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Post Info TOPIC: When your AH takes on an additional addiction to combat the drinking (LOL)


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When your AH takes on an additional addiction to combat the drinking (LOL)


My husband recently took up smoking marijuana (in his mind/manipulation) to reduce the drinking and the effects it has on our marriage and our children. LOL WHAT??? I'm trying to find the humor in this because it is just so ridiculous I can't even begin to explain my thought processes here. Of course, he is still drinking heavily on top of this new addition....

Backtracking..my husband just got off of 18 months of probation as a result of multiple counts of felony theft. As usual, he got away with an ARD class and they expunged his record. He lied about doing community service, and the county let him off of probation early because of this and completely expunged the charges...two days later, he decides that it would be a good time to start smoking marijuana, and claimed that this would help him to cut down on drinking LOL LOL.

Well, perhaps he could potentially forget where he left his beer (I guess that would have to take about 30 lapses in memory).

Again...WHAT? I just had to write this down. Has anyone else experienced ridiculous nonsense like this? All joking and keeping my sanity through humor aside, this is just so many levels of wrong and I don't know what to do with this. Trying to have a rational conversation with a stoned drunk overgrown child is impossible. I guess we're on the road to progression of the disease and I'm just trying to figure out if I need to steer for the next exit or continue to hope that he'll do a U turn  

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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The craziness just boggles the mind, doesn't it?  The crazy and sad ways in which they fool themselves.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Another example of how Cunning,baffaling and powerful is this disease. Our only hope of regaining some sanity in our lives is to keep the focus on ourselves and us alanon tools

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Ha ha! Mine tried smoking cigarettes one time to supposedly "help him not drink". I just shook my head because I just don't understand. I have a daughter with bad asthma so I told him he would have to do his laundry some where else if he kept up the cigarette smoking. Thankfully that phase didn't last long....of course the drinking prevailed (not thankful for that) ahh the ridiculousness of it all...

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oh my gosh do i idenify..my ah during drinking and when he is trying to stay sober will resort to smoking more,smoking grass,gambling alot and compulsive shopping
grrr

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ALYCE R KINIKIN


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Thank you all for your replies :) I think the worst part of it all is that it doesn't help the drinking. I think he just wanted to smoke so he used it to make it sound like he was trying but it was just to appease me (which is funny because I obviously do not approve of it, and he knows it, and it is just another addiction that we will have to deal with). His drinking has not declined (aside from the first week he started smoking to make it look good). He missed work last week because he was too hung over and couldn't stop throwing up in his attempt to drive there. It just isn't getting better, and I think he knows it enough to make an attempt to manipulate me into thinking he's trying. It's just difficult when they play on your hopes and end up making things even worse. Now we're dealing with an extra personality (the new one who's a drunk/stoned combo). It's driving me nuts. I've been focusing on a new job and taking the kids outside in the nice weather, but there's always the crazy interruptions that I'm struggling to deal with without engaging an argument (he likes arguing). I know God has a plan for both of us, I'm just waiting for the signs to show me what's going to happen.



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~*Service Worker*~

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It may help to not view his addictive behaviors as a "we" thing. Detach. It's his addiction. Signs are already showing you. He is in denial and addiction is driving him. What evidence is he giving you that he's going to change? Sounds like none. Step off the merry go round and into alanon. You are powerless over his addiction. Waiting on an active addict to show you anything but insanity is a recipe for disappointment and frustration. Go to face to face alanon and work on getting the focus off him and on to you.

