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With much hesitation I dated a recovering alcoholic for the past 4.5 years. It was initially a bumpy ride and has intermittently been that way for the past couple years. He will engage in behaviors that start arguments such as saying provocative things to me, being extremely irritable etc. I had broken up with him after the first six months. He begged me to stay, entered therapy, promised to resolve. He has a very good side I do love him. Recently he was just cruel. He pulled abuse out of my past and threw it in my face citing extreme concerns about me. It was nuts. I have begun to loose my temper and feel almost as bad as he is regarding behavior. I am wondering what common behaviors of recovering alcoholics is? I am at a loss, very sad. throwing abuse I experienced 35 years ago in my face was beyond belief, it hurt. I felt nuts as the way it was done caused me to really relive the abuse on some level. Being an attorney he would have some idea how to use words. Please advise.
You do not mention if you have experience in Alanon or not. My suggestions would be to explore the F2F (Face to Face) meetings that may be around your area.
We are all here working to learn how to find peace and serenity in spite of alcohol(ics) and their actions.
Living with this disease affects more than the problem user. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. Alanon will arm you with tools to help cope when things are unexpected and help you find peace and serenity in spite of others.
There is no one size fits all when examining the behaviors of those afflicting with the disease. It's complex and progressive. Again, welcome aboard and let us know if you've got any exposure to Alanon.
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That sounds like my ex A,except he was drinking.From what I have experienced and learned, if he is truly working a program of recovery,all areas of his life should get better including the way he treats people.
Thank you. Going to meeting next week and a therapist. Think I am done. Just too much defensiveness and now plain mean. I am trying to understand and detach
That is good decision making...get around others who know how to and have the experiences that can and will help. If he knows the words and uses them at you think about the little "Sticks and stones children rhyme" My elder sponsor reminded me of that rhyme when I had a discussion about this subject and out of the air he pulled , "So words can hurt you". They will when I give them the power to and her the opportunity. If it is bordering on verbal, mental, emotional abuse stick with the help and support including MIP. Welcome to the board. (((((Hugs)))))
Recovering alcoholics may have some similarities, but there is a WHOLE lot of variety. Relationships are sometimes complicated and when people argue and are incompatible in the end, it usually does get ugly. Behavior in a relationship that is not quite clicking or that is not clicking at all isn't really the best judge of what "a person is like." It is pretty easy to say some traits and common behaviors of an active alcoholic. Recovering...Well that depends on the quality of their recovery, what they were like to begin with, what their values are, and in what context you are interacting with the person. I can say that I have seen nastiness and low blows come out when people in general go through break ups and relationship struggles and that is usually the main cause (though not always).
Sorry your relationship with the recovering alcoholic you met is not working out. I am with a recovering alcoholic too. In a few weeks we'll celebrate five years of being with one another. He's a member of AA and attends meetings regularly. I attend Alanon meetings weekly. We're grateful for these programs because they keep us conscious of how we show up with one another and with other people.
If your abf is sober and has been throughout your four and a half years together, he is making conscious choices about how he behaves just like you are. That's my belief anyway. I think when someone is still drinking, their behaviors and thinking are skewed because they're under the influence of alcohol. When we're working a 12 step program we're under the influence of a loving higher power. This would mean we're recovering our own self worth, self respect and experiencing gratitude. From that place we can see in others a right to respect and value them as worthy of good treatment.
For me, there's no excuse for mistreating anyone. Digging up your old wounds the way he has and using them as a weapons to hurt you means he's got a bunch of recovery work to do.
You can decide what you're willing to live with. But his being an alcoholic is not the reason for his behaviors. If it was, all of our responses to this would be exactly the same. He can make changes to how he acts if he wants to. Somewhere he learned to communicate in that way. Maybe in his family growing up. Sounds like you may need to decide on some boundaries that will keep you emotionally safe and be prepared to follow through on them if he continues to act that way.
You just may find you get sick of him and you dump him. (((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you. Some of the behaviors seem more just odd like excessive defensiveness regardless of how things are phrased, blaming, anger. I am trying to put in perspective. I ended because of the behaviors. Just trying to cope.
He says he is. He attends one meeting a week. He used to attend more but the meetings are cancelled. I emailed him an apology for saying some things I did To him. I reacted to being hurt in a very negative way as I said in my post. Still, hurt or not, there was no excuse. He did not respond. I also asked him if he could schedule to get his stuff. He did not respond to me but texted my daughter and asked her how she was. I thought maybe I sounded like I was jabbing at him when I asked him about getting his stuff so I apologized in the event he took it as jabbing This feels nuts. I am starting to feel empathy for him. It must be hard to carry around so much anger inside. I do not know how well he is working his program. I have always left that to him. I am looking forward to attending an alanon meeting. I have found this board helpful I have read a little and find it brings a small sense of control.
