying intimacy again...I am just plain ugly... It is so powerful when someone who has dug under your skin like a chigger and "knows" throws these knives with such precision. But I am starting to see that I am just a mirror. Not just for my ex AW, but for anyone in the world.

Sending hugs to someone who IS BEAUTIFUL....

Dawn

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Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it from without.  Buddha



Senior Member

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You lost 60 pounds? That is incredibly difficult to do. You should feel so proud!! I am sure deep down you know that was a huge accomplishment and you ARE. He is just trying to keep you down so you won't feel better about yourself and possibly leave him. Or distance yourself. These things keep us tied to them, always trying to win their affection. Anytime you lose weight that is attractive and great! Unless you have an eating disorder. Not the case here.. even though you know that, you may find healing in reminding yourself why he is really saying that. B/c he is unhappy. Has nothing to do with you at all.

I hope you find peace in the answers you got here.

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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Mother Teresa





Member

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Posts: 21
Date:

Thank you all so much for the replies. I have not been able to safely log in in a couple of days. Ah doesn't know I'm involved with al anon. He is at the bar again. Our son called him from the babysitters and asked him to pick him up when he plan was for the babysitter to watch him (by sitter is my dad who has been instructed not to allow him to call ah, but he forgot.) He texted me all belligerent asking why the f everytime he tries to go to the bar our son is calling him asking to be picked up. He was mad at ME that our son called him. I told him. It to let our six year old call the shots but he said "f it I'm gong to pick him up". And that's the last I've heard. He won't answer my calls or texts and he's not picked him up. Looks like the alcoholic behavior is truly ramping up again. I am resisting slipping into my pre al anon ways. My mind wants to freak out and wait by the phone and let him manipulate me but I keep trying to tell myself I can't control him. Or what he does. I'm going to go see if I can pick up my son before he does!

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Senior Member

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I'm sorry Penny. I'm trying to learn that the only thing that I can control about these situations is me.

Health is beautiful. Mental, spiritual and psychological health. I heard what he wants. Tell yourself what you want.

You look beautiful to me! You are part of my recovery - how could you be anything else?

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El infierno es la ausencia de la razón.
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