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Post Info TOPIC: Sorry, I seem to have forgotten where I put my buttons....


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
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Sorry, I seem to have forgotten where I put my buttons....


I don't know if I should be so amused but I am now.

As I have moaned about many times lately, daughter's father is being a real nuisance recently and quite abusive and aggressive. Daughter is at an age where she doesn't really want to go to his house so often, she has other things going on in her life, I don't take much interest in his nonsense or react to him anymore and he isn't liking it at all. When he refused to help with any of daughter's high school expenses, and then bought her the ipad she needed for school but said she couldn't take it out of his house or use it for school...something in me just died. Whatever hold he still had over me finally let go and I stopped caring whether he was happy or not. Or whether he thinks well of me or not. It just doesn't matter anymore. As an added bonus I have finally started to feel anger with him, real white hot anger and I am welcoming the opportunity to work my way through it without involving him or requiring validation from him. I didn't feel angry before, I felt sad, mistreated, whiney, desperate, "WHY DO YOU TREAT US THIS WAY" sort of stuff, you know, the kind of anger that makes you feel pathetic and helpless and out of control. So real anger is good, and not needing to tell him about it is even better. It's my anger, not his so it's none of his business really.

ANYWAY.

Usually, every second Friday, I collect daughter from school at 3:30 and we make a long and unpleasant train journey to his house; I arrive at about 7pm and then travel back alone, normally getting back at 10:30pm if the stars align for me or more often 11:30pm which I really hate; the trains at that hour are not safe and I hate the whole experience but I've been doing it for over 10 years now; it was an even longer journey from where I used to live. I don't drive because I simply could't afford that much fuel and the train is about 1/5 of the cost. So it's not a small thing, its like a day's work just to get her there and I have done it because I wanted daughter to have a relationship with her father and because he said I had to and for some reason I used to to be afraid to stand up to him. Go figure. I could have said no or insisted on doing it less often, there was never a court order and he has never met his responsibilities but anyway. Whatever, it's in the past. However now that daughter doesn't actually WANT to go and I see how angry and unhappy she is when she comes back, I'm not going to force her to go every 2 weeks, it will just be when it's convenient and she wants to see him, if she misses a fortnight that's just the way it goes. He chose to leave, he chose not to be involved, he chose to refuse to help in any way and back when daughter was small I begged, BEGGED him to share custody or even just have her every Saturday so that I could work and provide a decent life for her and he refused point blank to even assist me to work one measly day per week. So yes I have a lot to say about all the reprehensible things he has done and even I am getting tired of hearing myself complain about him but the point is, he tries to demand that I owe him a relationship with his daughter, that it is somehow my fault he doesn't have a good one and my responsibility to facilitate it for him and I am done with that now, it's laughable and he's very lucky I did it for so long or maybe he isn't because if I had have been smarter and less obliging (and doormat-like) he might have had to work harder from the beginning. Who knows. I will just try to file that under "irrelevant" with all the rest of my regrets and angst about the past.

Anyway blah blah blah, this weekend he is bringing his family to stay at a caravan park over our side of town, they drive right by our house and continue on for about 20 minutes to the beach where I used to live, and will arrive Saturday morning and drop her to school before going home again on Monday morning. I think that's nice, good on him. Great idea. And as I have mentioned, daughter has been invited to a birthday party that Saturday night. Normally I would say oh well, you're away with your dad that weekend so either he can take you to the party or not, it's not the end of the world BUT daughter has been having a bad time and this is the very first party she has been invited to at her new school with her new group of friends and it's a really big deal for her so, when he refused to take her I said I would pick her up from the caravan, take her to the party and drop her back to him. Now she's still not happy because the party has morphed into a sleepover but, she can't have everything and I feel I have done my best to accomodate her needs and to honor the fact that we did agree she would go to the caravan park with her father for the weekend. And he says he expects her to go for an extra weekend (so 3 in a row) to make up for her 3 hours at a party. And that's alright because he will benefit from learning that expectations are disappointments waiting to happen.

