The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ok, I'm new to this idea of a support group, but here I go...
Nobody in my family has ever been an alcohoholic and most are only social drinkers as am I. However, my friend is. We were married long time ago and have always
been friends, and he did drink way back then but nothing enough to be considered that he was an alcoholic. Now, he has truly gone over the edge, nearly died in the
process, and of course thats where I came back into the picture. So here I am trying to learn what I'm supposed to do to deal with this in a manner that doesn't encourage him
but still show I care. I put him in the hospital and he did the detox thing, came out and spent a few weeks with me until he got his own place. Then he left the state as
his father is dieing of cancer and of course the whole family was happy he was sober and that I was the "angel" that got him sober. They (the relatives) had refused to
help him as they went through this with his mother for many many years, (genetic, I know) 4 months now and he's had numerous set backs. The family refuses to talk
to him again and I'm the only one with any communication with him. He knows he needs AA, he was 15 years sober until this past year. I don't nag at him in the least about
the AA thing, its his decison, but I'm going to be on summer break in a couple weeks and I told him I'd come and visit. He was doing so well, got a job, was taking care of
his dad and then of course it happened, the nipping the bottle from time to time, and it all begins. He uses excuses like his dad is dieing, and then of couse he lost his job,
so that was another excuse and numerous other excuses I've lost track of. I've had a happy and successful life without him and very soon to be retired and there are
absolutely no intentions of getting remarried. Of course I realize when he talks about that its the booze talking and I've told him certainly that would never happen.
I don't nag him about drinking but I do acknowledge to him that I know he's drunk. How do I mentally support him so that someday he will decide to step through that
door and get back into AA. And what about my wine, am I suppose to hide it? He's not a wine drinker but somehow it just seems ludicrous. When he stayed with me
for the 3 weeks after the hospital I just didn't have any in the house and that was ok but what about when I go to social gatherings and they serve wine or other drinks.
Am I suppose to turn them down just for him? He was banned from his own daughters wedding because its an open bar and she was afraid of the embarrassment. So
there he uses that as another excuse. I say nothing. He isn't a violent drunk, he's the kind that just gets sloppy and passes out, which he doesn't remember.
There is so much more I could express but enough is enough and I'm certainly you all have heard all the stories. I do believe in one day at a time, but then sometimes
we start over. I read that somewhere and it feels true.
Welcome Maggie's mom, I'm glad that you found us and reached out for the support that is so important when dealing with the disease of alcoholism. The first thing I needed to accept was that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that could be arrested and never cured. Since this is a disease, I also had to accept that I did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. In other words, I'm powerless over the disease.
Living with, and coping with the insanity of this disease causes many of us to develop negative coping tools that causes us to lose the focus on ourselves, our self-esteem and self-worth.
Al-Anon is a recovery program that has been set up to help us let go of these negative tools and develop new constructive tools to live by. Attending face-to-face meetings that are held in most communities helps to break the isolation and provides a place to receive the support while we recover.
There is hope and you are not alone so please keep coming back
Welcome!
I sure feel that, one day at a time, and sometimes we start fresh.
I certainly have lost focus of myself, and immersed myself in trying to help my A get sober. That hard part for me about that is that she doesn't WANT to be sober, and I cannot give her that WANT. I am powerless over her drinking. I didn't make her start to drink, and I cannot make her stop.
What I am learning in AlAnon is that, despite the fact that I am powerless over her and her drinking, I am NOT powerless over my actions and reactions, and I can focus on myself and my well being.
I hope you keep coming back, and that you find a face to face meeting that works for you. (My favorite is a brown bag meeting, people come late, leave early, and sometimes we are a mighty group of three. There is power in larger meetings, too. It is all about finding your meeting match.)
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi Maggie's Mom, and Hotrod. I am also new and just signed up tonight.
I have read a few of the threads on here, and think this could be a pretty good place to come to help my feelings of anger and resentment, and maybe learn a little about myself.
Welcome, Saucy!
