Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

hopefull2015 · Member

Al-Anon meetings

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Hopeful welcome back. I am so pleased that you found Al-Anon meetings are attending and you feel that your life is going in the right direction. Good work. I live in New York City where there are tons of meetings and is great deal of anonymity. I do understand your predicament living in a small town with only a few people attending.

I'm glad you have one person that you can connect with even though it seems as if the relationship is one-sided and focused more towards AA.

We do have online meetings here each day. And here's the schedule

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.
After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.

The chat room is open 24 seven and just maybe you can find connections that will work for you. I'm so happy that you are working the steps as those are the key to recovery.

Please keep coming back

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome hopeful - so glad you came back by!

I am a double-winner (AA & Alanon) and so is my sponsor. It is certainly easier for us to cross lines in conversation since we are both in both.

I am one who has had several sponsors over the years for a variety of reasons - moves, deaths, outgrow one another, etc.

Stay true to your program and trust in your HP and the answers will come - I do believe that for all of us!

I do attend the meetings here (heading there now) - they are great! Stop on by!

Make it a great day!

ntd2001 · Veteran Member

Hi Hopeful, glad you found a face to face meeting.

I have limited access to face to face meetings for a variety of meetings, so a resource I use in addition to what Betty and Iamhere suggested (which is a wonderful resource), is something known as meetings. They are Al-Anon meetings by conference call, and I've found them invaluable. There are several meetings a day, and you can ask for phone numbers and some people even offer to be sponsors. And like the chatroom here and this activeboard, it is available 24/7 for open sharing and reading from Al-Anon literature.

This is the link to the main phone line: phonemeetings.org

Good luck! Thanks so much for posting, and please keep coming back.

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 22nd of May 2015 05:40:43 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Hopefull...welcome back. You're working it by reaching out for support like this and you're moving forward; what courage (to change the things you can) and what determination and you're staying out of the alcoholics responsibilities and consequences at the same time. It sounds like the perception of where you are at and what you need next is right on...check your relationship with your HP daily as that is where restoration takes off...for me that is. Your perceptions of your relationship with your AA sponsor is clear and honest you don't need more proof that further change is necessary there without fear of how she will take it. I learned to say "thank you for your support" before separation and then move on. I still retain the relationships just not the purpose. I don't know how long you've been in program. After being in program for a while one of the responsibilities I took on was public information (PI) which was reaching out to others including rehabs and hospitals and giving them the information of what we were, where we were at and what we did. This included counselors and I took Al-Anon approved literature with me. We also invited other professionals and such to our meetings so they could see what went on without attempting to sell their services to the group. The process grew our program in a 5 county area and many were and still are being helped. That also helped me to grow my own recovery in leaps and bounds. Consider it a possibility.

I am also a "double" like many others here. I was born and raised in the disease and know it intimately...I also drank actively and alcoholically and participated in it that way until I could no longer and miraculously found the doors of the AFG and then AA also. I've been in program a long time and my sponsor is younger than I with good recovery. He fills the suggestion of "Get a sponsor" and the relationship is mutually healing...I don't actively sponsor him however he uses my ESH when he hears me speak of it including positive outcomes. Old guys like myself are passing on and passing on the program before we leave is for me the best 12step practice. The alcohol industry is not cutting back nor should I when given the opportunity by my HP.

All of the previous suggestions are helpful including your own "what works for me"...keep on keeping on. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

hopefull2015 · Member

Thanks everyone for the replies and there are some great suggestions I can use here.

Today's meeting was really bad and was almost a repeat of a meeting we had a month ago.

The Al-anon meetings in our small town were started by my sponsor and her husband. He is al-Anon. She is AA but attends Al-anon once in a while as an ACOA, though I'm starting to think she only attends to keep tabs on what he says about her and how he runs the meeting.

Yesterday it was the two of them and me. Uncomfortable, but I tried to keep an open mind.

They argued the entire time, I was afraid to speak. I did share briefly about "anonymity' as that had been on my mind and came up in some reading we did, but I felt really awkward, no relief at all.

The only thing I got out of it was an understanding of how uncomfortable my husband and I have probably made other people in the past when we've argued publicly.

I wanted to leave, but of course me and my issues about upsetting people, I sat in my seat, frozen.

Then after the meeting she asked when I would have time to meet with her this week, like nothing strange had just happened!

I said I would have to check my schedule, made an excuse to leave quickly and fled.

