Can't Bring Myself to Go to F2F Meetings - Al-Anon Family Group

kspec85 · Veteran Member

Can't Bring Myself to Go to F2F Meetings

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

KSpec thanks for your honesty and clarity. I can certainly relate to being nervous and fearful about attending an Al-Anon meeting or any recovery program meeting. Believe me you are not alone as many of us needed to develop a great deal of courage to walk through those doors.
Once inside we feel the warmth, compassion, understanding and empathy of the people within and find our place with great dignity and comfort.

Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop irrational fear and dread and this is what keeps us from participating in life. Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease is extremely important to our recovery. I know in the beginning I would walk into the rooms and not share just say my name and listened to learn. All the members greeted me gave me MySpace but did not attempt to force me to speak until I was ready.

We have online meetings here which might be helpful in the meantime

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.
After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.

deacon · Senior Member

Oh I can so relate. When I finally mustered up the courage to go to a f2f meeting, I ended up sitting in the parking lot for a long time and then leaving. Did that several times before I finally got enough strength to enter the building. Went in very hesitantly and was welcomed quietly and asked to sit down. Spent the first few meetings mostly crying, not participating at all, nor was I pressured to. I just sat and listened and learned. So glad I finally entered that room because the people there, probably for the first time for me, GOT what I was living.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I could relate and it took me 10 years actually from the first time I heard about Al-anon while I was with my exAH until I finally crawled into a meeting. You will go when and if you are ready and it will be right on time. I look back and wish I had been ready to dive in sooner, but I wasn't ready so be it. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so very helpful to me when I first came to MIP. Your awareness will grow just doing the readings and coming here to MIP. I like your honesty! The meetings for me was the main course, but for now do what you feel is right for you, it is your journey and you are the captain. Sending you much love and support!

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

kspec85 your story is my story. I had huge trepidation about starting meetings. Like deacon, I sat in the parking lot more than once, and drove home without going in. One time I finally promised myself I would go in the room next week. The turmoil I lived in was greater than the fear of entering the meeting room. I knew I needed help.
I hope you can promise yourself this help. We are worth it. I am forever grateful I pushed myself to go.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I FULLY relate. It was like an admission of defeat to actually go to F2F meetings. I now know that it was not defeat....it was surrender and that was/is part of step 1. However, it was definitely a hump I had to get over. Admitting I needed help in front of a group....It felt like me saying "I suck. I screwed up and I need you guys to fix me." I also thought that if I went to face to face, I would break down and be a mess in front of a group of strangers and they would all see me as pathetic and crazy.

In retrospect - I know now that nobody saw me that way. We see newcomers as the lifeblood of the program. Most newcomers show up in bad shape and that is normal. I did cry through much of my first meeting and the response was that I was surrounded with support that I desperately needed. I finally was not like "I got this...I'm fine...leave me alone" because I was NOT fine. I needed that support and gave myself permission to receive it. Life only got better from there. That one act was a large part of surrender, believing in a higher power (the program itself) and turning my will over by finally letting others in rather than trying to fix my busted life and thinking with the same busted mind that got me there. So, in essence, I (and you will) worked elements of steps 1, 2, and 3 just by getting off my butt and going to the first meeting.

I wish the same experience for you. I'm not sure why us humans tend to isolate and suffer in silence...It's common though. We all did it. Time to stop.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 17th of April 2015 09:01:25 AM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi kspec,

*everybody* who walks int one of those meeting rooms for the first time is a wreck. I certainly was. And, even though I've only been in Al Anon for a year and a half, I have already seen people come in who were wrecks, staid wrecks for a few weeks, then grow in strength. Then hearing the old-timer's tales, it could be the woman you see across the table who seems like a pillar of strength, came into the room 15 years ago not able to even cry, but stared at people and didn't talk for three weeks until she broke down and was able to tell her story. She went through the steps and kept coming, and is now the person you see today.

When you are ready to go to a meeting you will be ready. Try online meetings first like Betty said, you won't have to see anybody that way. But don't worry about being an emotional wreck when you go to your first F2F meeting. In fact, if you come to Al Anon the first time and aren't an emotional wreck that is *more* likely to make people wonder if you are ok!