I hope you find the peaceful empowerment in the board that I have found. Please keep coming back.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I have been reading the posts. I see a lot of advice to go to face to face meetings. I went. But when I got home, I found a drunk husband who was accusing me of meeting men (or at least being attracted to men) at the meeting, and he was all paranoid that I was talking about him.
Honestly, I was at the end of my rope and could not even speak during the meeting because I was afraid I would burst into tears.
Nobody even tried to pry into my life, they just said that coming to the meetings helped them. Nobody asked me to speak, so I was free to sit there and try not to bawl my eyes out.
When the meeting was over, people were just standing around talking and told me to come back.
I had been embarrassed that I did not know to bring cash.
Then I went to a different meeting that took place at 11:00 in the morning, once a week. I could make that one every other week, and that group was really awesome, everybody there was so positive and happy. It was a wonderful group, and I went to about 3 of the meetings before we moved. I have not been back to a meeting since.
I wish they had some at a workable hour in my town, because they are helpful.
first meeting is on us... don't worry about not having cash... and don't worry about crying in a meeting. I've been to meetings where people walk in and just sit and cry for the whole hour and say nothing and that's JUST FINE.
my last meeting we must have gone through an entire box of tissues.... tears mean we are alive.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Welcome maggiesmom - glad you are here and reaching out for help.
This disease is progressive and it's easy to get sucked in. Alanon is a savior for those who embrace it, work the steps and seek support and sponsorship.
While we can care about an active user, we can't cure them. I have found in my experience that detachment is much easier when they don't live in my home...
Local F2F meetings, if possible, would be helpful. There are two here each day as well and through the program, fellowship and steps, I have learned to set boundaries that
protect me and help me keep my sanity and peace (most days).
So very glad you are here and make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi there Maggiesmom! I was immediately drawn to your post because I am new to this also. This is my very first day at reaching out for help with my AH. I wish I could help you but I'm not sure what to tell you other than you are not alone. Learning today that so many people have the same or worse scenario has given me a little extra strength. However, I'm still trying to figure out specifically what "detachment" means when you live with the A 24/7. I get the premise and understand what it means but I need examples and specifics. It sounds to me like you may be looking for the some of the same answers even though you don't live with yours. We know we can't control them or their actions. All we can do is learn how to change our roll, whatever it is that we play, in hopes that they will follow suit. It's obvious you care about him very much. I hope you keep coming back and hopefully, together we will find our answers. Hugs!
Welcome Cawsgirl
Detachment is complicated and each one defines it in there own way. To me , in essence it is a means of separating my feelings from that of others. When I do that I can begin to recover my true feelings and know what I need. I stop trying to please people, change them or manipulate them to do what I want.
Detachment requires that I keep the focus completely on myself, determine my own responsibilities in a situation by examining my feelings ,my motives, and my responsibilities- remembering that I am powerless over another and that stop trying to act in a manner that will please them or make them act in a certain manner.
That I determine what I want and need in a situation, place my principles above everyone's personalities and act in a constructive manner instead of reacting.
Before I could use this tool effectively I needed to attend many alanon meeting use the slogans such as: live one day at a time, prayer, focus on myself, stop judging and blaming Then I was ready to move to detachment . It is all a process. Keep coming back
I hope you will find a meeting, because the program is too complicated to explain in one post, and a lot of it consists of practicing and practicing the tools, rather than just getting instructions.
Your most urgent question is how do you support him to get sober?
I'm afraid that if there were a way to make someone get sober, we would have found it by now. Al-Anon has the three C's: we did not Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it.
They have to want sobriety, and they come to that realization, if they do, in their own time. The sad fact is that the majority of them never come to that realization. With my own A, I kept thinking, "It's only a matter of time." But it wasn't. He never has gotten sober.
There is no way we can make their drinking better, but there is a way we can effectively make it worse. That is to give them a soft landing and prevent them from seeing the consequences of their drinking. When we cover up for them, or compensate for the job they've lost or the people they've alienated or the money they've spent, then that delays their coming to see the problems that drinking is causing them.
