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Post Info TOPIC: Reflections


~*Service Worker*~

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Reflections


Tonight, I have been thinking about myself and my current relationship. I have been thinking about my actions, and why I react the way I do. 

When I was in high school, I read A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen, and my class took a trip to the BIG theater in the metropolitan state capitol city to see a production of the play. When I was in college, I wrote a paper about the use and translation of the word "you" in various languages. (Linguistic freak break: English has "you," but the play was written in Norwegian. Norwegian, as far as I understand, uses du for you, same as English. But, when you translate the play into a language like German, there is a formal and informal form of you, so the translator's decision to use the informal du or the formal Sie brings more meaning to the relationship of the husband and wife than may have really been there to start with.) 

So, I have been tonight thinking (for some random reason) about the play. And, I remember really identifying with the wife, Nora, who felt confined to the house her husband created for her. She was like a bird in a cage, she couldn't do wrong, because she was trapped. And, even if she did do something that was wrong, her husband covered for her and took care of her. 

I really remember hating her husband, Torvald. He was so controlling. Everything had to be his way. He couldn't let Nora be herself, make her own mistakes, live with her own consequences. Torvald cannot understand why Nora is unhappy: he does everything to make her world better. He is mystified when she leaves him at the end of the play. (Except in the German edition, which Ibsen hated, in which Nora sees her children and decides to stay in her miserable marriage. how German, lol!) 

Tonight, I am thinking that I am a lot like Torvald. I built a doll's house for my wife without realizing it. I tried to protect her from reality. I didn't let her deal with the consequences of her actions. And in the process of trying (with the best of intentions) to shelter her from the world, and to make her feel safe, I created a situation in which she felt trapped. Loved, but trapped. And stifled. In thinking I was giving her all the freedom of the world, I may have actually been trapping her in her doll's house. And maybe, she needs to burst out. I think, maybe, like Torvald, I will be sobbing on the floor at the end of the play. What I am curious about is whether she will pick the Norwegian ending and leave, or whether she will pick the German ending and stay. Or, maybe, THIS Torvald will be an active character and make decisions, instead of letting the decisions of his Nora happen to him.

 



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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Henrik ibsen is one of my favourite writers too, i dientified very much with this story and i wrote about it here too. I saw it differently, i was the wife from a young age, the people pleaser, put on an act for anyone, manipulate and lie to make my husbamd happy, hide things, act the innocent, remain a child. Isnt it funny how its all about perspective. I saw torvald like the alcoholic in my life, deep in denial, determined to keep the status quo despite the consequences. Nora had the guts, like me, to finally look the truth straight in the eye and make the changes needed for herself, she had great courage. She left, like i left. Its so funny you saw alcoholism in this story, just like i did. Henrik ibsen was a true truth seeker. If he wasnt alive a few yearz before alanon was founded i would have swore he was a 12 step guy.x

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Senior Member

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Very powerful share Skorpi.


thank you

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-- ladybug

We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.



~*Service Worker*~

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Powerful reflections Skorpi. I too loved this play and so identified with Nora's feelings and actions. Like LC I thought she , like myself, was a chameleon who was constantly changing herself to please others. She did not know how to be herself until she finally surrendered and began the journey of discovery.  I am glad that alanon gave me the courage to find myself and verbalize/ validate myself.

I must add I hated the wife, even though I could identify with her, as  she was never honest about her motives or who she was. I saw myself and disliked what I saw. 

Please always remember that neither Nora nor Tovald had the privilege of a 12 Step support program so they did not know how to work together for a better outcome.  Your Tovald awwwas the first to discover a different way and is actively pursuing it .  I think the outcome will be encouraging. 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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I love this share. You do a good job of looking at what might be your part. Maybe you sheltered her too much? I dunno. But fact is, there are 2 adults in any relationship. You didn't turn her alcoholic and you didn't take her job away or turn her liver bad. I love that you have more compassion and are not blaming the A for everything wrong in your life and you are only a few months into this. That often takes years. Don't swing too far in the other direction either though. She had a role to play and from all you shared, has been pretty manipulative in getting her way so she could sit up in the "dollhouse" with no job while you bust your tail while you work 2 jobs and go to school. If it were just her...would she leave? I dunno, but I can tell you that you are not dealing with just her and you know it. You have her and you have her alcoholism as you have even eloquently stated before.

Honestly skorpi, when I look back on my own alcoholism. That dollhouse that was actually a prison - It was not my relationship so much as it was my alcoholism. So it's more like the alcoholism is Torvald and she is Nora.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree and felt like Hotrod and related to the people pleasing Nora. I was just talking to a friend about this the other day, the things that really bug us about other people are usually character flaws we have within, does that mean we don't like ourselves, are not accepting ourselves or that we just need to be aware that it displeases us and add it to the make changes list to work on? Great post! Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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Oh I like this. Food for contemplation for me. Mark's idea that alcoholism is the Torvald is something I have to consider. I know I was my own prisoner. It is the steps, together with the people in my f2f and those of you here who have opened the door for me to walk to freedom. I don't have to live like that anymore. First I had to see I didn't have to keep doing the gerbil run expecting different results, and then I had to put one foot in front of the other. This support is what show me the possibilities and hold me upright when I falter. So grateful!

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~*Service Worker*~

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For me, I don't have to pretend my wife is ok. I don't have to cover for her, and I don't have to be responsible for keeping her safe. All gifts of Alanon.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu

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