How to talk about it when they won't - Al-Anon Family Group

Seahorse7 · Veteran Member

How to talk about it when they won't

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry this is going on. I think you're finding what we've all found - that there's no way to explain or get through to them. The addiction is so strong that they come to the realization in their own time or not at all. And sadly, statistically speaking, most of them never find their way out of addiction.

I don't know your circumstances, of course. But I can definitely relate to needing to make sure the pets are okay. I would never have left a beloved pet in the care of my A. Speaking for myself, if I had to leave and I was afraid he'd try to keep hold of the pets - which he might do just to be manipulative, let's face it - I'd leave with the pets while he was away. He'd come back and find I and they and all of my things that I wanted were gone.

For a normal relationship, that would be a sudden and bad way to leave. But in normal relationships, people listen to each other and don't play manipulative games. When it's our wellbeing and the lives of our pets at stake, we do what has to be done.

I hope you have a meeting? Take good care of yourself. Hugs.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

am glad that you reached out and shared. Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is so important to break the isolation caused by the disease and connect with others who understand as few others can. Here I also developed tools to say whet I mean and mean what I say , to stop blaming others, stop living in fear of future and validate myself and my needs.

There is hope and help for you in these rooms

Fairlee · Senior Member

This sounds so familiar. My AH is self-employed. He is now drinking in the mornings as well as all day and into the night. I have watched the progression over the years and as I see less and less of the sober person I married, I have less of a connection and feel like I am pretty much "faking it" to get by. I'm a coward though. I have been helping with our business for the last 18 years (and raising 3 kids pretty much alone) so I haven't been out in the work force and it scares me to death to try to make that step out there...if I had a career of my own right now I think I would be long gone...sad but true. I don't know about your A, but I have watched mine try to stop drinking many times over the years and it never lasts more than a day, two at the most. I've given up and I realize that there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do about this but live my life and try to make it the best I can for me and my kids. I hope that you can find a good Al Anon F2F meeting group. I think you would really enjoy it. Sorry for what you are going through...hope you are able to gain some peace and I hope that your AH will get better :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I have 7 pets. I love them dearly, but if my spouse and I split, we would split the pets. I personally would not allow myse lf to be bullied into giving them all up but I also would not use fear of losing pets as reason to stay in a bad relationship.If it was that bad, I would leave the pets and have had that happen before. It was way more worth it to get out and leave the pets. Pets are great...I have 7, but if they had that much sway over to dictate what happens in my human relationships, that would be a clue for me to reach out and build more human support systems. Not sure if this is where you are at or not, but I know people often start out in alanon paralyzed with fear and with all kinds of reasons they can't do things differently. Plan on alanon meetings and partipate fully. That is where change will begin. Dont be paralyzed in fear and inaction over pets. Nobody is making you leave them or even think about leaving them just yet. First things first. Go to alanon. Your alcoholic won't talk about the disease because thw disease wants to protect itself. So what to you do when they won't talk about it? Get support in alanon. Keep coming back and focus on the next right thing for you. Not 10 steps down the road and how to take, give up, or split up pets just yet. Build a better human support system with a sponsor in alanon.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember a thought I had working with my sponsor during this sadness with my alcoholic/addict which was "if she is constantly pushing you away with her drinking and using behaviors..."why are you refusing to leaving"? My sponsor also reinforced that with the question "If the alcoholic (as opposed to the clean/sober wife) is showing you she doesn't want to be around you why are you forcing yourself on her"? The questions were/are all about "what am I gonna do with what I have"? When I stopped thinking about this as a loss rather than a change outcomes became easier. Sponsors work great...least mine did. (((((hugs))))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I stayed for a very long time, because I didn't want to lose my horses, but once I found someone to take them I walked away free as could be and I am better for it. Al-anon meetings helped me immensely, as did MIP and reading books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I am glad you are here, keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.