I know I'm probably repeating myself here, sorry. BUT today I get a text from him, he is expecting me to bring daughter to his house on Friday night as usual. He is trying to demand that I make the 8 hour journey to bring her to his house so that he can bring her right back in the morning; they are driving past our house for the sake of the fox. Never mind that it's stupid and pointless, why make daughter do all of that horrible travelling, to arrive there not long before bed time (they make her go to bed super early) just to try to force me to do what he seems to think I "owe" him? I said no, you can pick her up  Saturday morning as planned and he replies that he expects me to take her there as she is going out on Saturday night. The logic is so demented; its as if her going to the party is somehow for my benefit and he wants his pound of flesh one way or another, whether it is at daughters expense or not. Daughter said no WAY and that's fine because I wasn't even entertaining the idea of complying. She's going with him for the weekend; what purpose does making us travel all that way the night before serve other than to sate his desire for vengeance?

Anyway back when he used to send me constant abusive and threatening texts I developed a really horrible sick feeling whenever the phone made a noise and I've noticed that has started to happen again; as soon as the phone vibrates my stomach starts to churn and I lose my appetite (it's always when I am cooking dinner). So it is getting under my skin I guess; tonight I had to go and sit somewhere quiet and breath my way through it without responding to his stupid messages until I was calm and then managed to enjoy home-made pizza and watching a show with my girl as we had planned. 

BUT I have not lost my cool, all of my replies to him are courteous, direct and truthful and I can't help it, part of me is a little amused to see how worked up he gets because he doesn't get an angry or rude response from me no matter how hard he tries. It's al so upside down and inside out; when wise al-anon folk first suggested to me that being kind and courteous even to abusive or harmful people was for my OWN benefit I could never have imagined how or why, it just defied logic but it really is. I can feel comfortable knowing I have been reasonable and decent, daughter does not have to witness me being angry or stomping around uttering 4 letter words and I don't know if it's healthy or not but it's just a little bit satisfying to see him trying so hard to push my buttons and getting no-where at all. 

I love you al-anon,you are the best thing EVER!!!

(((Everyone)))

 

 



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 21st of May 2015 08:10:15 AM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Love this posting Ms.M. The power of your recovery is truly inspiring. I too have found that treating everyone with courtesy and respect works wonders for my serenity and does accomplish much more than anger and bad words.
Great share my dear

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1020
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Making me laugh. Missing your buttons. That's recovery in progress.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
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Betty you were one of those wise al-anon folks that encouraged me to try kindness and courtesy even when it seemed illogical.
Thank you

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
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Love it Melly. It all sounds so very familiar.

I think all abusive A's use the same playbook how
To turn every bad thing toward us not them.
Deflect And for us to take the blame, shame
and abuse.

They are the golden apple we are The golden
doormat. Until we come alive in alanon and
Are Spitting mad. Healthy anger is a sign of
Growth and willingness to change.

It is not easy facing down your abuser. I still struggle
but use my program tools. One Foot in front of
the other. It is not simple when emotions and
Feelings are simmering inside of you. They
Need to be faced and dealt with. God gives
you the courage, strength, love and Understanding
You need to walk thru the emotional turmoil with
His guidance. It all takes time and being extra gentle
with yourself. He loves you as you are.

I am doing well on the self love, acceptance
And protection. Self care is lagging behind but
I have high hopes that too will shall pass.

Great program work!


((((((((((( Melly )))))))))

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~*Service Worker*~

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date.gifKindness is truly the highest form of wisdom.

Glad that we have replaced those buttons of "reacting" and learned a better way. 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Oh goodness. It amazes me how irrational they can be...proud of you for sticking to your guns and saying NO. I hope the weekend will be restful and peaceful for you :)

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~*Service Worker*~

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They sure do try the same playbook.  Love, love, love your courteous and sensible responses which are obviously driving him insane with frustration!

In my corner of the world, when people have weekend visitation, they pick up the child themselves.  Maybe if he wants her on Friday evening he can come and pick her up then?  smile

Sounds to me as if she might get that sleepover with the new friends after all.  That wouldn't be a bad outcome - just too bad that it took so much craziness on the ex's part to get there.

