The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've read a lot of threads & can relate some to my situation but I'm looking for guidance . My Mom is 72 year old active alcoholic with cirrohhis who has tried to get sober via AA but it doesn't last. I have one sibling who lives 3 states away & pretty much has nothing to do with her. My husbands job brought us here 8 years ago & we bought a house my Mom & step dad could rent from us so (she) could retire . I wasn't aware at the extent of her alcoholness at the time. 3 years ago my step dad died. My Mom has zero friends or family except me. I am drained, depressed & in need of help. I can't separate being there for a 72 year old Mom & being there for a narcissist alcoholic. I never realized what a bad Mother she truly was until later in life & person for that fact, she treated my step dad so horrible as he was dying it was painful to watch. I suppressed my childhood all these years & now I'm stuck. I just can't cut her completely out of my life. Why ??? I need boundaries & balance . But she's an alcoholic & a narcissist & I'm the people pleaser & she takes full advantage, so I need help & lots of guidance . Detaching with love........how is this accomplished When you still need to be a caretaker of sorts ? I've been working on these past few days not replaying in my head the mean or ridiculous, grandiose things she will say . I know that's just giving her space but it's hard . I get so annoyed. That must be the anger some talk about. Thank you in advance. I hope it makes sense.
Welcome, it sounds like your not in denial and you can see the truth clearly and your looking for tools. Alanon face to face meetings would be the first place to go. You will find one at the alanon website. There you will get support from people who know what its like and have found the answers they are looking for. Best of luck.
You might also benefit from ACOA. Maybe you can look into a live-in caretaker for her of sorts. Also the office on aging may help provide services. Of course alanon is also the right place.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 19th of April 2015 06:14:10 PM
Welcome Fullcup, Glad that you shared and connected. Detachment with love is a powerful tool that takes much time and effort to perfect.
When I first entered program. it was suggested that I begin by learning how to take care of myself emotionally.. That meant that each day, I would try to keep the focus on myself , my needs, my sanity , live one day at a time, without worrying about the past of the future and attending meetings.
After doing this for a few weeks, it was suggested that I could attempt to detach from my alcoholic partner. This simply meant that I did not become emotionally involved in any situation that the alcoholic caused and I would not react before I had the time to step back, look at what was going on and then decide what to do
I separated my feelings form that of the alcoholic, nurtured myself first and treated the alcoholic with courtesy and kindness after I helped myself .
The main key to survival in this relationship is keeping the focus on myself, my needs, my feelings. It is not easy in the beginning, that is so very important to maintaining any form of sanity alcoholic home.
Face-to-face Al-Anon meetings are held in most communities and I do believe that would benefit greatly. the support and by breaking the isolation from living with the disease. I also urge you to keep coming back and sharing
Aloha Fullcup and welcome to the board...you sound qualified to be here and in the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings. The hotline number may be in your local white pages...go look and go call if it is. Find out where we get together in your area and come listen and learn. Horrible treatment is just one way describing how the disease treats others...self centered to the max (narcissistic) works also and many other descriptions and what helped me early on was to get rid of the "bad description" of my alcoholics and addicts and substitute "sick" because there was an addiction of a mind and mood altering chemical which would never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence. The program including this MIP family will help a lot as we have learned from many others who have come before us how to fix ourselves. That's insinuating that we become broken in the disease by associations which is absolutely true. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with and often times we will get as bad or worse than they do.
Al-Anon literature is part of our tools and you can go to afg.wso and check out the list...best to have an old timer(s) share their journeys with you to reveal what it was like for us, what happened (when we found the program) and what it is like now...just like you read here. It saved my sanity and life for which I feel absolute gratitude.
Thank you , I belonged to ACOA on FB as a closed group I think but I'm not active on it. Kinda worried she might she it for some darn reason . What's that saying "we are only as sick as our secrets" I grew up not communicating much With her. I've decided it's time to reach out to others that share this experience & seek your wisdom & help. So thank you. I will look back into it.
Thank you each & everyone of you. I thought I was replying directly to each post, so I'm still figuring this format out so forgive me.
Today she called & used me to waste time while she had to wait for her anxiety meds to be filled & I could hear her booze bottle (twist cap & paper bag ) that I'm all to familiar with in the background as she sat in her CAR. It kills me to know this but in the past I've called & had her car put on a watch list as well as her Dr did the same, when she had shown up drunk to an apt. It's a very small town. I can't bring myself to call the police directly in the moment . So I just excused myself from the call. Is this the right thing to do ? I feel tormented .
Welcome to the board. Excusing yourself from the call is approriate and actually the start of setting limits and boundaries. That what we learn here. Ask yourself, if someone else called you and treated you that way, what would you do? End the call- right?Society and upbringing puts a lot of pressure on us to stay close to family members regardless of how we're treated. We're family right! That's just BS! We are not dormats to no one, including family.
You are about five days ahead of me and your problem, AM, is very similar to mine, AM, and AD, Lord help us all. I live in a rural area and would love to get a local group started. Dont suppose you live in Illinois? Hope you find a group soon and ive seen by readings that they DO help. Good luck, hope to see you around the forums. Im still figuring it out too.
Kelli...contact afg.org about the protocols for starting a meeting and find out if there are other members or meetings in your area that can be supportive. I have, over the time I've been in Al-Anon helped to found other meeting in other areas as far away as 50 miles from my home and they are still going...thank God and Al-Anon. So ring their bell and ask them for help. There are many here at MIP who will encourage your attempt with our experiences. Service is a part of our 3 legacies. (((hugs)))
