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Post Info TOPIC: The Great Distraction


~*Service Worker*~

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The Great Distraction


I received a picture message before from Abf's brother. It is of a clean-shaven, short haired ABF. My immediate thought was "But where will all of the woodland creatures live now?"

Next came a surprisingly long message from ABF himself (he's more or less illiterate and tends to write in monosyllables and rude pictures) where he actually sort of talked to me in a really new way. He must have taken a long time to write it and looked up the spelling which is a lot of effort for him because it was coherent and interesting to read. I don't mean that to be in any way harsh, I mean he is actually illiterate and for him to have written a long and coherent message would have taken a lot of painstaking effort. He asked me how I was, and told me that he had gone to get his belongings from storage that day (he has been storing what i can only describe as garbage for 6 years now at a cost of over $10,000) and that he had taken almost all of it to the tip and had moved only the very important stuff into his room at his brothers house. He said would you believe it, now that I have a bed to put things underneath and my bookshelf, I actually have more room in here so it's really good! (He said something positive, wtf???) He went on to say that he has had a haircut and shave and purchased some decent clothes and is attending job interviews. He went on to say that as he no longer has to pay for storage he will begin repaying me the money he owes me next pay, and also that he misses me and he knows I don't want him to come to my house but he would really love it if I could visit him some time  and he hopes he will be able to talk to me soon. 

There weren't any threats or complaints in the message and, I was very pleased to learn he dealt with all of his stuff in storage without trying to bring it to my house and he actually felt positive about the way it had turned out. . It was probably the most mature and reasonable communication I have ever had from him, to be honest. Ever. 

So a while later I had a call from he and his brother in the car, A's brother has a new fridge and he has an old one to get rid of (I know the fridge, it is decent and a million times better than mine) and they wonder, would I like it and Abf will pay his brother $200 (extremely reasonable) out of the funds he owes me (that I never expected back anyway) if I would like it and no pressure, just give it some thought and they will bring it over if I give the word.

Later I did speak briefly to A on skype and he seemed...different. The was none of the usual BS, he just said "look I miss you, I love you, I'm trying to find a job and I'm going to stop sitting on my A** and start trying to turn this S*** around and I'm going to hold out hope that there is still a chance for us".

The weird thing is, I kind of hadn't even thought about him for...maybe a week? He isn't a part of my daily thinking now; I'm used to my life and I like it, I haven't been missing him or even thinking about him. I had a moment of guilt when he said he has been missing me because I rarely think of him now and when I do it's usually a negative thought.

I care about him and it was really good to hear him speaking in language I understand where he is a grown up and I am a grown up and everything isn't my fault. That is new. Also, some pangs because he is shaved and clean and I'll be honest, he's a very attractive man when he isn't covered in hair and filth and hobo clothes. 

Anyway I restated my boundary...or my baseline or whatever it is, that I will be willing to meet with him if and when he has his crap together enough to be able to actually meet me somewhere, for a meal or a night out or even a coffee or a walk in the park, somewhere without needing me to provide a bus fare or pay for him. If he can meet me out in the real world without needing assistance, I will meet with him and we can talk. 

Anyway it doesn't change anything in my life, but it is nice to hear him communicating with me in a grown-up way and not putting any pressure or guilt on me. I'm keeping my boundaries, in fact they are stronger than ever because no way I am allowing even one night of bull-poo into our home when daughter is finally feeling free to express herself and deal with her feelings. 

Now that is enough thinking about it because good grief, Mel, assignments?

Gah.

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 16th of April 2015 10:52:11 PM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3968
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You rock! Sending you much love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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Sounds like hes got into aa and is working the steps. Wouldnt that be good? It amazed me the changes that happened when i made the right changes.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh el-cee, I wish. If that guy could get himself into AA and start working the steps, he would be formidable. If he could turn his self hate into self love I think I might develop all of my codependent crap all over again. And then work it into something better. I really do love him, I really do wish. I cant change it, I do love him.
But I don't think that is what is going on.
I think he is on an upswing. I think he has told his brother he is missing me and together they have got him looking good. El cee in Ireland you have the Pogues to say this stuff. Here we have Paul Kelly. www.youtube.com/watch



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Good you can see clearly whats going on. I remember the days i would have interpreted his changes as final. His brother may be hoping to pass him back to you. Ive heard it said a lot, its very difficult to lose an alcoholic. They are like boomerangs, just keep coming back.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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Lovely connection Ms. M. I really like how you have stayed in reality as you appreciated your exbfs generous offer and apparent changes. Treating him with kindness is a great gift to yourself.
Good luck with yours studies.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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What you may be seeing from him Mel - Some initial growth now that he has only himself to blame for his crappy life. It will take a year or two of him making these efforts and also staying sober for those changes to be real and lasting. Not saying you are doing this because you clearly stated you weren't and were focused on your daughter - but I think most folks still in the relationship with the A fall for this because it like dangling a big juicy carrot in front of you....everything the A could be and that you wanted for the A is right there in front of you. That is usually enough to keep folks rooked in or taking the A back because it's a pretty powerful image and statement right? Real sobriety is keeping that act up for like a whole year or two and then becoming it and not just playing that role.