Kenny

CoopsMom · Veteran Member

Thank you for posting this. I have also been avoiding walking into that first F2F meeting. There are some weeks where I feel like reading literature, reading posts on MIP and listening to my books on tape will be enough. It's all helping, but I keep avoiding taking that next step, the one that I know will only help me further. I am scared, but mostly I am in denial. I would rather just wait until I don't need Al-Anon anymore. Ha! I now realize that I have been waiting for that for years and it's doing me no good. I think I also avoid going because I have become a bit of a martyr and a know-it-all. I switch from "boo-hoo me" to "I've go this all figured out". I need to "get over myself" and show up so I can learn something and get the support I need.

The fact that I am having this hard of a time admitting I need help and showing up to the meeting, has helped open my eyes to how hard it must be for my AH to do the same. Don't get me wrong, I still wish he would JUST DO IT already! But it's not really fair of me to push it on him, if I cant even do it...

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate, it was hard to walk through that door but that feeling lasted about 5 minutes. I was welcomed with hugs, not staring eyes really. The hugs were a bit strange at first. Every person sitting there had to make that first journey through the doors to find their seat so everyone knows how you feel. You could call the phone line, from the website, you might find someone could meet you and go in with you to make it that bit easier. Thats what I love about Alanon, its a doing program, someone will help you and gladly.x

ntd2001 · Veteran Member

Hi kspec, welcome to Al-Anon and MIP. Thanks so much for your honesty. Please know that you have done a great service for yourself by coming this far and showing up to this forum.

I too have not attended f2f yet, mostly due to scheduling and health problems. As has been shared by others, MIP has fourteen meetings a week and the chatroom that hosts it is available 24/7 for outreach.

If scheduling is a problem for you, as it has been for me, you could also try a service Al-Anon provides called the phone bridge. This is a 24 hour phone line that hosts numerous Al-Anon conference call meetings throughout the day, and during off hours is open for sharing and reading Al-Anon literature.

The link for more info is: phonemeetings.org/

So glad you found us, and you are always welcome here. Please keep coming back!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually what it was for me was (((((Fear)))))or as I came to understand "False Evidence Appearing Real"....my head was dreaming all kinds of scenarios about what would and could happen so I stayed our and resisted and then because I was told that the disease could and would get worse I if not returned so I went back after it got unbearable and didn't care what others thought just that I didn't want to die crazy and alone. The loved me back into the rooms and I did new stuff especially like going to strangers to listen for help is scary and only for maybe the first time or so...after that for me what over came me was love and support.

If you don't know how will you know what the help and recovery will feel like? (((((hugs)))))

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I went to the first few weeks just fine. It was all new to me. I didn't know what AlAnon was. I had never heard the name mentioned before until my hubby started AA. Then it was suggested that I go to AlAnon. So I did. For a few weeks I went 5 days/week. Then I balked and didn't want to go anymore. I would take my daughter to AlATeen and sit in the parking lot reading a book. I convinced myself that I would be happier if I read the book instead. People who recognized me would come by the car and invite me in to the meeting, but I knew I didn't want to go. I think it was ego. Not that I didn't need the content of the meeting but I didn't want to be with "those" people who needed help and admit that I really need help...... for a lot of things that had absolutely nothing to do with the alcoholic. And I didn't want that stuff pointed out to me.

It was all about me. I am a good philosophizer (spelling). I like to figure things out. I did graduate college. It was ALL ego. I didn't want it pointed out that I wasn't all those things. I can't figure this out. I can't philosophize about it. I can't bang my fist down on a table and make things different. I can't rationalize.

There are gobs of stuff on the web that will help with your AlAnon. Use that until you figure out why you can't make it to a face to face.

Take care of yourself

Fairlee · Senior Member

It took me several "drive bys" before I actually stopped my car at a meeting...then I took off without going in! Then when I finally got up the nerve, after weeks of driving by, I parked in the wrong place and the business that I parked in ran out and yelled at me! Lol I felt like such an idiot! I did finally go, went for 3 weeks (closest meetings are an hour away for me...sadly) and when I was going I loved it (after the initial awkwardness...I am very socially awkward as well, especially around people I am not close to) I need to make an effort to get back into it - I'm a little embarrassed about going back now because I have been gone for so long but I know I need it and the F2F meetings really, really do make a huge difference. I hope that you will muster up the courage to go and I hope you, unlike myself, will keep going back :) you are worth it!

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