There is also one way we can affect their future for the better. Alcoholism causes turmoil in everyone around it, and when we're involved, we need recovery too. Sometimes when we get into our own recovery and work it hard, the dynamic changes enough where they can no longer drink comfortably. And sometimes, just sometimes, they start recovery too, and stay in it.
I hope you'll look into the program deeply and find a meeting and keep coming back to us here.
Betty, you are so awesome. I need to learn a lot more about detachment, especially that judging and blaming part.
Here is my example of detachment: My AH gets so drunk, that he passes out on the toilet. It used to upset me greatly, and I would go get him and take him to bed. Then he would snore so much that I could not sleep, besides the fact that I was deeply upset over the fact that he was drunk, once again.
Now, I just let him sleep there for hours. If he gets hemorrhoids from sitting there so long, that is a consequence he has to deal with.
I am detached from his consequences. (I am also relieved he is not bothering me while I enjoy the entire bed to myself and the peace and quiet, while he is in the bathroom).
While I resist the urge to go kick him off the toilet, I am not gonna lie. I do HOPE that he falls off, and hits his eye on the bathtub on the way down, giving himself a black eye. I would not feel bad for him if people saw his black eye and asked him what happened. The bad part, is that I would chuckle.
Now this is where I am going to strive to be more like Betty, because so long as I am HOPING he falls off the toilet, I am not detached. I'm just allowing his actions to make me mean spirited.
Saucy, I would chuckle too, in fact I'm chuckling at myself as I read all this about detachment. I practiced that way back when the xA and I were married and he was just the weekend drunk. He'd pass out in the recliner while I was cooking dinner and as his restless leg syndrome would kick in he would wiggle out of the recliner and end up on the floor. I would eat
my dinner, turn off the tv and all the lights and go to bed. Now that we are just dear friends and he lives a state away we text and call. Of course I can tell either way when he's been
drinking, even with the texting because he'll use voice text and then it reads a little weird. I detach by setting my phone on quiet hours and it sends an auto-reply that says I'm busy.
This tends to catch his attention and he'll sulk for a day. Gives me a break and I get some sleep without the "ping" of the phone waking me up. One day at a time.
Maggiesmom,
Did you ever feel like drinking yourself, just so you could be drunk to show him how it feels? UGH, I learned a long time ago not to bother with that, he can drink me under the table, and most of the time before I even feel drunk, I feel like I want to vomit.
I think I want to teach him a lesson. But, no lesson will be learned. And the only one I learn is that I just do not understand what is so stinkin fun about being drunk.
Would it be easier if we could understand why that is so appealing?
Haha, maybe, maybe not.
I do find myself quite inspired, there are a few people here who are really amazing at detachment, and that is where I want to be.
I just wanted to chime in and say that I, too, have felt like "showing him how it feels." I didn't think of getting drunk, but I obsessed for quite a while on the idea of smashing lots of wine bottles... with the intention that he would understand how the drinking hurt me and come to his senses. I couldn't think of a way to smash those bottles in a way that I wouldn't have to clean up the mess myself.
I'm thankful that I didn't do it, but found Al-Anon instead. I realized that anything I did would not make him change.
I also can relate to the passing out in embarrassing situations, and in fact my AH wound up having seizures and falling out of bed, or out of chairs ... getting not just a black eye, but injuries that needed hospitalization.
Anyway, I am also here to say you are not alone. Detachment -- especially that idea of detachment with love -- has been a long time coming for me, too, but I am making progress. Something that helped me was the idea that detachment did not mean rejecting my AH, but it did mean putting my own serenity first.
My AH is no longer in the home, because he is too sick and requires more care than can be provided at home. He has ruined his health and lost his independence. BUT ... I am finding serenity. I am meeting others who understand what I have gone through, and show me that serenity is possible. I have discovered a new set of friends, and re-discovered old friends who do understand.