You are doing so great!



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~*Service Worker*~

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You are doing great! As Mattie said, they do seem to use the same playbook! Good job!

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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I am enjoyed this post so much....almost popped some corn just to wait, watch and see what happens next.

I am perpetually amazed at how when we change they are almost left not knowing how to respond/react/reply.

Kindness and respect are great tools, as is patience and tolerance.

Keep us posted and thanks for the great share! Lovin' the ESH!

Make it a great day!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
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Thanks guys. You are wonderful.

I think it's a good thing that these addicts seem to all use the same playbook because it made such a huge difference to my life to arrive at al-anon and discover that other people were experiencing the exact same craziness...almost word for word! Because of that, I saw that it was possible that if I followed the program even if it didn't make sense to me to begin with, I might be able to find some strength and serenity too. After all, it seemed to work for other program folk, and they had been through all the same craziness so...why not me?

The other very sad but true fact that dawned on me quite recently was...I was wondering why on earth I have been so afraid of my ex husband, and so compliant to his ridiculous demands for so many years, and why, suddenly in the past few months I have ceased to feel obliged to pander to him any longer. And I realised, it was because since not long after my divorce I have lived with ABF. (Straight out of the frying pan...) At the heart of things, I was very afraid that if I made my ex husband angry, he would come to the house and be aggressive and ABF (who was always at home and always drunk) would beat him senseless with potentially tragic consequences. It was a realistic scenario; the two of them were itching to have a go at each other and OH MY HP the stress I put myself under making sure their paths never crossed and exH never had reason to come to the house in anger. It's sort of funny in a sad way; ABF would have said that he was defending me; he was forever trying to insist that I start a war with my ex H over just about everything but the actual result was, I was more compliant than ever out of fear that he might "stand up for me".

Insanity. All of it. Pure insanity.

I LOVE this new life where I get to make decisions based on my own knowledge and intuition instead of based on fear. It's fantastic.



__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Well he picked her up today (lunch time, strange that they left so late when he wanted to get as much time with daughter as possible but oh well, whatever. He told me the night before it would be lunch time).

So she came home and got ready for her party and I dropped her off just before and she said, her dad asked her where she would most like to eat dinner, and when she picked a restaurant she really wanted to try he told her that is where they are taking their other 2 kids tonight while she goes to the party. How spiteful can you get?????
Tomorrow night they said they will just be staying in and having fish n chips (which she doesn't like since we live at the beach and have it way too often). I mean its deliberate nastiness and spite, she was so angry and told me she hates them and I don't blame her a bit.

Soon I'll go and pick her back up from the party and take her back to their caravan where they can tell her all about how she missed out on having dinner at the restaurant she picked.
I won't agree to anything like this again, they are just getting nastier and where they used to direct all of their spite towards me it seems like now it's being directed at daughter.

She also said that they said they had booked for last night too but had forgotten "in the confusion" and now they had to pay for a night they didn't have. That is BULL, that woman watches every penny like a hawk and there is no way on Gods Green Earth she booked an extra night and then "forgot", its just a nonsense story to try to make daughter feel guilty.

If she comes home tomorrow and the entire weekend has been miserable, I think we will call it a day with the visitation now. I'm not going to knowingly subject her to that kind of garbage.

GRRRRRRRR

Mamma bear MAAAAAD.



__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Oh, how terrible! I would be mad if I were you, too! This is a child we are talking about. How frustrating that her dad resorts to such ridiculous and hurtful tactics, and good for you for calling enough ENOUGH.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



Veteran Member

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You have been wonderful to her father. He has been extremely lucky that you have done so much to accommodate him.

It has been over the top, all because you wanted to give your daughter a relationship with her dad.

Now it is HIM destroying it, and there is not a lot you can do to stop that. Your daughter is going to be watching you. She is learning from you, and you are showing an example of emotional strength. At 12 years of age, she is able to choose the example that brings peace.

About that restaurant thing: What an ASSHOLE. Sorry for the language, if I am not allowed to say that, but how infuriating and his wife sounds like a witch, to enable him to treat a 12 year old that way.



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Carrie

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