The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm still emotionally IQ challenged about the two.
When my feelings came up it was always colored with Angry/Sad, Angry/Happy, Angry/Joy, Angry/Angry, obviously there is a common denominator going on .. lol .. yes Anger has been my first last and middle name.
That duality was the only way I could figure out in terms of how I felt .. I can tell I'm healing because the anger is less .. except when the XAH screws with the kids. Then the mafia mama bear comes out and all bets are off. Fingers and faces are lost during those moments. My dark fantasies spiral out of control. Screw with me I'm a grown up .. screw with my kids .. lol .. forgetaboutit. I could tell you I was angry. That's my go to emotion. I now have a bigger variety of emotions to draw from and Anger is not always attached to them. Or was I just a walking resentment? I don't know.
LOL .. so that part is still very much alive I just don't have to live there daily.
Guilt and Shame .. I still can't tell the difference. I don't know that I feel a lot of guilt, I've always been more of a it is what it is .. deal kind of person. Shame I have felt however that feels more like guilt.
What is the difference??
S :?
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity. I remember when I first ,. began analyzing feelings. Much to my surprise, I discovered that I was comfortable expressing anger because it made me feel powerful , so that I changed all my feelings into anger so that I could strike out at somebody. The moment I felt sadness , disappointment , loss , hurt in any way , I would look for something to be angry at and strike out. Al-Anon taught me how do to feel all my feelings and verbalize them,without blaming othersfor using anger.
As far as the differences between guilt and shame, I believe they are closely related. When I can forgive myself for being human and for responding in destructive ways then I can let go of the guilt and shame associated with the action.
LOL .. I'm finding it to be a little like tasting the color 9. I just have no basis for relating and I'm just so incredibly frustrated about it.
I guess the biggest thing is .. it has taken me years and I do mean years to figure out that I actually experience anxiety. I can now identify when I feel that way. I can address it appropriately and move forward.
What does guilt feel like?
What is the difference between that and shame?
I have felt guilty however I think it goes with the shame, it blurs together.
If I can identify the feeling/s it would help me a great deal. It is like the anxiety though it took what it took and I got there, there is no way I would have identified myself as anxious. Who am I kidding .. LOL .. I lived with an A for years .. who doesn't feel anxious or have high anxiety waiting for the next shoe to drop from moment to moment.
Does that make sense?
What does guilt feel like?
What does shame feel like??
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
shame is a negative for me. It makes me want to curl up and die. Guilt is not such a bad thing, it motivates me to amend/ try different. When I'm not in a healthy space, shame is the reaction. Its a learned response I beleive. Guilt can be worked with. Shame, not so easy.
I think they go hand in hand, when im guilty im thinking look what ive done, shame follows on that with im a bad person, like guilt is the wrongdoing and shame beats you up for it.
Great post, your awareness is pretty deep. When i cut through and become a bit more self knowledgable the rewards come with that, i felt much better. Good for you serenity.x,
I dont feel these too much these days, i recognise them as useless, they come but are fleeting now.
I found the key to guilt, shame, anger, resentment was forgiveneness. Forgiveness alllwed me to be a human and others to be human too, all flawed, never gojng to behave perfectly, ever. Forgiveness set me free from the past, memories of he did..... she did..... etc were thought through in a another way. So, my exah did such and such,,,.. my mind before said it was because they were bad, evil, sneaky, kind of more than human each judgement made me a victim. Now i can see he has been suffering from a disease of alcoholism and these behaviours are part of that, im no victim. I can protect myself from the behaviours through boundaries and i attach no emotions or judgement to his behaviours, it is what it is. When i forgave myself my life changed dramatically.
Edna summed it up pretty well. Guilt is when you go "Man, that was a bad thing I did. I feel bad. I wont do that again. I will apologize. I'm a better person than that." Shame is when you go "I just screwed up again. I always screw up. I suck and I'm a loser. I'm going to go bury my head. I can't face the world now. I am such a loser."
I always saw shame as a way to beat yourself up over something you felt guilty for, instead of just accepting yourself as human and making a mistake and apologizing. It's a means of self deprecating the beautiful person whom God created you to be. So, for me, my AH would guilt me and make me feel bad and I could have just chosen to let him do it and then just said, "Well, that's his opinion and I said I was sorry, etc." Instead, I would run with that guilt in my head and shame myself for being so stupid, so gullible, so uncommunicative, whatever. I then had feelings of low self worth because I felt 'less than' or 'not good enough' for him or for my dad. I walked around with a lot of shame for many years.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
And this is why when I'm running around trying smell the color 9 I come here. I really like that I don't have to try and smell it alone! Thank you for your ESH. Hugs S:)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I have been struggling with shame and fear. To do
with lawyers bills and strategy. Yes I am worth it
and it was needed to keep him in line. But it was
expensive.
I need to dig down deep to get rid of them. its been
over a week. I will try self forgiveness next see if that
works. Ah will react very negative when he sees the
amount this month. His anger is something I fear.
I am in a bad spot with divorce rage and I know
the answer is forgiveness there also. I do not like
rage it is very uncomfortable feeling and makes
me all mixed up emotionally.
Today I feel guilty because I chose not to go help my sister clean her house in anticipation of mom's home health assessment. I feel no shame because I'm a good person and have my reasons for not going (I was there Wednesday helping and my sister yells at me and isn't aware of it and I get tired of it). I can feel guilty for not helping this day; but I am solid in my self-worth and I'm not even sure I feel shame anymore. I can feel bad that my house is a mess, but it is what it is. I work hard, stay busy and don't have to justify why its ok.
Maybe shame is tied with self-esteem?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Serenity only program experience reminds me from inside the meeting shares that I learn that when its about shame I'm feeling wrong about me and when it is about guilt I''m feeling wrong about what I've done. We are not mistakes though at times we make them however I keep in mind that I correct my mistakes and errors and my core I a loving, child of God which doesn't go away. ((((hugs)))))
