The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had a pit in my stomach lately... a gnawing kind of realization that I'm trying to push down somehow - but it keeps bubbling up.
Four years into my 2nd marriage... (first one was a decade with dry A, and now 4 years) with on and off again sober AH - who for the time being has 60 days, a sponsor a therapist and a job.
But see there's this nagging thing that I can't put away... I just keep telling myself ODAT.
Despite his YEARS in the program ( he had 10+ before I met him) he remains adolescent in his thinking and totally detached from my children and his.
They're mostly invisible. Well, sometimes he will look up from his electronic device of choice and nod while they tell them about their day at school. Sometimes he'll offer to take them for an ice cream or to the arcade. But even when he goes through the motions of these actions he is detached from them. There is no real relationship. This has brought so much heartache for myself and my young son who desperately wanted a dad.
I am beginning to wonder if he has the ability to be meaningfully engaged with anyone besides himself and me ( when he wants or needs something ).
And see now that i'm working my program - I don't need to be needed. If I choose a relationship - I will choose a grown up person who can feel emotions and connection with others.
I wonder if all the years of addiction have simply removed this ability. Perhaps it's just not in him....
I stand on my side of the street, and occasionally get a real look at him on his side - across from me, and I wonder.
So - I shove that down and do my reading and tell myself ODAT until the nagging comes back again.
LFJ It sounds as if you have a powerful awareness and are working on acceptance.
Remember the 3 As -- awareness, acceptance and action. Sitting with that situation, feeling the feelings, listening to you inner voice is all part of acceptance HP will direct the action
Thanks Betty - I needed that reminder. I am going to let HP direct the decisions and actions.
As uncomfortable as it is to sit with feelings and see the situation - I'm ok. I'm not falling apart, the sky isn't falling... I'm ok because I'm here and I have HP and the program to help me.
Jenny, i feel for you because my ex was never able to connect with his children either and it was so sad to watch. I remember my kids being amazing and interesting as kids are and he couldnt see them really, he never got the same joy as i did and i thought he was choosing to not be available emotionally. The more i learn about the disease i can feel empathy for my ex, it was a shame for him that he missed that deeper connection. I have it with my kids and i hope that has been good enough for them now they are adults and i hope they have a different experience with their kids. I think if i had got into the program when my kids were young i would have encouraged my kids to have compassion for their dad. They knew there was something wrong with our family but i didnt understand it to provide them with the right information about the disease.
Your there for your kids and your example will be part of their upbringing too and your making progress in alanon so they will havethe best chance possible.x
I understand this feeling. You have wonderful awareness of the situation and I like the idea of just sitting with it and letting God answer you in his time. I know it's hard because you can't quite put a finger on it. A friend of mine has this issue with her husband and he is not an A, but he is ADHD and that has caused a lot of problems in their marriage and home life. Hugs to you as you navigate these feelings and try to find peace and solace in God's timing.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Sorry Jenny I learned a ton of recovery by the women of Al-Anon in the first 10 + yrs. I was clueless and they told me so and when they old me I use to get pissed beyond a hornets next. I didn't get it and they use to tell me..."Get it to your female side which drove me crazy until my therapist taught me what feelings where...duhhhhh. I could do thoughts and not feelings until the growth started and then..."So that's what the hell you're talking about...what'd I got do about that stuff"?? Men don't birth themselves...we just sometimes or often just come thru the door thinking we know what's it about looking for something to keep us busy so we can make it thru the day. Drinking and drugging are a couple of those valueless things. We don't often do this stuff to piss others off we kind do it a lot because we are afraid or just not interested. When I was interested the women in my life use to be very fearful at the heavy risks I use to take in life so keeping me numb and sedate seemed the better choice at time.
What I had to do was learn how to grow myself into a more complete person...get in touch with my female side and what that means in having honest feelings and how to live wit them (the feelings...often times I can live better with the feelings and not the woman...its okay not to do that.
At the moment my wife is "caretaking me" because of the illness we are living with and it gives me great delight to remain the manager of me rather than to give up my choices to often.
Keep growing yourself sister....you can grow yourself and be wonderful if no both else applauds or not. (((((hugs)))))
Oh Jenny. I totally understand this and while I feel like I could deal with the lack of emotion towards myself, it hurts for the kids! I, like you, sometimes don't know if I can keep it up. From reading your post, and others, I am starting to see that most of the A's act very similar and are completely self-centered and cannot see anything aside from themselves and their alcohol. I guess this doesn't change much if they get sober (not sure I'll ever know what that looks like)
it sounds like you are working your program and doing well...try to not let the doubts trip you up...keep making YOUR life the best it can be :)
If they are not emotionally sober then the behaviors remain
even if dry. Their behaviors might be latent but are still there
under the veneer of normalcy. I was fooled for years ah was
okay but the disease kept progressing even though dry for
30 years just no real recovery work, even now with four
years of AA.
My ah is still emotionally immature, his ego has run amok
and he really does not see himself as acting out it is all
about me not him. He refuses to be honest so he is very
stalled in his recovery in my humble opinion.
Personally they really need to be spiritually sober to act
and think any different. My ah has no remorse about his
actions or behaviors. They are okay with him just not me.
If you asked him or his mother he is shining example of
goodness, honesty and bravery. If you ask me it would
be the exact opposite.
My A was like this. For a long time I thought it was the alcoholism, but I've come to realize (with the help of a therapist) that he has Asperger's. He's detached from everyone and doesn't understand how other people feel, or why they have the feelings they do. It's like an alien language to him. And most important of all, he doesn't care - he dismisses it. If you feel sad about something, he rolls his eyes. I know some people with Asperger's want to understand - but some don't, and he's one of those. And apparently there is a higher risk of alcoholism for people with communication/relationship problems like this. They have a hard time fitting in with other people, for reasons that are obvious to us but baffling to them. And to cope with the seemingly baffling rejection all their lives, some of them get therapy, but some of them drink. I got one of the drinking ones. Even when he's sober, he doesn't care about how people react to things. Very hard on a kid, very hard.
We were having a similar conversation at the meeting I attend last night and something I shared was looking back on my relationship I can't imagine having a conversation of a basis kind if my XAH and I were together. It was the infidelity that ultimately gave me the strength I needed to move forward and end the relationship. I watch him now with the kids and there is no emotional connection. If someone can't have an emotional connection with themselves for me I have to have an emotional/spiritual/physical/mental connection with my higher power.
That is emotional sobriety, .. I say the steps help me deal with me and the traditions help me deal with others. That's where I have to realize that not everyone is at the same place as I am and vise versa in their program .. they are right where they are suppose to be just like I am as well. If someone doesn't see an issue what is the motivation to change? After so many years of being stagnate I have to keep facing forward and moving forward. Not everyone is like that and until the emotional pain outweighs the physical payoff nothing changes.
It has come to my attention that my XAH thinks he's funny .. I'm starting to wonder where that is coming from because trust me .. he's not funny .. his humor is belittling and mean. The things he says to the kids is out of line in ways that boggle the mind and it is very obvious to me that he is probably more out of control of himself right now than he has been in the past. The new wife finds him hysterical .. personally I want to take a frying pan to his head .. lol.
I can relate to my son wants a dad .. after spending time with his dad looks at me and says mom .. when are you going to get me a new dad .. oi. Not for a LONG LONG time buddy .. and I'm just not prepared to go down the road again with someone even close to him.
Something AA pushes and I talk about for myself is rigorous honesty .. I have to have that in my life because as long as I'm doing that it's all good. I just try to stay in my own hula hoop .. he's going to get it or not .. I'm more about giving my kids the coping skills to allow his insanity be his insanity and stay out of it.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
