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Post Info TOPIC: Fake Happiness


Member

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Posts: 5
Date:
Fake Happiness


I didn't have any idea how listening to others' experiences would bring so many memories and emotions to the surface.  Wow! 

A good friend of mine called me. I told her that I found Al-Anon and how amazed and grateful I am that a group can be so inspiring and supportive.  Than I told her that my ex-boyfriend is an A.  She had no idea!  Why did I feel so much shame telling her about the issues in my relationship before?  Why did I always pretend we were happy?  How did I end up in such a dysfunctional relationship with so many codependent attributes?  Why did I lose myself? 

I recognize patterns where I would playfully tease him or ask him to change his behavior, like speak with a softer voice (he was a loud talker), and he would completely shut down. He didn't like to be criticized or he would drink and give me the silent treatment (bottling it up then leading to an explosion when we were in private).  I learned to avoid communicating my needs or anything that suggested he change, it was like walking on eggshells. 

I can see exactly how I fell into the dysfunction and it's not all my fault! We both contributed to our weird co-dependent-like relationship.  The best part is that I can see that it doesn't have to be like that anymore.  I don't have to lose myself.  I can communicate my needs directly!   So, as crappy as it feels to relive old memories, it feels good to process the emotions, look for patterns, let go of the toxic feelings and move on.  Watch out world, I'm taking my life back! 

Much love for the support! 



__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 76
Date:

Ms Robot,
Hopefully we can all remember what it is like to be happy and not have to fake it.
This whole idea of living for ourselves and not for our alcoholic loves is a good one.
I used to be worried about going out to a meeting because he would want to play 20 question with me when I came home.
Now, he can lump it.

__________________

Carrie



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Sounds like a whole lot of growth and insight in a short period of time. Way to go!!!

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

I appreciate the shares and the ESH. Light bulb moments or spiritual experiences (I prefer the latter) are so awakening and refreshing....it's almost as if we just woke up from a long dream.

The more confidence I gain in making my own decisions, the more freedom I have from the burden of before.

Thanks for sharing and make it a great day!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Hi Ms Robot It does sound as if you:" Kept an open mind "at your first meetings and were able to connect with and process the important recovery tool of identifying with others and gaining insight Good work

When I first, found Al-Anon meetings I too discovered that my survival tools were very ineffective. I made myself invisible,, pretended all was well and denied reality. This appeared to be the best course of action. As I did not know what else to do while living with and dealing with the disease of alcoholism. I do love your sign-on name as I too feel as if I became robotlike in my responses because I had shut down my feelings.Al-Anon offered me a different way and I am eternally grateful.

Breaking the isolation caused by the disease, keeping the focus on myself, not reacting but acting in my own best interest, working the steps and placing principles above personalities has caused my life to blossom and all my relationships to improve. Please keep coming back



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 295
Date:

Wow. Can I ever relate!! I sometimes under my breath say "I deserve an academy award for best actress". I love that you are taking your life back - I need to do this also, no matter how mad it makes my AH...the hypocrisy is tearing away at me...thank you for much needed inspiration today :)

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Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:

I keep asking myself why I stayed with him for 8 years. If I was so unhappy, and pretending to be happy, why did I stay?

The truth is, I was such a good actress (well said Fairlee), I fooled myself into believing I was happy. I gained 45 pounds because I found comfort in food (sadly, food is just a temporary fix and I often left me feeling gross and worthless). I just found a photo from March 2013 and I can finally see how sick and unhappy I was. It took two years, but I've lost the weight - dropped 6 sizes and as weird as it is to say, I love the way I look and feel and no longer use food as a way to numb my feelings.

Today's face to face meeting we talked about love. I listened as others shared about not hearing the words "I love you" from a parent, of deeply rooted abandonment issues, about fear of never feeling good enough, and of love being utilized as a reward for good behavior in the home i.e. something that you have to earn. Once again, my emotions came to the surface and another light bulb went off! I stayed with A for so long because of my fear of abandonment! Of course! He was safe and he would never leave me, in that regard, it was really easy. I enabled him to drink because I didn't want to rock the boat and didn't want him to leave me. It makes perfect sense! But why?

Why do I have a fear of abandonment? And better yet, now that I know I have this fear, what can I do about it? I'm sure it has something to do with my parents' divorce and my dad's nonexistent communication style. I purchased a book on the subject and will be diving in to explore more in the next week or two. This self-discovery is really empowering. I'm hopeful that I will stop sabotaging my relationships and trust my intuition as I prepare myself for the next chapter in my life.

Thanks everyone! Love to you all!



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 99
Date:

That is interesting. In my relationship I was the one who was always shutting down. I know that partly it was because of the coping mechanisms I learned to deal with my dad's explosive temper. Then my ex AW also had an explosive temper, and at first I was able to ride through it (at the time I thought it was from brain damage and only later realized it had to do with alcoholism. But it got to the point where I would shut down even when she had reasonable requests because I was waiting for the other shoe to fall, so to speak. This is one (of a number) of regrets I have. I believe when I make it to the stage where I do my inventory I will be looking at this.

So anyway, the whole shutting down topic is interesting: who does it, why, and whether better tools can be learned.

__________________

Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it from without.  Buddha

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