Awesome post...I'm proud of you and happy for you. The post just sent me on another little tangent about how A's often clean up and make promises and sound good but, unless it is sustained for quite sometime...best be guarded. I like your response...basically "good for you! maybe we'll talk later" and not "OMG! Why didn't you do this before! This is the version of you I love! Come back to me!!!! I can see how hard you are trying and that must mean you really love me after all!!!!"

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~*Service Worker*~

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I love Pinkchip's ESH, he is spot on! My exAH over the 15 years of back and forth with his manipulating game play, would clean up and do the work just long enough to get me back, then boom, right back to what can I do for him. In early 2002 we had separated and I was dating a very awesome guy who doted on me, after 6 months my exAH saw that it was starting to get serious and he turned it up and did everything I ever dreamed he would do. Sadly I dropped that sweet man in a heart beat and felt I deserved exactly what I got, my exAH back and he reverted right back to all the before hand crap within 2 weeks and even shook my hand off the first week and said he can't keep this up, holding hands and cuddling crap was just too much for him! I laugh now, but back then realizing just how gullible I was and how bad I wanted to believe that old tiger could grow spots from his stripes! I stayed with him until 4 years ago that time and it was the worst stretch of them all with only a couple short separations. I thought I deserved all that I went through for leaving such a great guy and breaking his heart, like I was supposed to be a martyr my whole life. You are so smart, brave and funny, your awareness amazes me. So glad you are here! Sending you much love and support!



-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 17th of April 2015 07:59:09 AM

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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Pink I think it will take more than a year or two of sustained effort before I would even consider it. I believe the saying is, 12 miles into the forrest, 12 miles out.
That applies to both of us. I still love him, sure I do. I don't imagine i could ever be with anyone else. But my entire life isnt being with someone and it is the coolest thing ever that I get to explore the other stuff now. If he wants to be with me he can make 9 years of sustained effort trying to love me with no reward. I have told him this is what it will take for us to get back together. Of course I dont expect him to actually do it but he seems to be having a go and who doesnt want to be idealised. He's making efforts to do what I have told him I want even though we haven't been near each other for months. He can do that, I am not interested in being with anyone else so I don't think it is dishonest. But he will have to demonstrate actual years and I mean years of devotion to being a good guy for me before I will consider something different.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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I hear you melly... I was being kind in saying a year or two lol. I was still a big baby at a year sober and still have my moments at 6 and a half years. Your A reduced himself to an even lower point with no job, isolated in the room...nonfunctional. It may take even longer to become functional again. Plus he isn't really in recovery for real so I suspect he's trying to make these changes while "drinking less" or temporarily going on the wagon. I know where that leads. It leads to stopping long enough for life to get better then internal dialog kicks in "I am doing good now. I can handle a few drinks..." then the spiral begins again. That is why you are so wise to know this cycle already and be off the merry go round.

As far as being with someone else. Sounds like it's not high on the priority list and not where your heart is at right now. Sounds like a much needed "single phase" for you and I also respect that a lot too.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I still think of myself as his girl. He is just on a very, very, very long sabbatical.
Sometimes guys like me. The cute ticket guy at the train station almost leaps out of his ticket box with excitement when I go there. He actually came out to ask me out the other day and I did a weird "I have to go and stand over here now" thing. Because are you serious? I've been watching this guy for a while. He goes to work like every day. And he seems to like his job and he's happy and friendly. What a freak. I don't think I could go there.



-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 17th of April 2015 09:49:35 AM

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

Also, honestly if he was recovering, or even making a show of recovery, I doubt I could stop myself. I'd be by his side in a second. But he isn't recovering, he is doing exactly what you guys say, he's just not drinking for a bit and having, as I said, a sabbatical. It's attractive and I can't even describe how much I want to. But until there is growth and recovery for both of us, it just can't happen. He's been messaging me all night and it's messing up my head. I feel sad and full of self doubt. Oh lets not beat around the bush, i hate myself when I talk to him. I get so morose and guilty, I can barely raise my head.

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1020
Date:

Ick I hate that hating myself time. Have you considered blocking his number?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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Sounds like he's going all out to reel you in.  They love messing with our heads.  They love the drama and the feeling of power.  It makes them think that they're really on top of things.  (Like, so on top of things that they can control their drinking.)  That stove is very hot.  I touched it way too many times. 



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Senior Member

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Interesting you changed and said "no" to him. And so he had to change. 

A few more "no's" and he will get better every time. 

Sounds good Mel, but we all know action speak louder than words 

Id give it a year at least, that gives you time to explore and be more of "who you are". 

You know from your own experience to be careful with your heart.... linsc

 



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