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Post Info TOPIC: Guilt


~*Service Worker*~

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Guilt


I am feeling very guilty about going back to work and leaving my son home a lot more in the future.  He is 16.5 but he has been my sidekick all these years as I homeschooled him, etc.  It will be a significant change for all of us and my XAH is making things more difficult because he's so emotional and caught up in his disease.  He's been projecting his issues onto our son and I just can't shake the guilt.  I need this job,  I need to get my foot in the door somewhere, and I need to build a resume and job skills.  This is necessary.  I knew I would go back to work when he was in college but that is 2 years away at this point so I guess I'm just getting a jump start on things.  Lots of changes and I'm trying very hard to keep the lines of communication open with my son.  

He has tennis planned for the summer, some tournament travel, and he will see his friends when he can.  His dad will be handling some of the driving him around while I'm getting situated at the new job but I still wonder how this will all play out.  One day at a time is the best I can do for myself today.  I am just so worried that I'm abandoning my kid when really what I'm trying to do is be responsible for myself.  UGH!

 



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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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I think you are doing a positive thing. He needs the independence anyhow and you wont be socked with as horrible an empty nest syndrome later because you will have much more going on in your life.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I so relate. I'm turning myself inside out trying to figure out whether or not I can take the classes I need to next semester, as daughter will be home alone in the afternoons some days; there's a great job vacancy near me specifically for a student in my course and it would be perfect but again, how can I leave a 12 year old alone in the mornings before school or in the evenings, damned if we do and damned if we don't huh?
But our kids do need to see us living in the real world and we need to progress and have lives....we probably dont teach them very good lessons by showing them that we are eternally housebound and only exist for them...sorry I'm not being very helpful as I am completely overwhelmed with the same fear and worry right now!!
I do know that the one thing we don't need to add to the mix is self doubt and guilt. You've made the best decisions you could for your son at every turn, and I bet this decision is no different.



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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My hunch is that this may be a blessing in disguise.  Sixteen is just the age when kids really begin to peel away from their parents, and if their parents aren't letting go themselves, that's when there's sulkiness and disagreement and silence and all, as a way of getting more distance.  My guess is that you would have begun to see increasing distance over the next year anyway.  So it's sort of ideal that it's happening just at this time.

Another thing is that in dysfunctional households, the more functional members can cling together in a sort of siege mentality.  Now that the A is out of your every day and minute, both of you will be able to relax. The situation becomes much less intense.  (I've found that an A makes a situation intense even if he's not physically in the room - just him doing his own A thing in the next room adds a layer of intensity and weirdness.)  But now you have your own place away from that and the siege mentality can fade away.  I'm sure it will feel strange at first in a way, but strange in a good way. 

At my university we have the occasional helicopter parent who tries to come with the kid to his first classes or come to office hours to argue about the kid's grade.  Knowing when to let go is a key thing which not all parents get the hang of.  But you're letting go gradually at just the right time - that's a gift rather than a problem.  Hugs!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Ask your sidekick to give you feedback also and listen.  I use to counsel teens and younger and their parents and such...They are not blind, dumb and without good stuff and they love to share what they know when asked; at least the ones I worked with.  Start out with "I need some help on something.  Will you help me out"?  If he is your sidekick the outcome should be positive and in your favor.  Give it a try and post back.    (((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you everyone for your input. I know I'm doing the right thing. My XAH called me selfish the other day and it really sent me into a need to work a step 4 and then a step 9 and step 10 and step 11, LOL, on all of this. My new boss is so excited to have me start working because he's been doing the job of 3 people for 4 months now and is completely overwhelmed. He seems like an easy to get along with guy and I'm looking forward to learning a new skill and to meeting new people.

I have talked to my son about the job thing and he knows that we will be re-evaluating everything as we move through the summer. He knows that I am working hard to make sure that his life doesn't change too much, but he accepts that I have to go back to work, too. He actually is OK, but I think he's stressing because my XAH brings my son into the issues constantly.

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Let your son Side-kick know that you have support from others and that he can also read and learn from the board and the program.   Do a 12th with him with what you have already learned  and see what he does with it.   He is old enough for Alateen and Al-Anon might as well let them meet and then step out of the way.   This works when you work it...that you already know.    In support (((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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At this point you also have to really, really trust in your HP. Karma, fate, whatever it is, will have your back. You just have to do the next right thing and not worry over the details. Your HP will be there with you every step of the way. And your son's HP will be there too.

Trust.


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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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(((hugs)))
Changes are hard, and when our choices impact other people who depends on us, they are even harder.
I do think this is a good thing for you and your son. He can develop independence and responsibility at home, and will be less likely to fall flat on his face when he goes to college. I see a lot of college students who struggle academically because they cannot figure out the independence and responsibility aspects of living away from home. Allowing him to develop those skills with a safety net at home is a great parenting move, in my opinion.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Maryjane and Skorpi. You guys are right. HP is always there guiding us and leading us in His will, not ours, so I have to remember to turn it all over. And, yes, maybe these changes will help him take more responsibility so that when/if he goes to college or the real world, he will be more prepared.

It's funny but my X said recently, "This is not life you. I'm totally surprised that you would be willing to leave him home alone like that. Whatever happened to your helicopter parenting? What is wrong with you?" Again, that was the alcoholic trying to bait me, make me feel guilty, and trying to start a fight. UGH. I know this job needs to happen and I know I need the income to help my bottom line so that I don't completely drain my savings in 2 years especially since I agreed to a lesser amount from my X when it came to spousal support AND child support numbers.

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

He's going to try to make u feel bad no matter what you do though, right?
I think it sounds like a positive move and you so deserve to let yourself feel some excitement about it instead of guilt.



__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Senior Member

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I agree with everyone else...don't feel guilty! You are doing something positive for you and your son.

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Veteran Member

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Pinkchip has such a great point, about Empty Nest Syndrome. I love the advice that having your own schedule!

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Carrie

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