I now have a message ready in my phone for when she sends me a text as I don't want to be stuck chatting with her or having to meet with her. She's a very strong personality and I have issues saying no so I'm prepared.

I feel some relief as I am ready now and it's made me realize how stressful this situation was getting.

I will be joining the MIP meetings and hanging out here a bit and let my HP help me decide if there's any way to continue the F2F meetings here, I do think I should take a break from them though as now I feel like I will only go so as not to disappoint anyone.

I did get a lot of the meetings and the books they loaned to me that I will return (awkward) but now I think I just want to work the program here and with a Therapist (safer)

I feel bad writing this, they are nice people who I am sure are trying to do a good thing but I just feel stuck.

Thanks again for being here!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Are there any other towns you can travel to,
That have alanon meetings?

hopefull2015 · Member

Hi Mirandac,

The easiest way for me to explain is to say that the nearest meeting would be a plane trip away.

It might be that once I end our sponsor-sponsee relationship she might take a moment to reflect and see what happened and perhaps stop coming to the al-anon meeting.
I know I'm not at my best when my spouse is around either.

The meeting would then be her husband, myself and whoever else drops by, that might be ok, it had been for the short while I have been going, maybe I have just got all I ever will from the f2f meetings available here.
I'm thinking more and more about alternatives and online meetings sound good. I can continue to journal my Step work alone.

hopefull2015 · Member

And thank you.

I think I just needed to organize my thoughts.

I was sitting and thinking about it and wondering if it was just me or if other people would find the situation weird.

I went to Al-Anon to connect with people who would understand a particular problem, but then who to turn to when the people at Al-Anon become another problem?

It was just odd and then all the while I have this lady pressuring me to make an appointment for my step 5. She hasn't come out and said it but she asks when we'll get together.
Step 5 is a big deal to trust someone with so I'm glad I've realized that my first instincts about her when I first met her were right, before I took the plunge and told her my life story.
I guess at least I gave her a chance and now I just have to calmly and politely handle the "break up."

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

hopeful - I think your plan sounds great! If the F2F is not working for you, then by all means, willingness to try another way makes perfect sense to me.

I have to admit that based on what you've written, I would have also been uncertain and uncomfortable.

Perhaps over time more resources will become available to you. Make it a great day and trust your HP to get you what you need!

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hopeful,

Something that really helped me before I started attending meetings, and even to this day when I have a regular meeting, was reading Al-Anon literature. If you have a public library, they might have some of the books such as "How Al-Anon Works," or be able to order them from another library. Librarians normally are very conscious of the privacy of library users. Or if funds are not an issue, you could order books online. I like the daily readers such as "Courage to Change," but I also like longer books that go in depth and have many personal sharings from people of all situations. If you like reading, that could be a comfort to you as a supplement to meetings.

Saucy · Veteran Member

Hi Hopeful,

From what you describe, that situation would feel really uncomfortable and weird to me.

I know for me, I would need to feel as though I can trust my sponsor, rather than feel that she is attempting to "out" me as an alcoholic, when I am not an alcoholic. Gosh, maybe she feels embarrassed that her husband has said things about her and she needs to put you at her level. In any event, that would be beyond weird and make me want to flee.

I am so happy you came here, rather than just write off the whole idea of Al Anon.

I hope you keep posting.

hopefull2015 · Member

Hi,

Iamhere, Freetime and Saucy; thanks for the validation and comments.

Saucy, you said something that I thought when I first met this lady; that she would be feeling insecure about what her husband had said to me. I think it is probably the real source of the problem. I don't blame her for that because if I reverse the situation I would definitely feel like that too and goodness only knows how I would handle it, or not!
Definitely lovely people and they have helped me a lot but I think the situation is just really awkward for all involved so I'll just bow out as gracefully and be grateful for what I learned.

Freetime, I have read all the books you mentioned and they were very helpful. I do love reading!

Thanks again everyone!

Saucy · Veteran Member

She would kind of have to feel really "targeted" given the fact that it was just you and her husband. I believe, were it a larger group, there would be much less feeling insecure.

Last night, my husband decided to read my post, that I was posting on here. It really made me feel like he was crossing a line. This is a place for me to share and learn, without his approval, or judgement or accusations that I am making time with other guys.

Kind of like your meetings are a place for her husband to talk, without all of those things.

