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Post Info TOPIC: Win.


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:
Win.


 Took daughter for her assessment today (so she can see a counsellor). She has been talking to me in a really productive way and has been willing to discuss setting some better ground rules with me (sleeping more, eating breakfast, not isolating herself, less screen time,  basic self-care stuff that she has been extremely stubborn about for...well, more or less since we moved out of the home we shared with A, actually). Anyway I'm impressed with how she is dealing with this little crisis and I think much good can come of it if we make the most of it and work together.

The doctor wrote that he recommended family counselling for her to help her/us deal with conflict and expressing anger in a healthy way. As soon as I read that I realised that this is extremely positive in more ways than one. Daughter has been talking to me quite a bit about what is bugging her and I am surprised at how much of that discussion has been about how much she hates the dynamic at her fathers house. (I had pretty much assumed her anger was all directed towards me). She feels her stepmother orders her around and makes outrageous demands and rules and her father refuses to speak up for her in any way. I already knew this but felt helpless to do anything about it. For example she said he had allowed her to do something and when stepmother found out she had gone crazy and demanded daughter had been punnished by being grounded for the entire weekend and that her father had agreed with the punishment and sided with step mother and actually yelled at daughter after giving her permission to commit the punishable offense in the first place! (it was using instagram which is apparently not allowed in their home although her father uses it and comments on daughters pictures constantly so there's not much sense being made there). Anyway the reason I'm detailing this as an example is that I can see where she adores her father yet he bends completely to the will of his wife and daughter is punished severely if she dares speak out. Bear with me because I am going somewhere with this, not just complaining on her behalf. I know as another example that at daughters last birthday they had a party but daughter's likes and wishes were discounted completely and the wife instead demanded a party with pink balloons and pink flamingoes and all kinds of things that daughter hates. The cake wasn't even gluten free and daughter is completely gluten intolerant and couldn't have any. Wife invited all of their friends and family (mostly unknown to daughter) and then on the day of the party tried to demand daughter wear a pink outfit. Daughter has never done pink, never. She's been a purple girl since she was old enough to see colour. Anyway she refused to wear the pink ensemble and apparently stepmother went into a screaming rage in front of some 100 guests and daughter was sent to her room. This kind of stuff is reported to me regularly and it was so hard to know what to do for a long time as ex husband will only side with his wife and tell me "she does so much for our daughter" (???). When I tried having a conversation with the wife the other day she basically told me I had no right to disagree with her because she has "fed and bathed my daughter since she was small" (every second weekend and anyway I never wanted that, ugh!!) and for a long time she has claimed "rights" as my daughter's mother (like chopping off and bleaching  her hair, piercing her ears, buying first bras, just stuff you do not do with someone else's child) and she's done so with the full support of my ex and it has all made me feel so helpless and angry I have almost lost my mind completely more than once.

So no-one seems to be willing or able to stand up to this little dictator and I have simply been relieved now that daughter is of an age where she can choose not to visit their home and I have felt sad and worried about the fact that daughter loves her father but feels completely let down by him and mistreated in his home, and obviously angry that she is not allowed to challenge or disagree with anything on that side of her family. And perhaps in sympathy and guilt  I have allowed her far too much room to challenge, disagree with and defy me and we have become a lawless home where I am not respected and so the wheel turns with me assuming helplessness and in turn teaching daughter helplessness and hating myself for it yet feeling helpless all the same...

ANYWAY here's the thing. Daughter's father and She Who Must Not Be Named (OK daughter calls her that and it makes me giggle)  have been saying for a long time that daughter has a million emotional problems and needs psychological help. So today, as I had told him I would, I sent him the information about daughter having counselling and that he would be free to attend some family sessions (he won't, we have been down this road with pediatricians, parent teacher interviews and the like and it is always far too much effort for him to actually attend anything). Knowing this I added "or you will be free to consult on the phone if you wish". The point being that daughter is now going to be attending counselling with a focus on handling family conflict (which her family are expected to participate in) and in expressing her emotions and boundaries etc (instead of internalising it and taking it out on herself). So now daughter is going to be able to arm herself with all kinds of new tools and they will be presented with all of the resources for family conflict resolution that are now part of the "psychological intervention" they wanted for her and really this is fantastic news because it means things are going to have to change at their house, or daughter simply won't go. I will send them the resources, invite them to sessions and present them with the reccomendations.(I mean when it is reasonable to do so, I don't mean I'm going to bombard them or get revenge for the constant "parenting resources" she likes to send me). My communication will be only to him and only in relation to relevant stuff from the counselling sessions. 

What they do with that information is their business.But I can see many ways in which it could improve daughter's experience of visiting her father and that is a BIG win. Now as if to prove this point he texted me repeatedly asking if I could have daughter call him and today I did, texting him only once to give him the counsellor information and to say I will have her call you tonight, please be sure to be positive and encouraging towards her. (HA). So when she got off the phone she said he had actually (for the first time EVER) asked her if there was anything she needed for school that he could buy for her and that he had promised to pay for some stuff she needs. He also texted me an apology which is nice but I have no intention of getting back on the merry go round so communication can remain where it is now; I will only respond to pertinent information and any further abuse will merit public conversations only or the use of a 3rd party.

IN the mean time is counselling and al-anon/al-ateen for daughter and I and I look forward to both of us stocking up our toolkits and reaping the benefits, regardless of what her "other family" choose to do. 

Win.



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 16th of April 2015 02:40:05 PM

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

Great posting Ms. M. I am so happy to read of this outcome. Keep on keeping on.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1020
Date:

The way I see it, you are modeling for your daughter a very valuable technique of locating and taking advantage of help. She may sense you were worried about what to do after her last visit to her dad's. Now she sees her take-charge mom getting the two of you (never mind her dad and his wife) on track. I admire the tenacity and courage you continue to show in working your program. As the other parents here have said, THEIR teen years are when WE find new challenges and wisdom. Good job.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

I have to laugh.

I did have a conversation with daughter about how I do not want to censor her artwork (she has a lot of followers on the site where she posts her art and photographs... and I think that is great) but that as she had posted something so grave and frightening for those that care about her and, given the consequences we are now facing, that I would continue to support her sharing her work as long as she was now and forevermore mindful of the impact her shared art might have and to make an effort to keep it "light" for the moment.

So I've just been looking at her latest offering. It's a bunny again. With a party-hat on it's head, and a balloon in it's hand, and a party whistle in its mouth. Rolling its eyes with a "ho-hum" look on it's face. It's called "Party Bunny". At least her sarcasm is still in tact.

Now I have sat down to see where I am at with my school work (which I have been ignoring all week) and it seems I have 3 assignments due this Sunday and none of them are small or easy. It's almost lunchtime on Friday here in the underworld. Old me would have thrown in the towel and said "well I just can't, there's always too much drama for me to have a life of my own". But if I put my nose to the grindstone I can complete 2 of them at least giving them a day each and and perhaps plead a 2 or 3 day extension for the third if I am running out of time. I won't lie though, this will be a pretty monumental challenge. And outside my bedroom window, a very large pile of newspapers have just been left for me to deliver by the end of today, and my Mother has just informed me that they have shuffle their schedule and are coming on Sunday with the new bed to go in daughter's room and to help me get it all set up. So that makes it impossible, right?
No. Not this time. I have given up too many times because "I just aren't allowed to have time to study". Daughter will have to help me deliver the papers after school this time. I will tell Mother I won't be able to pause working for long if they come although I appreciate it very much.

And in the spirit of delegation, who wants an assignment to do? Any takers?
lol. I don't think I can anymore, I know I can and if I don't, it won't be because I didn't give it my best shot.





__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3968
Date:

Wow, you are amazing!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1091
Date:

Oh, wow, Missmeliss! Were I years ago where you are now! I am just finally learning not to let the crazy get in the way of my education. Good for you! You can do it!!!

__________________

Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu

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