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My wife is home today, said she would take care of some things, give the dogs some attention. Great.
Well, she decided to "test" one of our dogs to see if he would come back inside if she let him out to potty without a leash. First time, he came back. Second time, he was GONE. She KNOWS that I do not want the dogs out off leash. We live in a rural vacation community/neighborhood. Tons of people crammed in near the water, with farms, deer, and turkeys all around. I do not want to risk losing my dog and having him hurt or worse because someone is driving too fast or doesn't want a random dog around their home.
He is probably just enjoying a bit of a run in the woods or fields, maybe playing by the river, but you never know what other people will do if they see a stray dog.
So, here I sit, an hour away with meetings to go to, worrying about my dog because she felt like "testing" him instead of walking downstairs to get a leash. She says she is sorry, she feels bad that she lost him, and I am just SO angry with her. This was just careless and lazy. He didn't even have his collar or tags on! He isn't micro-chipped. He isn't trained off leash. Why would she take such a risk with his safety?
Ugh. He has only been gone an hour. He will probably be back home before I am back from work. I posted him on our local lost dog websites, in case anyone finds him. And, there is nothing else I can do about this until I get home tonight. "accept the things I cannot change...."
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
He is back home, safe and sound and covered in burrs. I guess he ran over to the neighbor to introduce himself, and she recognized him from somewhere and locked him in her garage. Thank goodness someone with a clear head was around to help my boy get back home!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I'm glad he made it back, what a beautiful dog! We moved from a house a year or so ago where the neighbors all knew our dogs and, even though our yard was fenced in, occasionally they would get out and we would get a string of texts from neighbors whose yards they had visited!
As tired said, As ar risk takers. Some people have other names for that kind of behavior lol. This is something you will need to deal with on ongoing basis it sounds like, you have had problems with wife not taking care of the dogs right, it won't get better. My wife loves our son so dearly, we had to have IVF to have him, but when she was active she would just take him drunk in the car, no problem, she didn't even recognize that she was drunk so didn't see the danger she was putting him in.
So happy to read of such a successful, positive outcome. I can so understand your concern and love how you processed this. The dog is beautiful !!! I think that there is no such things as accidents and that there is a huge learning experience here for all concerned.
Sorry Skorpi.
Constantly endangering the pets was one of the myriad reasons I could no longer live with my A partner. I ended up a virtual prisoner in the house...because I felt I needed to be there to protect our pets from his "risk taking". Just letting the dog out the front door to roam the streets (and then passing out for 2 days) was not a problem in his book, nor was stupider behaviour in the end like tying the cat in the back yard with a string around his neck (he'll be FINE stop CONTROLLING ME). Another few minutes and the cat would have choked himself to death. Tying the dog on a long enough lead to jump the fence...attached to a choke chain around his neck...was another great idea he constantly had when I was absent from the house no matter how many times I explained the danger of doing so and asked him to promise he wouldn't. I felt that he increased these sorts of dangerous behaviours more and more the more I began taking care of myself and my life outside of the home; perhaps as a means to keep me there, if not physically then at least emotionally because I was never able to think about anything else for long. Maybe it's not right to guess at motives but the result was that if I was not at home I was constantly worried about home and rushing to get back...makes it pretty hard to get on with life doesn't it?
I'm glad your dog is safe anyway.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
It also sounds like it would be a good idea to get the dog's collar on, with tags, and get the dog chipped. Because in my experience, alcoholics never do any reckless behavior only once.
Uffff. Apparently, it was THE DOG'S FAULT that he ran away. Seriously? No, that was our big fight tonight. Alex is a dog. He smelled something (SQUIRREL) and wanted to run. (Can I blame him? He hasn't had his usual walks with my deadline looming) He decided that hanging with the neighbors and waiting for me was a good plan. Honestly, can I blame him? Given some experiences with my wife, I'd rather be with the neighbors, too.
My wife is upset with me, because she feels like I blame her for Alex running off. (Well, she was the one to open the door for him and let him out without a leash...) She doesn't feel like I am giving the dog any responsibility for his actions. (No, really. That was a direct-ish quote.) He knows better. (How? Because I am working on aggression and panic with him, not off-leash behavior. Giving this dog frontline treatments is a 2 hour-minimum task.)