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Thank you Pinkchip. Your perspectives here were definitely needed and something I needed to hear. In referring to "we" here, I was referring to what myself and the kids have to deal with. I have been able to detach in many ways from his choices and behaviors. However, I do need to work on suppressing my therapeutic self and come to the realization that I cannot change it. I've worked with him from every angle I can think of (I am a therapist) and it hasn't worked and it isn't working. I think the fact that I've been able to make progress with so many people hindered my ability to completely let go here. Nonetheless, I probably do refer to this issue as a we thing at times because my heart always leads me to helping. This is something in me that I need to work on, as addiction is so much different than any other issue in the field and I need to begin to accept this reality. I suppose the onlookers that look at me and expect me to fix it because of my background only reinforces my helping behaviors. Working with him and waiting has done me no good, and perhaps in a way my empathy and understanding here may be enabling him to continue with his behaviors knowing that I will always be there for him. I have recently been taking on a much more detached approach to this, and the behaviors have escalated. But again, I have turned this onto how I need to change in order to help him, which is not detaching. Thank you! I need to take a more logical approach to this than a therapeutic one as I am just setting myself up for disappointment. We have been together for 16 years this year. In retrospect, I have been putting the blame on myself for 12 years because I have not been successful in helping him. In that regard, I need to let it go and come to the realization that it is him and his choices that put him where he is, realize that I did what I could and cannot change it, and move on to focus on myself. You're right, he has not shown any indication that he will change. I suppose I assessed this issue differently because my ill thinking was that if I can help him with the possible underlying causes, then the drinking would discontinue (fix the underlying problems and direct him to new coping mechanisms). He has made some progress with underlying self-esteem issues, but the drinking continues, so it is clear that this way of thinking was completely inaccurate. He is well past using alcohol as a coping mechanism and the disease has taken over--I need to read this statement over and over! I recently talked with my aunt whose husband is also an alcoholic and she left him because of it. We discussed many behaviors and it really put into perspective how much of the behaviors were similar and relative to the disease. We also discussed how his issues have continued since she left. This gave me quite a bit of perspective. I'm now looking at this quite a bit differently. I suppose hope had led me to believe that one day he would just wake up and use the tools I gave him (what a miraculous world I was living in...). I needed a little dose of reality. Waiting is only prolonging my own progress. This is what I needed to hear. Thank you Pinkchip!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh man did I relate to your last post...being a therapist also. I tried to help, work, with, and therapeutically support all my partners in relationships through their stuff. It is my default mode also. I turned focus to myself when I came in to the program. For some reason, with my current husband, I have almost never had that interaction. He is fully capable of assessing and fixing most all of his problems without my input or "intervention." There was only one time where he was doing something I couldn't live with and it occurred in the beginning and it was related to carrying on an enabling and toxic relationship with his ex. I tried to accept it for a while, then eventually it came to a head and I said I couldn't tolerate it anymore and he took it upon himself to remove the ex from the picture for the most part. Other than that, I don't have that interaction any more. We both are dedicated to physical and spiritual fitness and that was the case when we met. It is really refreshing to have a relationship like that now because all my prior ones were more like you described. I would share my insights with the other person as they appealed to me as needing the feedback and help. In the process, I also lost myself and felt nobody ever listened to me. Then if I didn't buy into some stupid idea or scheme, I got accused of "not being supportive" when I was spending 99 percent of the time in the relationship literally being the main financial supporter, but also bending over backward to be morally and emotionally "supportive" in hopes of change.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Wow, this is a powerful thread - thank you so much for sharing - I can relate to your comment about living in a miraculous world!

I remember one day thinking 'I am responsible for my own self respect.' That little thought changed my outlook entirely and made it much easier for me to take alcohol and problem solving out of the equation.

I can't tell you how many times I've been accused of not being supportive - oh, boy! Isn't it amazing how that was just the right button to press??!!

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watchdog1999 wrote:

Thank you all for your replies :) I think the worst part of it all is that it doesn't help the drinking. I think he just wanted to smoke so he used it to make it sound like he was trying but it was just to appease me (which is funny because I obviously do not approve of it, and he knows it, and it is just another addiction that we will have to deal with). His drinking has not declined (aside from the first week he started smoking to make it look good). He missed work last week because he was too hung over and couldn't stop throwing up in his attempt to drive there. It just isn't getting better, and I think he knows it enough to make an attempt to manipulate me into thinking he's trying. It's just difficult when they play on your hopes and end up making things even worse. Now we're dealing with an extra personality (the new one who's a drunk/stoned combo). It's driving me nuts. I've been focusing on a new job and taking the kids outside in the nice weather, but there's always the crazy interruptions that I'm struggling to deal with without engaging an argument (he likes arguing). I know God has a plan for both of us, I'm just waiting for the signs to show me what's going to happen.


 I can SO relate! My Husband was diagnosed with Barretts esophacus and was told to "wien" off alcohol. He has gone through weeks where he throws up every morning. I call he "drunk personality" Ralph. (not his real name) Because he is a TOTALLY different person that I DON'T like! That's when HE likes to argue and pick at things. When he is sober, he is a wonderful man!



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Great post on Alcoholism and the long reach it has on everyone who comes into contact with it.  Cunning, baffling and powerful.  It goes much beyond the actual physical consumption of a liquid.  The insanity of it all is mind numbing.  Alcohol, Pot, other drugs, People, Sex, Gambling etc....  A friend of mine used to tell me, pick any seat on the Titanic- it's going down either way. 

Having been on both sides of the fence on this one- I'm greatful to both Programs that I'm relatively sane for Today.  smile 



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~*Service Worker*~

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This is a great post with great ESH! Thank you for being vulnerable and open with us and sharing, I can so relate to wanting to help fix people and it is so hard to realize you want it so much more than they do. Letting Go has been hard, but so freeing for me. Letting people be responsible for their changes or lack of changes for themselves and me taking that energy and putting it back into me and my kids has been awesome. The al-anon tools, slogans and literature have changed my life and perspective. I am glad you are here. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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