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Post Info TOPIC: I left


Member

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Posts: 11
Date:
I left


I left my AH tonight. I told him no more and he didn't believe me. It turned into a huge awful mess in front of my children. He scared my children, terrified them. He called my phone 20-30 times and kept saying the same thing over and over. He said I'm retarded and really messed up. I could smell the alcohol, his speech was slurred, he couldn't walk. I had to involve my father and he said he could see how drunk he was. Now, I'm tired, terrified. What if I did screw up? What if I was wrong? What do I do now?!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Hi runningwife I am glad that you had the courage to take care of yourself Please try to rest tonight and tomorrow search out alanon meetings and attend. Please check back here as well and let us know how you are doing

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
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runningwife -

So sorry for your fear and anxiety. I agree 100% with Betty - try to get some rest for tonight and then try to find a F2F (face to face) meeting tomorrow.

If that proves difficult, there are meetings here daily - morning and evening.

Try to let go of your fear just for tonight so you can sleep and know that you are not alone!

((((Hugs to you)))).

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I can relate and left when my exAH was being scary with my kids and me. I just wanted to be free and able to breathe and now I can, my oldest thanks me now and I don't regret it. The chaos that comes with living with an alcoholic was more than I could beAr any longer. I know my children and I deserve a heathy and happy life without the chaos. We now have that and it took guts for me to leave, I loved him a lot, but now I love myself and my kids more thanks to al- anon! Glad you found us at MIP, find meetings, a sponsor and keep coming back here for support. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
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I don't see how you could have done better in that situation. Please don't doubt yourself.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1896
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Hi RW,

It sounds like you were given no choice. Parents, when their children are threatened, have no choice but to get them out of harm's way. Find a meeting somewhere, even on here one begins in 45 minutes.

Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

It's so natural to second guess ourselves; living with this disease tends to make us experts at telling ourselves we imagined it or it "wasn't that bad really".
However bad it feels right now today is the first day of something new for you and you've shown your kids how to walk away from harmful frightening situations instead of tolerating and minimising abusive behaviour. You'll likely be really glad of that when you've had some time to get over the initial shock and to grieve.
Be kind to yourself; it sounds like you've had a traumatic night and you deserve rest and care. I tried to imagine I was looking after a friend who had shown up on my doorstep having just left an abusive drunk...what would I say to her? How would I show my concern? How would I try to make her comfortable? What would I encourage her to do for herself? And then I treated myself that way because I was all I had at the time. And it did help to step outside and view myself as someone else.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Senior Member

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Posts: 472
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wish i had your courage


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ALYCE R KINIKIN


Senior Member

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Posts: 146
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Keep coming back.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 295
Date:

Your courage is inspiring...roll with the momentum. I applaud you! Let us know how you are doing when you can :)

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Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

I too left yesterday with my kids, I know exactly how you feel. My AH is an expert manipulater and his drinking has controlled us for so long. I love my AH, but I hate the alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol and I can't stop him drinking. I am lucky I have great friends who think I'm strong and I suppose I am, but it sure doesn't feel like it. I also found al anon. So many times I've listened to his promises, lies, blamed myself, felt unable to cope but I'm still here and will continue to have hope for my future free of the chaos of the alcoholic. I hope you do too, keep talking, get support and take one day at a time.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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Aloha RW...you did good separating from the insanity.  You took your kids from it also and maybe they also will get a good safe night's sleep.  Second guessing is normal and habitual in this disease on the part of the enabler however I suggest you don't entertain it long.  When you find yourself doing it breakoff and read some Al-Anon literature, get to a meeting or contact other members for support.  You did the right thing.   Keep coming back here and take part in the online meetings as you can.    (((hugs))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1133
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RW-

You made a difficult decision but one for yourself and children.   It is good that you have the support of family, and hopefully it helps you to know that others can see what you have been living with as well.

I agree with above posters that seeking out Alanon meetings will be a great source of support.

Mary



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Senior Member

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Posts: 419
Date:

I left my ex A 8 months ago,of course there was quite a childish display on his part.He berated me and bullied me,put me down and called me names.Our plans were for him to stay sober and we were going to buy a place together,well needless to say, that didn't happen.His last insult as he was leaving was,"Well, there goes your dream of having your own home."As if  to say if I didn't have him in my life,I wouldn't be able to make my dreams come true.Guess what,I went back to school, and I just bought my own place!I know I did the right thing!You are asking if you screwed up.Imagine a good friend confiding in you about her husband in that situation,would you tell her she screwed up?



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Mary



Member

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Posts: 11
Date:

Thank you for the posts and support. I have never felt like this before, alone, yet supported. I hate being an adult. My kids want me to stay, but I am leaning towards divorce. My children might hate me, but I can't keep living like this.

So, my question is, will this anxiety, fear, and stress ever end?

 



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Yes They will be replaced by serenity, courage and additional wisdom.
Keep attending alanon meetings and sharing here and this Miracle, like mine, will be yours.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 295
Date:

Runningwife, I also wonder if leaving would be better or worse. I think we forget that this life we lead is NOT normal and so we forget that things can be better and more than likely should be better! I justify and say "everyone has struggles. No marriage is perfect." But I think that might be my co-dependent goggles keeping me in fear and holding me back from positive change. I am inspired by your courage and strength...and your willingness to seek out a better way, even though it is not easy. Hang in there, clarity will come.



-- Edited by Fairlee on Saturday 23rd of May 2015 11:05:38 AM

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 76
Date:

I am sorry that you are going through this. Of course your kids want you to stay. They do not know any different kind of life, and they love their dad.

Kids do not like change (people do not like change, it is uncomfortable).

But life is about changes and learning different things, and different ways to live.

My only advice is to encourage your kids to keep loving their dad, no matter how he encourages them to treat you.

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Carrie



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:

You have taken the first step to improve your life and the life of your kids. I am so proud of you. They isolate us, control and manipulate us. We are kind and compassionate to them and keep getting hit in the face. The MerryGoRound of Denial is a great pamphlet you can get for free at a Face to Face Meeting. We are used to living in the insanity of alcoholism and until we get away from it, we are unhealthy, too. You will get a lot of strength, hope and wisdom at Al Anon meetings or just from visiting this board. You won't be able to absorb it immediately, but be gentle with yourself. No matter what you do, you didn't cause it, you Can't Control it and you Can't Cure it. You are in a crazy world, but there is a hope out there in the people in the program to show you how we have been in your shoes and have found that the only thing we can control is ourselves. There is happiness and peace out there for you. Keep coming back!

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