My dad pointed out that I had a big day today. I just sent my paper to committee yesterday, I had a meeting with the writing center today, followed by a meeting with my adviser. And today is the day she lets my dog out. Hmmmmm. My dad said he notices that whenever I have something important going on, my wife finds a way to prevent it. She uses the dogs to do this. My parents are in town? Great. The dogs get out on her and I have to miss time with my parents because we are all (aka my parents and me) looking for the dogs. I am SO close to finally graduating. Great. The day after I send my stuff to committee and am supposed to meet with my adviser, Alex gets out and runs off. I ALMOST dropped everything and drove an hour home to look for him. Good for me that I didn't, and my neighbor's need some sort of HUGE thank you for closing him in their garage until I could come collect him.
The funny thing about the whole incident is that when I went to collect Alex, the neighbor had him on a 3 foot slender pink leash that they use for their mop-dog. (My cats have more substantial leashes) Alex, who MUST outweigh this neighbor dog by at least 10:1 walked along with this 70-some year old woman on a mini pink leash as if the leash was MADE for him, and she was the best lady in the world. I think she is.
On another note: my lovely wife drove the truck around today (a 94 Sonoma). I asked her to start it, because Alex loves riding in the truck, (he will usually come running if he thinks he gets a ride). START and DRIVE are different. She is suspended for three years because of the DUI stuff. (When our last truck's transmission went - the 86 ford Ranger, I still started the motor, even though the truck wouldn't move, and Alex would come running and jump in the cab when he got out on the farm. He just loves the sound of a truck motor.) So, She drove MY truck today. Ok, She didn't JUST drive my truck today around the neighborhood looking for the dog. Somewhere along the line, she got us takeout dinner, bought a ton of alcohol, and ordered a bunch of shots from the bartender somewhere. Which means that she drove my truck home drunk. (Rewinding to the car accident: the car she totaled was in my name, and so the tow, storage, and the damage to city property bills are also in my name. Making her pay them means points against my shaky credit that I am just getting back together after years with her "helpful" partner decisions) When I found this out, I went down to the truck and pulled the ignition fuse. It sounds like it is trying to start now, but it doesn't start. That means she can't drive it. This feels so deceptive. Again, my dad says, can't you just trust her not to drive the truck? No, no I cannot. There is a German saying: trust is good, knowledge is better. I KNOW she cannot drive the truck now. That makes the trust easier. I can take all the keys I know about with me, and she still has one hidden somewhere. But how CRAZY is it that I have to actually pull a fuse to make sure that she follows the court order? Well, and more to the point, that she doesn't involve my property in bad choices and stick me will the bill? Just shaking my head to that...
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
My ex-AH kept saying, "If you don't trust me, buy a breathalyzer! Then whenever you suspect I've been drinking, you can just breathalyze me!" Like that would be a normal marriage!
The truth is that I was married to a man who thought buying a breathalyzer would be the solution to our lack of trust. That was his crazy thing. My crazy thing was staying married to a man who thought buying a breathalyzer would be the solution to our lack of trust. Yep, that was my crazy thing.
((Skorpi)) I can see your wisdom evolve with great strides from each of these difficult learning experiences. It is apparent your Dad sees the manipulations that you are up against and is reaching out to help .
A wise person, T. Roosevelt said it well : Speak softly and carry a big stick Not that I am advocating carrying a stick but protecting ourselves in all situations.
Now that you have submitted your school thesis, can you make the e time to set up a workable plan for the pets and your finances.?
Betty, good questions, and good reminders! May 11 is the big day. Then, I will have until June 12 to "fix it" before I file with the grad school.
The financial plan is actually already underway. At least mine is, and it involves paying for stuff from the accident that is in my name because the car was in my name. (NOT doing that again, but also NOT letting her wreck my credit any more with this stuff.) Managed to keep the power on, yay! And, almost caught up on that bill. About to sign up for the CSA with the tax refund, there are the summer groceries. $500 is a lot to come up with up front, but then 28 weeks worth of food... makes a HUGE difference. And, I have a few hundred dollars in savings now again. (I did before my wife's accident, but that was wiped away in towing and medical bills.) My wife has bills yet from the accident, but as long as they are bills in her name, I am not touching them. She needs to get a job and take care of her business. I haven't had a collections call in over a month, and just have 3 major bills to pay off. (Taxes, car, second mortgage). The car is priority 1, because my dad paid it off and I owe him. Then taxes, because I am only a year behind (used to be three!). Then, the second mortgage, which is joint with my wife, who doesn't want to pay it at all. If I follow my plan, this time next year, I should be close to paid up!
As for the pets: well, yes. cats have clean boxes tonight and dogs are set. Chloe LOVES her new crate and the calming drugs are working very well for her! If I get up at 5, I can walk the pups before work, in shifts. (I used to walk 5 at a time. now, three is overwhelming. My fault, lack of training in a new environment.) And, I am trying to find a treadmill, so the pups and I can walk even in the rain and cold of winter. Just waiting for that perfect used treadmill offer in craigslist.
About the quote from Roosevelt: I studied Akido in college, and loved it for the defensive aspects of the art. Carrying a big stick doesn't mean that one has to use the stick. It just means that one is not defenseless. And, thanks to Alanon, I am definitely no longer defenseless.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Great !!!!Sounds as if you have a plan and with program, HP , One Day at a Time, you will continue to walk through this with serenity courage and wisdom.
Remember to be very gentlw with yourself in the process.
Wow! Reading these last several posts brought tears to my eyes. Betty always articulates things so beautifully and clearly... and you have come such a long way in such a short time. I'm so glad you have a loving relationship with your dad. He clearly loves you and wants you to be safe and healthy.
And for me - removing the ignition plug thingy is really just another avenue to keep yourself safe. I think those of us who choose to continue to live with our A probably have several strategies built in to protect ourselves. Me? the car, the house, the checking and savings - all in my name. I've also discussed a financial order of protection with him should our assets increase... basically it's a prenup after the nuptuals. He is working his program and agreeable to this. He understands he's never once been responsible with money, therefore he should have none in his name.
Trust is earned. You are learning to trust yourself. That comes before making any big decisions for me. And, good things are on the horizon, and soon! It amazes me how quickly HP will meet us halfway when we begin to sincerely look for "him/her" in our life. I've never been let down when I let go and let God.
I see you understand the difference between it being the dog's fault and your wife's fault. That is because you know how a dog works, and waht a dog is. You know that, if you give a dog freedom and it smells a squirrel, well, just like in the movie Up, he gets distracted instantly and is off. SQUIRREL!!
Now you are finding out about alcoholic behavior as well. You know what the dog will do under certain circumstances, and you are finding out what the alcoholic does under certain circumstances. The behavioral understanding is all coming together for you. This is why in Al Anon we say "The A's gonna drink, what are YOU gonna do?"
Now you know that the wife is inherently unreliable with the pets, so I would agree that they all need to be chipped as long as you leave them in her care. Or you don't ever leave them in her care again, because you KNOW that at some time she is going to mishandle them. Purposely, accidentally, or subconsciously "accidentally on purpose" doesn't matter, the result is the same.
I'm so glad your dad is supportive, it so often happens that the whole family is dysfunctional when alcoholism is involved, so it's great that he is actually a help to you, not only in fathoming how the wife works, but help you so much with transportation.
Skorpi...got an old reaction from your post and wanted to look at it again. I remember going after my wife in the past for a mistake she did and I couldn't let it go or maybe better still wouldn't let it go and instead of having control over it, it had control over me. I wouldn't let it go and spoke with my sponsor and after listening deeply he asked me, "so what are you really angry at"? I was about to venture into the land of deep resentments which surprised me that they were so strong and that for many I had I would blame my alcoholic addict even though she had nothing to do with many before we even met. I had held to so many pains and hurts for so long I needed a new blamer to justify them. When I learned about this with my sponsor and the program even I was relieved at how much relief I got. No she didn't stop drinking or using then and then I didn't get more sick because she did. My sponsor taught me "If you hate feeling resentments...feel the opposite and feel better"...The opposite of resentments...forgiveness". Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 17th of April 2015 09:07:05 PM
So glad your little cutie made it home safely. It is so frustrating that we can't rely on our spouses for most things...sometimes I wonder if they are irresponsible or if it is all about attention. My weakness is when something like this happens I take over and then that is one less thing he knows I will ask him to do...
Anyway, glad the doggie turned up ok. I feel for you and your frustration!
-- Edited by Fairlee on Saturday 18th of April 2015 09:26:48 AM
Jerry F- Thank you for sharing what your sponsor told you. I have a lot of resentment and anger from the past, and I know I use my A's drinking as an excuse to blow. I still have a lot of work to do!
Skorpi- so glad you have your dog back. What an awful worry to have! My pets are my children, so I can only imagine what you went through/ are going through. Prayers and good thoughts to you, as I will lift you up.
Gabigail
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
May 11 is the big day. Then, I will have until June 12 to "fix it" before I file with the grad school. 
Great !!!!Sounds as if you have a plan and with program, HP , One Day at a Time, you will continue to walk through this with serenity courage and wisdom.