Dear ABS, dealing with the disease of alcoholism is extremely confusing.
Focusing on how the other is feeling, disregarding our own feelings, making ourselves invisible, taking care of others instead of ourselves, are old destructive tools that developed as a result of living with this disease.
I have learned in Al-Anon that is perfectly fine to have empathy and compassion for everybody, especially alcoholic but this compassion,and empathy, does not mean that I make my needs and boundaries invisible so that they can survive.
It appears that you made amends to him for any hurt that you may have caused, and have drawn a boundary about asremovingn his things. Alcoholics do like to manipulate and denyreality. So that hisis contacting your daughter and disregarding your requesst looks like his way of attempting to maintain the relationship in some way.
Second-guessing ourselves is also a destructive tool we develop. I do hope you find Al-Anon meetings and attend. You are not alone and developing new constructive tools to live by. It is imperative
My wife and I are communicating our programs with my daughter-in-law the abandoned wife of an active alcoholic/addict my eldest son. We have gotten her literature and we share recovery with her while and if she starts meetings...she has got a full plate and might need to move some stuff off to add meetings however what you mention here about the behavior of your alcoholic especially with your daughter is a duplicate of what he is doing...alcoholic patronization in the family is about making you the bad guy while he attempts to polish his false image in front of others who are more neutral. Your daughter has her own reality and may share it with you when she feels the need to. Be patient and work your program. When you find yourself reacting to it or him it means he's "gotcha". Stop it like you are stopping it now...reaching out to others who have been where you are at...take what you like, leave the rest. Don't react!! ((((hugs))))
Ugh, you remind me of me pre AlAnon. I was ALWAYS giving him the benefit of the doubt. I was always making excuses for why he was the way he was. I finally realized it was all about him, not me. Not ever me. He has been in AA for 15 years and I never tried to judge the quality of his recovery except for how he treated me. I figured if he really wanted to treat me right he would make that decision and it would happen..... just like I make a conscious decision to act the way that I do.
I did learn that in AA their main emphasis is "do not drink." It is not all the stuff we think about in AlAnon. Yes, they do the 12 steps and that is supposed to cover how you treat people, but that is why the quality of their recovery is so different from one person to the next. When people say "is he working a good program?" they are assuming a whole lot.
And not all sponsors are created equal either. I found that my hubby found a guy just like him. They were a perfect fit and didn't have to change a thing..... except the other guy is married to another alcoholic (that still drinks and can manipulate him so easily that I just laugh). So my hubby's sponsor thinks he has normal and I am not normal.... and hubby is buying this crapola.
The point is.... stay in AlAnon and go to the meetings and learn all you can about the terrible disease you have found yourself involved with.
Thank you for your recent replies. Person is not an active drinker. Recovering alcoholic. With empathy I meant I had some understanding of the roots passive aggressive behavior among other things which helps let go of the anger. However it Does not mean the behavior is ok or I should accept it. I have concluded that I certainly cannot accept or tolerate the behavior. I have concluded it is unacceptable and if he does not choose to change I need to make sure I stay out of the relationship. This causes me to be very sad
I certainly empathize with you. I went through this as well. As pinkchip said, people will often argue badly in a "regular" relationship, but I personally feel right now like there was a different quality to the kind of attacks my recent ex alcoholic wife made. I really resonated with your feelings that it is "crazy making" because it doesn't make any sense AT ALL. You will drive yourself completely nuts trying to make sense of these kinds of attacks. I feel like -- and again, this is just my opinion from what I know right now -- that my ex was not working the program in ways that were helping with her deepest issues. Someone above mentioned that the program is different in AA, and it has been my experience that that is true. Some people naturally begin, through the steps, it seems, to really look at deeper stuff/ cause and effect, etc. and others don't. I became more familiar recently with the term "dry drunk." I suspected my dad fell into this category, but then really felt I understood the term and its devastating impact with my ex. I can't change the past, but there are many times I have wished that I had gone to Al-Anon while we were still together and she was newly sober, because I would have known that abusive behavior is not "just part of recovery" or "sorting through issues" or the million other excuses enablers like us give. It is wrong. Everyone has experienced the difference between a productive disagreement and a vicious attack. Lastly, I would like to comment on your last line, in regard to "control."
I needed to learn that I had no control whatsoever over alcohol or my alcoholic. For me, even trying to make sense of the craziness was a way to regain "control" over the situation. That was an eye-opener for me when I really figured that out.
I know what a hard time you are going through. My separation (Can't be divorced in Canada for a year) is still very, very fresh. I know there are times you feel like you are dying, ripped in half, and lost. For me, I feel as though some of that is legitimate grief and some of it is longing for the "world" my AW and I created together, which was not a healthy one in many ways and didn't mirror reality. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more, and I hope you find some peace.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