I do not ask my hubby about his AA meetings (well, he only went to two of them) but I kind of figure, that is HIS journey and something I need to let him walk on his own.

If I were you, I would feel awkward having her there, yet I understand her feelings. She must be so insecure. (but then again... that is HER stuff, right? )

hopefull2015 · Member

Yes to all of that.

I think this is the thing with Al-Anon. It's great but of course the husband or the wife feels some sense of betrayal.

I know we're not there to talk about them so much but of course they inevitably come up.

I told my husband I was going to meetings, because he picks up on any change in my mood and always suspects cheating. Recently when I mentioned I had a meeting he asked "Is that the meeting about me being an alcoholic?" I answered that it was Al-Anon and I didn't know if he was an alcoholic or not but that the people at Al-Anon were good people for me to talk to about my problems and that I thought it would probably be good for our marriage. He's away working so this was all online messaging.
We left it at that and I've no idea what he thinks about that. I'm not bringing up anything to do with drinking at the moment but of course I don't hide what I'm doing.

Saucy · Veteran Member

Isn't that interesting, Hopeful? Your AH and my AH both use a page from the same book with their suspicions of cheating.

LOL! Like I seriously want to bring even more chaos in my already ridiculous life?

It is THEIR stuff, not ours. I do not chase about like a crazy rabbit trying to find out "what women looked like" that he had to speak with during the day. He is so insecure about himself, that he has to be reassured all the time.

Oddly, it never dawns on me to ask those kinds of questions.

But I have learned to keep my mouth shut if I have to go visit a client that is a single male, it sends him into orbit. Or, I tell him the client is a woman, or a married man. It just is not worth the grilling.

Still, I always feel like I have to laugh when he questions me about it. Like, if I were GOING to cheat, and I wanted to keep it a secret, then that is what I would do, so what is the point of the question? Seems like a massive amount of stupidity, because I would not tell him anyway.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hopeful, what I want to pass onto you is this: I had a wonderful friend who got more out of our discussions than I ever intended - I would vent and she would listen, the conversation would eventually turn and she would relay to me the effect MY WORDS had on her, how much my thinking made a difference in her life - she was a LONG time member of AA and my experiences brought her into a more Al-Anon way of thinking. You don't know what YOUR words and experiences may do for your sponsor!

God put me there, in my friends kitchen, to give her just as much as I was getting.

EVERYTHING is part of our recovery - everything is useful to someone, in some way, shape or form.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Trying to explain it all doesn't help hopefull and it sounds like you're right in the center of the disease with others affected by it. For me I read "set boundaries" state them clearly and follow thru with them. That is what I had to do as a newbie in the program and the program had to set boundaries with me also because I was forward and out spoken. If something seemed not right to me I would speak up without concern to others feelings. Often I was as a newbie outside of the principles of the program however after learning to keep coming back, listen with an open mind and practice it got better for me. Learning how to keep at arms length from sick people was part of what the program attendance was for me so it was practice, practice, practice. Fear is natural in any new situations and it isn't terminal. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Cassidy · Newbie

Hi Hopeful I need to introduce myself as this is my first post because I have only just joined the online group. Funny I should pick this thread as I know how you are feeling. I am away from my home at present, travelling and working a bit. I seperated from my husband 3 years ago next August. He was not my alcoholic but he was a very controlling workaholic and I allowed my life to descend into a kind of hell. I had to move away from the place I had lived in all my life (Iwas 59 when I moved) and I knew nobody at all in my new place. I joined a meeting that only had about 4 or 5 members. Things were ok at first although I was aware that so small a group might throw up some problems. My instincts were right. There was little recovery in the group and eventually I felt like the odd one out. (I have been in Al-anon over 20 years but no expert - I have managed to completely avoid my 4th step even after all this time) I used to go to a bigger, city centre meeting and this was very healthy. I felt that anything I said in the meeting was wrong. As though I was either boring people or sounding like a hard line cynic. Other things happened and I started to feel very uneasy and as though I wasn't wanted there. I tried to ask myself what my part in this was but I had no real answer. It was making me increasingly uneasy and a bit depressed really and I eventually reluctantly decided to stop going. Even though I had no other group to go to.I have felt much better since and would like to say always, when I act on trusting my own judgement, things work out well. I have excellent judgment when it comes to intuitive things and must learn more to trust myself. I hope this helps

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome cassidy to MIP - so glad you are here!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Cassidy and welcome to the board also. ((((hugs)))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene