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Hello, all. I'm 57, was "diagnosed" as an ACA a few years ago. I'm divorced for the second time (my choice, no drama, still friends). I met someone through one of those dating websites. In our first (so far) date, she told me she was a recovering alcoholic, has been C&S for over 18 years. From what she told me, she is attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, whereas, I'm the opposite. After the date, she told me that i needed to treat her like a horse that hasn't had a rider for a long time and to "go slow" with her. I've had past experience with another recovering alcoholic who once told me how she felt when she was drunk. I'm feeling the same way now I did when I was dating the other woman (anxious, feeling too eager to please), which is not how I felt when we first started chatting and before the date. I'm letting her occupy too much of my mental real estate right now and it's making me crazy. I'm taking care of myself and business (paying bills, keeping in contact with friends, starting golf lessons this weekend, preparing for an interview for a new job). Also, I've been chatting with another woman who isn't an alcoholic, and I feel relaxed with her.
My friends and sister say I should "run, run, run as fast as you can" from the alcoholic. Am I unconsciously trying to demonstrate that I'm a better man than any emotionally UNavailable jerk she could meet, and tailoring my behaviors to avoid losing her, and probably losing my boundaries?
Thanks.
-- Edited by Old School on Thursday 16th of April 2015 02:08:28 PM
It sounds to me as if you (like many of us) are in the same position as the recovering alcoholic who walks into a bar. "I bet I can handle it this time ... see, this one serves food too ... it's more like a restaurant really ... it really is hardly a bar at all ... sure, they serve alcohol but it's just as a side to a meal ... I'll just take a seat ... mm, the food looks good ... mighty salty ... sure am thirsty..."
When we're An-Anoners or the like, our "pickers" are broken. Most people, faced with the feelings you're facing, would say "This is not for me. This person sets off bad feelings, there are danger flags all over. I'm going to move on." The fact that all your friends are saying "Run!" shows that this is the case. But people like us, when we see red flags, conditions, warnings, the chance to have a drama-filled relationship - we're all subconsciously getting excited. "Feels familiar! Feels so good! Maybe I can 'win' this time! Sure feels attractive!"
In a normal, healthy relationship, in its early stages, when you see a red flag, you can walk away without regret. Maybe you think, "Too bad that couldn't have worked out," but you don't feel pulled in two directions. The fact that we feel pulled in two directions is evidence that the addictions are operating again. The addictions are all happy: "Yes! Drama! Chaos!"
I would take that awareness that you have seriously. Good healthy relationships are not full of angst. They are full of peace. I hope you'll make sure you hold out for a relationship of peace.
Mattie what you just stated has given me some real understanding into my younger sister's history. The first man she married at 19 was very emotionally abusive, a heavy drinker and later on into drugs. The second man was, as she told me, the kindest, sweetest guy who respected and loved her and made her feel like she was so special. BUT... he was an alcoholic and died just before Christmas. By the time he died, she no longer thought he was such a 'sweet' guy as he displayed much of the behavior you see in a lot of alcoholics. I told her then that she needed to work on her, to heal herself and find out why she picked men like this. She needed to become aware of both her enabling behavior and the red flags in a relationship. She agreed that she needed time alone .
Fast forward three months and she has met another man. A wonderful man who is the kindest, sweetest guy etc. When she told me it was hearing the same old words all over again. I met him at a wedding and.... well he is at best a heavy drinker and he is already patronizing her and telling her how to behave.
Why she cannot see what the rest of the family saw very quickly, I will never know. Even her grown children very voicing their worry. So Mattie is right- take a long, long time and take off the rose coloured glasses and really see her clearly.
